Welcome

to

Man at Home

Salutations to the Clueless

Any Woman's Ultimate Fantasy

Two men at once ... one cooking and the other cleaning.

But not this guy - Male Housecleaning

However, this guy does know what he's doing - The Real Man's Cookbook - and he agrees with me. "You are dead on correct about cans, etc. My favorite ingredient is Campbell's mushroom soup. You can put it on darn near anything, stick it in the oven for two or three hours and come out with a passable meal."

Bill uses a LOT of mushroom soup, I can't get past that fungi thang tho - cream of chicken, celery or whatever will generally work as substitutes. Guys, you should especially appreciate Bill's style. See how thoughtful I am? ... now I expect y'all to forgive me for the following.

Not all men are annoying - some of them are dead.

Unfortunately, no name was available to attach to those words of wisdom. I am happy to credit Mr. Paul Smartass Hawkins of Kansas City, a very OLD friend, with a rebuttal, "All women are annoying ... even the dead ones ... especially Carry Nation."

Let the bashing continue ...

What they really mean ...

"Can I help with dinner?"

"Why isn't it already on the table?"

"Take a break honey, you're working too hard."

"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"We share the housework."

"I make the messes, she cleans them up."

"That's women's work."

"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."

I really did intend to limit this page to cooking/cleaning-related material. I admit it - no control - couldn't quit. Who can stop after just one potato chip?!

"I'm going fishing."
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"It's a guy thing."
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"I was listening to you. It's just that I have things on my mind."
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Uh huh, sure honey, yes dear"
Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It would take too long to explain."
"I have no idea how it works."

"That's interesting dear."
"Are you still talking?"

"You know how bad my memory is."
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you and got you these roses."
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"
"What did you catch me at?"

"I heard you."
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

~~~

This is a subliminal message,

tilt your head slightly to right.

~~~

"You look terrific."
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'm not lost, I know exactly where we are."
"No one will ever see us alive again."

"We're going to be late."
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."

"I don't need to read the instructions."
"I am perfectly capable of messing it up without printed help."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."
"The batteries in the remote are dead."

"You expect too much of me."
"You want me to stay awake."

"I missed you."
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we're out of toilet paper."

~~~

Why Yelling At a Man Doesn't Work

What a woman says:

This place is a mess!  C'mon!
You and I need to clean up!
Your stuff is lying on the floor and
you'll have no clothes to wear if we
don't do laundry right now!

What a man hears:

blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW!

~~~

For sale by owner: complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last week. Wife knows everything.

~~~

If men TRULY ran the world ...

Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.

Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it.

Birth control would come in ale or lager.

Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.

The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.

"Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.

At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow, you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"

Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th, only to occur in leap years.

On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking - Mother's Day, too.

St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same, but it would be celebrated every month.

Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the  pursuing cops - or to the crooks.

Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.

The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.

Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.

When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine.  As in:

Cop: "You know how fast you were going?"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off."

Faucets would run hot, cold, and 100 proof.

Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

~~~

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight." Phyllis Diller
   
 "People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman." Erma Bombeck

~~~

"Men occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened." Winston Churchill

~~~

Eleven Step Guide to Being Handy Around the House

By Robert Fulghum, from his book "Maybe, Maybe Not!"

 1. If you can't find a screwdriver, use a knife. If you break off the tip, it's an improved screwdriver.

 2. Try to work alone. An audience is rarely any help.

 3. Despite what you may have been told by your mother, praying and cursing are both helpful in home repair ... but only if you are working alone.

 4. Work in the kitchen whenever you can ... many fine tools are there, its warm and dry, and you are close to the refrigerator.

 5. If it's electronic, get a new one ... or consult a twelve-year-old.

 6. Stay simple minded: Get a new battery; replace the bulb or fuse; see if the tank is empty; try turning it to the "on" switch; or just paint over it.

 7. Always take credit for miracles. If you dropped the alarm clock while taking it apart and it suddenly starts working, you have healed it.

 8. Regardless of what people say, kicking, pounding and throwing sometimes DOES help.

 9. If something looks level, it is level.

10. If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

11. Above all, if what you've done is stupid, but it works, then it isn't stupid.

~~~

Men are always whining about how we're suffocating them. If you can still hear it, you're not pressing hard enough on the pillow.

~~~

God created the mule, and told him, "You will be mule,  working constantly from dusk to dawn, carrying heavy loads on your back. You will eat grass and lack intelligence. You will live for 50 years."

  The mule answered, "To live like this for 50 years is too much. Please, give me no more than 20." And it was so.

Then God created the dog, and told him, "You will hold  vigilance over the dwellings of man, to whom you will be his greatest companion. You will eat his table scraps and live for 25 years."

And the dog responded, "Lord, to live 25 years as a dog like that is too much. Please, no more than 10 years." And it was so.

God then created the monkey, and told him, "You are monkey. You shall swing from tree to tree, acting like an idiot. You will be funny, and you shall live for 20 years."

And the monkey responded, "Lord, to live 20 years as the clown of the world is too much.  Please, Lord, give me no more than 10 years." And it was so.

