Welcome to another naughty page. It is accessible only by request or by following the link from previous page. If someone sent this to you, and you don't like what you see, tell that person, not me.
I must apologize for the shortage of graphics - contributions would be most welcome. As far as I know, all material used here is public domain. See complete disclaimers on previous pages.
Why does a penis have a hole?
Men's brains need oxygen too.
Some guys can't get anything right!
Once upon a time,
in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The frog hopped into the Princess' lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome Prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young Prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and set up housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, on a repast of lightly sautéed frogs legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought: I don't fucking think so.
When a shrimp is born, it is male.
It gradually evolves to female as it matures.
If you love something, set it free ...
If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was
never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff,
eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that
you had set it free ... you either married it or gave birth to it.
Mom admitted to being a less than fastidious housekeeper. One evening Dad returned home from work, walked into the kitchen and said, "You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel." Mom turned to him and sweetly replied, "Well, darling, that's why I married a college graduate."
A newlywed couple had just arrived in their honeymoon suite. After unpacking, the husband abruptly took off his pants. "Put these on," he said to his wife. She did, and they were nearly twice her size. "There's no way I can wear these. They're too big," she said. "Good, now you know who wears the pants in the family."
Flustered, the wife takes off her underwear and gives it to her husband. "Put these on," she commands. "There's no way I can get into these." To which the wife replied, "You're right about that until you change your attitude."
It was only a matter of time ...
The Answer Man
Q: My fiancée still has feelings for his old girlfriends. I'm afraid he will not be
faithful.
A: A man's capacity to love is boundless. It has been proven to increase with
the number of sexual partners. Thus, by having a few other women, your partner is really
increasing his love for you. Best thing to do is to buy him a nice, expensive present,
cook him a nice meal and don't mention this aspect of his behavior.
Q: My husband has too many nights out with the boys.
A: This is perfectly natural behavior - it should be encouraged. The man is a hunter and he needs to prove his prowess with other men. Far from being pleasurable, a night out with the boys is a stressful affair, and to get back to you is a relief for your partner. Just look back at how emotional and happy the man is when he returns to his stable home.
Q: My husband wants to experience three-in-a-bed-sex with me and my sister.
A: Your husband is clearly devoted to you. He cannot get enough of you, so he goes for the
next best thing - your sister. Far from being an issue, this will bring all of the family
together. Why not get some cousins involved?
Q: My husband continually asks me to perform oral sex with him.
A: Do it. Sperm is not only great tasting, but has only 10 calories a spoonful. It is
nutritious and helps you to keep your figure and gives a great glow to the skin.
Interestingly, a man knows this. His offer to you to perform oral sex with him is totally
selfless. Oral sex is extremely painful for a man. This shows he loves you.
Q: My husband goes straight to sleep after making love - we have no time to
talk.
A: Sex is an extremely difficult task for a man. Afterwards he needs rest. In fact, the
more he loves you, the more hard work his lovemaking is, and the more rest he needs.
Q: My husband's efforts at lovemaking only last 30 seconds.
A: Your husband loves you very much. He is so turned on by you that he cannot control
himself. In fact, the shorter the 'effort' the more he loves you.
Q: My husband is uninterested in foreplay.
A: Foreplay to a man is very hurtful. What it means is that you do not love your man as
much as you should - he has to work a lot to get you in the mood.
Q: My husband has never given me an orgasm.
A: The female orgasm is a myth. It is fostered by militant, man-hating feminists and is a
danger to the family unit. Don't mention it again to him and show your love to him by
buying him a nice expensive present ... and don't forget to cook him a delicious meal.
Women's
news/advice for men
The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is that we actually change
our underwear.
If we're watching football with you - it's not bonding - it's the butts.
Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.
Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.
Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths you take.
If you were really looking for an honest answer, you wouldn't ask us in bed.
If only women gossip, how do you and your friends keep track of "Who's easy"?
Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that Y chromosome you so
unselfishly sacrificed.
