Troops Holiday

Author Lt. Jameson Nichols at OTS graduation

Since I am now in Bosnia over the holiday season, it got me thinking about everyday gripes that people back in the States feel are worth venting to the rest of the world ... and just how stupid they are when compared to the life of a soldier in the field. Here's just a few:

1) "I can't stand being around my in-laws so much!" - Hey wussy-boy, pretending to like someone isn't hard. Buy a vowel, and figure out the game plan! At least you're around family this time of year. My new "family" is comprised of my weapon, a Marine, and some Army guys ... and my damn weapon keeps asking me if Santa Claus is real!!!

2) "I can't decide what bowl-game to watch!" - How about you turn it to the Kissmyass channel? Like that's really a problem! I'll trade ya - me and the guys have been taking turns watching the squirrels on this damn tree hump each other. We've bet each other 50 bucks that the female squirrel shacks up with the fox up the road this winter.

3) "Traffic this time of year is horrible!" - At least you don't have to circle one block seven times to ensure you're not being followed. By that time, the damn Hummer runs out of gas anyway! The Army guys here have suggested we tie all of our gear to a turtle and follow it around. That way, if we are captured and interrogated, we won't be lying when we say we didn't know where we were going!!!   

4) "Stupid parties - I can never decide what to wear!" - How about a sign that says, "I'm a white-collar yuppie pig!" Like anyone wants to hear about your party problems ... especially over here. My Marine buddy says he can send you a uniform that hasn't been washed for five months. And then you can "accessorize" the outfit by super gluing broken fortune cookies to it ... my gun thought up that one!
 
5) "I hate putting up this damn tree!" - At least there's no damn land mines to watch out for around it! We have a bolder that we named, "Kansas." I got to name it, because I'm in charge. I named it that, because I'm from there. At any rate, we decorate Colorado with dead scorpions and snakeskins that we find in our foxhole at night. All we need to build now is a chimney ... that will make my gun happy.

6) "I've cut my self wrapping presents!" - What?! How the hell did you do that? Let me go ahead and call in a Blackhawk for ya. Just kidding - didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I'm sure if you go to your nice little medicine cabinet, you'll have some peroxide and band-aids. We used all of our medical supplies the first month here. We now use our pet camel spider "Rudolph" to lick our wounds clean. And yes, camel spiders have tongues! We just need to make sure we get rid of Rudolph on Christmas Eve though ... gun might get suspicious.
 
7) "Damn crowds at shopping centers!!!" - My Marine buddy totally agrees with you on this one. He tells me that sometimes he gets so freaked out in crowds, that he'll find a cat, pull its tail off, and throw it (the cat part) into the crowd like a grenade. He guarantees that even though there is no explosion ... the result is the same. Apparently though, some malls in Omaha have passed laws against doing this now. Why do they always have to punish the masses?! My Marine buddy got so excited talking about it just now, he tried to demonstrate the maneuver on a scorpion ... I better go ...

8) "This eggnog doesn't have enough rum!! - Neither do these carpets that I bought off of one of the locals. I like you though, so I'll tell you a trick that the guys and I discovered works for an instant high: find a stick, put one end on your forehead, and the other to the ground ... now run around in a circle! See - don't you feel better? You can also do this by constantly following the route of toilet water, once flushed. We don't have toilets here ...

9) "Stupid snow plow ... always plows my driveway in!" - Gun says he knows a good way to handle that, but the SOB won't tell me! I think he knows Santa isn't coming this year ... I better try to make an "X-Box" out of this pile of dirt I have here, or I'll never hear the end of it!

10) "This holiday bonus sucks!" - I've got your bonus right here! This holiday season, I've allowed each troop to stare across the line into the eyes of someone who wants them dead. They each get to sleep away from loved ones. Most have children that they won't get to see open presents Christmas morning. No lights, no parties, no presents. While you're sitting, relaxing after a good meal in your Lazy Boy, watching "The Grinch," they are looking at that one or two pictures they were allowed to bring over here to hell. Do us a favor and stop complaining for five seconds, and spend it thinking about what really matters this holiday season ...  

~ Lt. Jed Nichols

Jameson Nichols
Lieutenant, United States Air Force
Eagle Base, Bosnia
DSN 762-8870 
jameson.nichols@email-tc3.5sigcmd.army.mil

Snail mail:
Lt. Nichols
Joint Contracting Center-Tuzla
Operation Joint Forge-TFE
APO AE 09789

One of the signs that tell us not to step off of the designated pathways. Bosnia is still littered with mines everywhere ... even on the base itself. 

The Balkans from the flightline

Lt. Nichols sent the following note after finding his "Kick Ass" essay on one of my WAR pages with the following noted.

"If this doesn't make you stand and salute (literally or metaphorically) you need your ass kicked," from forwarded intro.

I (Martha) have no idea who the author credited below is, or even if he's legit.