Finally, God created man and told him, "You are man, the only rational being that walks the earth. You will use your intelligence to have mastery over the creatures of the world. You will dominate the earth and live for 20 years."

And the man responded, "Lord, to be man for only 20 years is too little. Please, Lord, give me the 30 years the mule refused, the 15 years the dog refused, and the 10 years the monkey rejected." And it was so.

And so God made man to live 20 years as a man, then marry and live like a mule carrying heavy loads on his back. He is to have children and live 15 years as a dog, guarding his house and eating the leftovers after they empty the pantry; then, in his old age, to live 10 years as a monkey, acting like an idiot to amuse his grandchildren. And it is so !!

Politically Correct Terms About Males

He does not have a BEER GUT.
He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.

He is not a BAD DANCER.
He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.

He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME.
He investigates ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.

He is not BALDING.
He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.

He is not a CRADLE ROBBER.
He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.

He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK.
He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.

He does not act like a TOTAL ASS.
He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.

He is not a SEX MACHINE.
He is ROMANTICALLY AUTOMATED.

He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG.
He has SWINE EMPATHY.

He does not UNDRESS YOU WITH HIS EYES.
He has an INTROSPECTIVE PORNOGRAPHIC MOMENT.

He is not afraid of COMMITMENT.
He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

~~~

The Five Questions Most Feared by Men

1.  What are you thinking about?
2.  Do you love me?
3.  Do I look fat?
4.  Do you think she is prettier than me?

5.  What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers  incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth).  Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1:  What are you thinking about?
The proper answer to this, of course, is: "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
  a.  Baseball.
  b.  Football.
  c.  How fat you are.
  d.  How much prettier she is than you.
  e.  How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2:  Do you love me?
The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."  Inappropriate responses include:
  a.  Oh yeah, sh*t-loads.
  b.  Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
  c.  That depends on what you mean by love.
  d.  Does it matter?
  e.  Who, me?

Question # 3:  Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
  a.  Compared to what?
  b.  I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
  c.  A little extra weight looks good on you.
  d.  I've seen fatter.
  e.  Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4:  Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
  a.  Yes, but you have a better personality
  b.  Not prettier, but definitely thinner
  c.  Not as pretty as you when you were her age
  d.  Define pretty
  e.  Could you repeat the question?  I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5:  What would you do if I died?
A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Jaguar and a Boat"). No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

Would you get married again?

Definitely not!
Why not, don't you like being married?
Of course I do.
Then why wouldn't you remarry?
Okay, I'd get married again.
You would?
(Man groans.)
Would you sleep with her in our bed?
Where else would we sleep?
Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
That would seem like the proper thing to do.
And would you let her use my golf clubs?
She can't use them; she's left-handed.
- - - silence - - -
Sh*t.