Because I am a Man
When I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes
hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after
hypothermia has set in.
When the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood, stare at the engine as if I
know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other,
"I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and
everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer.
When I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed
and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue.
I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store,
like milk or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like cumin or tofu or
cardamom. For all I know these are all the same thing.
When one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite
evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here to put
it back together.
I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has
been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to
survive by holding a calculator).
I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we
should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger, how could he
know where we're going?
I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when
she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's
Day is okay, I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my
mom, too!
Yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then,
yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of
Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits
his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating.
This is, after all, the 2000's, I will share equally in the housework. You just do the
laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, and the dishes. I'll do the rest.
The Human Condition
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. - Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. - Roseanne
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. - Jay Leno
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know how I lost it. I don't know when I lost it. I don't think I ever had it. But I've seen the boss's job and I don't want it. - Bill Cosby
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They
don't know if we can fight or if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is
walk over to the women and say,"You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat
in those uniforms." - Elayne Boosler
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic
reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -
Jay Leno
When the sun comes up, I have morals again. - Elayne Boosler
The problem with the designated driver program is, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop everybody off at the wrong house. - Jeff Foxworthy
PMS: Permissible Man-Slaughter
A Woman Scorned
A woman came home just in time to find her husband in bed with another woman.
With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged her husband down the stairs to the
garage and put his tally-whacker in a vise. She then secured it tightly and removed the
handle. Next she picked up a hacksaw.
"Stop! Stop! You're not going to ... to ... cut it off, are you?"
"Nope. You are. I'm going to set the garage on fire."
The only three US presidents who had to deal with real or impending impeachment - Andrew Johnson, Richard Nixon and Bill Clinton - all have names that are euphemisms for penis ... johnson, dick and willie.
Men Doing Lunch
An Irishman, a Mexican and a blonde guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. The Irishman opened his lunch box and said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time I'm going to jump off this building." The Mexican opened his lunch box, "Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump off, too." The blonde said, "If I get a bologna sandwich one more time I'm jumping too."
The next day, the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican sees a burrito and jumps too. The blonde sees the bologna ... At the funeral The Irishman's wife is weeping, "If I'd known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage I never would have given it to him again!" The Mexican's wife also weeps, "I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos so much." Everyone turned and stared at the blonde guy's wife. "Hey, don't look at me, he made his own lunch."
Top Ten Reasons Oreos are
Better than Men
10. They don't scream if you twist them too hard.
9. They don't get drunk and throw up in your bed.
8. They are always good.
7. They go away when you want them too.
6. Rather have chocolate in your teeth than hair.
5. Don't have to worry about the last person who ate one.
4. It's always fun to swallow.
3. They never talk.
2. When it makes a mess in your bed, it's easy to clean.
1.The creamy white stuff tastes good.
What women want in a man
Original List (age 22)
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates the finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover
Reality sets in
Revised list (age 32)
1. Nice looking - preferably with hair on his head
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner at a restaurant
4. Listens more than he talks
5. Laughs at my jokes at appropriate times
6. Can carry in all groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week
Revised list (age 42)
1. Not too ugly - bald head okay
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner at McDonalds on occasion
4. Nods head at appropriate times when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers the punchlines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange furniture
7. Usually wears shirt that covers stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat lid down
10. Shaves on most weekends
Revised list (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed to appropriate length
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep while I'm talking
5. Doesn't re-tell same jokes too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves on some weekends
Revised list (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when awake (LOUDLY when asleep)
5. Forgets why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers when ...
Revised list (age 72)
1. Breathing
Ah, children - a woman knows all about her
children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods,
secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of short people living in the
house.
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve called out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
"What's the problem, Eve?"
"Lord, I know you've created me, and you've provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."
"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.
"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."
"Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."
"What's a man, Lord?"
"A man will be a flawed creature with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego, and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all, he'll give you a hard time. But he'll be bigger, faster, and more muscular than you. He'll need your advice to think properly. He'll be really good at fighting, kicking a ball and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack. You can have him on one condition."