How cool to find out he was for real, certainly made my day.

Dear Ms. Jones,

I see that my little dish of patriotism has been placed on your Website  (http://www.therealmartha.com/WARK9/index.htm). Let me assure you that I am for real and I am the original author ... although I am now on the "dark side" as an officer (went through OTS last winter). I wrote my feelings down immediately after the 911 attack. I'm honored that you have posted it ... I appreciate the credit. Originally, I had composed and sent it to a select group of people when I was stationed at Offutt AFB, Nebraska. Amazing how fast that got out!!!

It's funny though, seeing your Website ... I'm now in Bosnia for a tdy, and I just happened to come across it on a "DogPile" search. Small damn world.

Respectfully,

Jamie (Jed) Nichols

Kicking ass may not be exactly in the holiday spirit, however doesn't hurt anyone to take a moment to think about what our vets and current troops mean to those of us cozy at home with family and friends. There are several snail and e-mail contacts listed on the K9 page link above. Takes only one more moment to let someone far from home know you care.

Now I know that the current affairs of our great nation have many of you civilians up in arms and excited to join my military. Even though your intentions are well, and you might very possibly make it into the service, there are some things that we need to clear up/get straight first before we even consider you.

1) Next time you see someone (an adult) talking during the playing/singing of the National Anthem ... kick their ass.

2) When you witness firsthand someone burning my American Flag in protest ... kick their ass. If you see this on television, as many of us have, you are simply required to have a deep burning suddenly arise inside of you ... then go and kick their ass. Our forefathers did not intend freedom of speech to be the "get out of jail free" card for an act of a traitor.

3) Regardless of the rank they maintained while they served, pay the highest amount of respect to all veterans. If you see anyone doing otherwise, quietly pull them aside and explain how these veterans fought for the very freedom the confused bask in every second. Enlighten them on the many sacrifices veterans made to make this nation great. Then hold the idiot down while the veteran kicks their ass.

4)  If you are not in the military, do not pretend that you are. Wearing battle dress uniforms (BDUs), telling others that you used to be "Special Forces" and collecting G.I. Joe memorabilia might be OK if you were still 7 - now it will only get your ass kicked. (Veterans are exempt from this rule.)

5) If you witness someone calling an enlisted Marine, "Sir," stand back ... the Marine will kick their ass.

6) Next time you come across an Air Force member, do not ask them, "Do you fly a jet?" You are ignorant if you ask this. A Marine will be called to kick your ass. (Children are exempt.)

7) Roseanne Barr's singing of the National Anthem is not a blooper ... it was a disgrace and disrespectful. Laugh, and sooner or later, your ass will be kicked.

8) Next time Old Glory prances by during a parade, get on your damn feet and pay homage to her and the military member or veteran lucky enough to carry her. Your stupid funnel cake will forgive you if you stand for five minutes with your hand over your heart. You might as well be throwing the funnel cake at the flag if you don't stand ... of course, either will earn you a severe ass-kicking.

9) What Jane Fonda did about Vietnam makes her the enemy ... hate her or else. (Ass will be kicked.)

10) Don't try to talk politics to a military member. We might vote as separate parties, but that doesn't mean we don't all bleed the same. We are, simply put, Americans. Our military Chain of Command, to include our Commander in Chief ... the President ... (for those who didn't know) is all that we acknowledge. We have no inside track on what happens inside those big important buildings where all those "representatives" meet. The military member might direct you to Oliver North.  I can see him kicking your ass already.

11) "Your mama wears combat boots" never made sense to me ... stop saying it! If she did, she would most likely kick you in the ass with them!

12) Bin Laden and the Taliban are not communists. Stop saying, "Let's go kill those Commies!!!" And stop asking us where he is!!! Crystal balls are not standard issue in the military. That reminds me ... if you see anyone calling those damn psychic phone numbers, let me know, so I can kick their ass.

13) Last but not least, whether or not you become a member of my military - support our troops and their families. Every Thanksgiving and Christmas that you enjoy with family and friends, there are thousands of troops overseas longing for just a taste of homemade pumpkin pie or fresh eggnog and turkey. Wanting for just one hug on a Christmas morning from a loved one. Thank God for our military and the sacrifices they are making every day. Without them, our country would get its ass kicked.

I don't have a credit for the following. The first line is priceless, I am extremely grateful for that privilege.

It is the soldier not the reporter who gives you the freedom of the press.
It is the soldier not the poet who gives you the freedom of speech.
It is the soldier not the campus organizer who allows you to demonstrate.
It is the soldier who salutes the flag, serves the flag, whose coffin is draped with the flag that allows the protester to burn the flag!!!

http://www.therealmartha.com/Freedom/index.htm Freedom isn't cheap - thoughts from a military wife

A Soldier's Christmas
http://www.ladybronx.com/Soldier.html

http://www.therealmartha.com/WAR/index.htm
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