~~~

The real reason for PMS: Putting up with Men's Sh*t.

~~~

Now we all know the answer to this one ...

Men are like ... .

Men are like commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like computers. Hard to figure out and never have enough memory.

Men are like coolers. Load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.

Men are like curling irons. They're always hot and they're always in your hair.

Men are like government bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like weather. Nothing can be done to change either.

"What are you thinking?"

Every male in the world has had to deal with this question, which is more often than not uncorked at entirely inappropriate times, such as when you are watching sports, locked in a passionate embrace, or reeling in a feisty marlin from the Gulf of Mexico. Regardless of what you're doing, you must come up with a complete and satisfactory answer, or stand accused of Hiding Your True Feelings. Which means, of course, you'll spend the next week pretending to be sorry. So you've got to come up with something. And it had better be good. Now, the obvious question here is: WHY do women want to know what we're thinking? Simple: they assume we're thinking in the first place. Hard to believe, but there it is.

Why on earth would they think that? Well, go up to a woman and ask her what she is thinking. I have just done so with my wife, and this is what she is thinking about: "Off the top of my head, I'm thinking about the party we're having Saturday, and how I'm going to fix that chandelier in the front room so that people can walk around without hitting their heads. Underneath that I'm thinking about my work schedule this week and whether or not I'm going to have time to do some of the things I need to do at home as well. And under that I'm wondering if it's too late to get tickets on a plane to Ohio for Christmas. AND I'm thinking about getting a snack." Not only is she thinking about something, she's thinking about four separate things. If I check back in five minutes, she'll still be thinking.

Women are always thinking, and often about practical things. Men, on the other hand, are actively thinking for about five minutes out of every hour (usually not in sequence). So, at best, you have a one in 12 chance of catching a man actually having a thought. What are we thinking about?

1.  Sex
2.  Food
3.  Steve Miller tunes
4.  Sports
5.  "Beavis and Butthead"
6.  Sex
7.  Work
8.  The black unknowable nothingness that frames our existence (or beer).
9.  Sleep
10. Sex

In summary, randomly asking a man what he's thinking has precisely a 8.83 percent chance of turning up a real, verifiable, honest-to-God thought. You might as well bet on the New York Jets. Sound harsh, guys? Fine. Quick - what are you thinking? Had to think about it, didn't you. You lose. Sit down. Despite the overwhelming evidence that men, in fact, are almost never thinking, women will still demand to know their innermost thoughts. In a way, it's touching; women are expressing faith that, if they prod long enough and frequently enough, they may yet boost the number of times we think in an hour. And they will. Unfortunately, most of what we'll be thinking is "stop asking me what I'm thinking." And that's just going to get us in trouble. The best way to keep a woman from constantly asking you what you are thinking is to have a ready, prememorized answer for the times that she does. Here are some tried and true responses, with the pros and cons of each:

"I'm thinking that tonight it'd be nice to stay at home and sit by the fire together."

Pros: Romantic; sounds as if you're spontaneous. Cons: Requires fireplace (or a cement floor and ventilation).

"I'm thinking how much I love you."

Pros: Generally provokes a positive response that short circuits any need for further conversation; is often also true. Cons: If you use it too much, she'll know it's a line, and then you're really in trouble.

"I was wondering if there is actually life on other planets."

Pros: Cosmic; Shows you are a deep thinker. Cons: Woman may wonder if this is an intro to the same sort of "alien sigmoidoscopy" story that ruined her last relationship.

"I was imagining, if I were an animal, what sort of animal I'd be.

"Pros: Imaginative; Allows woman to spend many happy minutes trying to establish your place in the animal kingdom. Cons: She might think you resemble a marmoset or skink; she may forego the animal world altogether and go straight to yeasts.

"I'm just thinking about how true the lyrics to 'Dust in the Wind' really are."

Pros: Shows depth of musical knowledge; As last resort to forestall conversation, you may break out into song. Cons: If she's a connoisseur of 70s melodic rock, you may find yourself in a bitter, divisive quarrel about which is deeper, "Dust" or Aerosmith's "Dream On."

Keep in mind that these responses are not to supersede an actual thought. If you find yourself having one at the moment she asks, go ahead and share it, as long as it's not something along the lines of "This relationship blows" or "I really like margarine." With a little practice, you should come out okay. But, hey, that's just what I think. Author unknown

An oldie but a goodie ...

On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful. Things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning. One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well, I've had it! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a woman??"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, riveted at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman." He's gorgeous. Tall, built, curly black hair and jet black eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the stranger approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest. When he reaches her, he extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers ... "Iron this."

In response ... the fantasy we'd all like to see come true

I will close this section with an invitation to a very naughty, extremely politically incorrect joke and a personal account of the 2000 Words.

But now there's more ...

Man Page 2

And then it gets better ... So as not to offend the innocent, I made "secret" pages. You gotta request the link. None of the material is actually vulgar - just a bit much for the kiddies. And don't worry, I won't think you're a bad person or use your address for anything else.

TheRealMartha@Mindspring.com or MsAtte2ude@aol.com

Use back button to return to current page. If this is your first visit, check out my recipe pages. No better way to tame the beast than keeping his belly happy.

Queen Can-ivore's Can-tagious Can Cuisine Index

featuring links to Bubba Gourmet, Diary of a Mad Politically Incorrect Cook, Feeder's Digest, hints for combating the usual "expert" cooking-related propaganda a.k.a. CR*P, holiday survival tactics, four-legged critter stuff, assorted amusements, true confessions, opinions, guest editorial, editing tips, graphics, awards and whatever else I feel like throwing on a page.

The Real Martha, real easy recipes for real busy people

Do not go there if you follow that other Martha. Check out the whole lollapalooza while you're here, all kinds of wild stuff and opportunities to get into trouble.

Index

You could even earn a copy of "Holiday Lifestyles of the Culinarily Inept" just by sending me a less-than-fiver (ingredients) recipe or NOOM (new one on me) tip.

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Contributions and get-evens welcome any time - you may choose anonymity or take full credit. Unless otherwise noted, images and text are, as far as I know, public domain. Please acknowledge and/or correct me if I am mistaken.

TheRealMartha@Mindspring.com

or

MsAtte2ude@aol.com

Check back often for updates - but wait!, don't leave with your thank-you gift :)

Do the right click thing to save, print out on heavy card stock or have laminated, then stick on a piece of magnetic tape.

Announcement

Due to the popularity/notoriety of this "educational department," a new feature has been added - Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme are on call to answer real questions from real people. Before anyone who knows me asks ... no, they are not all me. The Sage is a married-forever man who occasionally eats nails for breakfast, Parsley and Rosemary are divorced mothers and Thyme is a single man whose background includes professional counseling/instruction. I, as usual, do not fit into the group. However, Miss Attitude (a.k.a. Yenta in a former life) will jump in from time to time as well as guest spice girls, assorted herbs and saucy types.

Send your questions, advice, comments, suggestions and credentials (personal experience) to the address above.

Here's the question that started it all ...

"A man I recently started dating offered to take my daughter car shopping. They did not find exactly what she wanted the first time out and now he seems to be having trouble rescheduling a time to go again. She was especially disappointed  after she had rearranged her hours at work to be available when he ended up having to work late and had to cancel."

C'mon, we all love to tell other people what to do.

Preview the Spice Cabinet's answers,

then add yours.

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Linkage

Dull Men's Club

Bubba Gourmet