"What's that, Lord?"
"You'll have to let him believe that I made him first."
What the ads really mean ...
House trained: I'm sick and tired of having to clean up after myself.
Easygoing: I'm a total slob and I leave the toilet seat up.
Relaxed: My idea of a date is sitting on the sofa with the remote control watching football.
Neat and tidy: Anal retentive
Looking for somebody to spoil: I'm not wasting my money on any woman who isn't young and gorgeous.
Kids OK: MY kids, not YOUR kids
I want a woman who isn't a gold digger: I'm so poor you'd be wasting your time.
Wacky sense of humor: Nobody laughs at my jokes.
Wicked sense of humor: I enjoy pulling the wings off flies.
Sensual: I have a dirty mind.
Open minded: I'd eventually like to have sex with all your girlfriends, later, maybe even
with your pets.
Confident: Believe me, baby, I'm kewel.
Well groomed: I use my own hair mousse, but I'll fight you for the blow dryer.
Persistent: If you try to dump me I'll stalk you.
Likeable: I appeal to pets and small children.
Affectionate: I grope other women in public.
Forthright: If I think you're fat and ugly, I'll say so.
Intense: I demand lots of attention.
Playful: Can I borrow your vibrator?
Enthusiastic: I snort when I laugh.
Adventurous: I spend weekends scuba diving with my buddies.
Computer literate: The reason I don't have a life is that I spend all my time on the Internet.
Trusting: Not very bright
Look younger than my age: I'm looking for a much younger woman.
Seeking soul mate: My last two wives dumped me.
Attractive: My mom never lies.
Romantic: I might send you virtual flowers or a cyber greeting card.
Cuddly: Fat
Love to cuddle: Impotent
Love to unwind: I drink too much, then fall about.
I drink occasionally: I drink regularly.
I drink regularly: I'm an alcoholic.
Culturally attuned: I frequent Asian prostitutes.
Carefree: Don't expect fidelity.
Articulate: You can't shut me up.
Sincere: Weak
Sensitive: I have a really small dick.
Spontaneous: I fart in public.
Introverted: I fart silently, in the dead of night.
Honest: Too clever to be caught.
Reliable: Boring
Relaxed: Usually drunk
Witty: I laugh at my own jokes.
Creative: I'd rather color in the pictures than read the text.
Well traveled: My wife left me because I was never home.
Athletic build: In my dreams
Receding hairline: Bald
Financially secure: Employed
Self employed: Nobody else would hire me.
Like to take life as it comes: Unemployed
Own home: I'ts such a dump my ex-wife didn't want it.
A Woman's Guide to Men's Gifts
When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already
has one. Men can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.
If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying, "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice
scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror.
Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.
Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. If God
had wanted men to wear bathrobes, there would be no Jockey shorts.
Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. It will sit in a cupboard
for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.
Label makers are almost as good as cordless drills. No one knows why.
Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box.
It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.
Good places to shop for men include lumber yards, Home Depot, John Deere, RV Centers, and
tire stores. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's
stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto,
eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane?
Wow! Thanks.")
Men enjoy danger. That's why they barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a
100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks, it's the thrill, the
challenge! "Who wants a hamburger?"
It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a
real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.
Men love rope. It takes them back to their cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope.
Rita Rudner's Facts About Men
Men who have pierced ears are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced
pain and bought jewelry.
If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has
it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a
scream and a flush.
Be careful of men who are bald and rich; the arrogance of rich usually cancels out the
nice of bald.
Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
Men are very confident people. My husband is so confident that when he watches
sports on television, he thinks that if he concentrates he can help his team. If the team
is in trouble, he coaches the players from our living room, and if they're really in
trouble, I have to get off the phone in case they call him.
Men like phones with lots of buttons. It makes them feel important.
Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is
upsetting to their psyches.
The way a man looks at himself in a mirror will tell you if he can ever care about
anyone else.
Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.
All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of
a gun.
A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs
and bathe.
Men love watches with multiple functions. My husband has one that is a combination address
book, telescope and piano.
Men are sensitive in strange ways. If a man has built a fire and the last log does not
burn, he will take it personally.
Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.
Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more
depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.
If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he
is serious.
If you're dating a man who you think might be "Mr. Right," if he a)
got older, b) got a new job, or c) visited a psychiatrist, you are in for a nasty
surprise. The cocoon-to-butterfly theory only works on cocoons and butterflies.
Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively
fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my
car?"
If a man says, "I'll call you," and he doesn't, he didn't forget ... he didn't
lose your number ... he didn't die. He just didn't want to call you.
Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, "Are we going to
have sex again?" He said, "Yes, but not with each other."
Men who listen to classical music tend not to spit.
All men would still really like to own a train set.
What did the elephant say to the
naked man?
It's cute ... but can it pick up peanuts?
Unkind things for women to say ...
I've smoked fatter joints than that.
Ah, it's cute.
Why don't we just cuddle?
You know they have surgery to fix that.
Make it dance.
Can I paint a smiley face on it?
Wow, and your feet are so big.
It's OK, we'll work around it.
Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
Oh no ... a flash headache.
Can I be honest with you?
How sweet, you brought incense.
This explains your overpriced sports car.
Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
Why is God punishing me?
At least this won't take long.
I never saw one like that before.
But it still works, right?
It looks so unused.
Maybe it looks better in natural light.
Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
Are you cold?
If you get me real drunk first.
Is that an optical illusion?
What is that?
It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
Does it come with an air pump?
So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality
I guess this makes me the 'early bird.
Men do care about other things than your body. They also care about other women's bodies.
Old Bubba wasn't henpecked. He was turkey clawed, so he started seeing seeing a
psychiatrist about the problem. The doctor told him, "You don't have to let your
wife bully you! Go home and show her you're the boss!"
Bubba slammed the door, shook his fist in his wife's face, and growled, "From now on,
you're taking orders from ME! When I get home from now on, I want my supper ON the
table. I want you to go right NOW and lay out my clothes. I'm going out with the
boys. And YOU'RE going to stay home where you belong. Another thing, you know who's
going to tie my tie??"
His wife calmly replied, "The undertaker."
What's the difference between
anxiety and panic?
Anxiety is the first time a man can't get it up the second time.
Panic is the second time he can't get it up the first time.
Ya know, if guys had a period, they'd probably brag about the size of their tampons. And their first period would be a sacrament, they'd be glorified for their ability to lose blood every month and remain functional ... if any man could survive one in the first place.
A man is well hung ... when you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
Things a woman will never say
That was fun! When will all of your friends be over to watch porno movies again?
Bar food again?? Kick ass!!
I love hearing stories about your old girlfriends. Tell me more.
I like using this new lawn mower so much more than the old one ... what a wonderful
Valentine's day present!
Let's just leave the toilet seat up all the time; then you won't have to mess with it
anymore.
It's only the third quarter, you should order a couple more pitchers.
Damn! I love it when my pillow smells like your cigars and scotch.
You passed out before brushing your teeth again, ya big silly!
Why does the doctor hit the baby's behind, when it is born?
To knock the balls off the smart
ones.
"I'm afraid I am the bearer of bad news," said the doctor as he surveyed
the worried faces, "The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant. It's an experimental procedure, semi-risky, and you will have to pay for the
brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. At length, someone asked,
"Well, how much does a brain cost?" The doctor quickly responded, "$5000
for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact
with the women, but some actually smirked. A boy, unable to control his curiosity,
blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, "Why is the male brain so much
more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and then to the entire group said "It's a
standard pricing procedure. We have to mark the female brains down, because they've
been used."
Grandpa explains sex
A young fellow was about to be married and was asking his grandfather about sex. He asked how often you should have it. His grandfather told him that when you first get married, you want it all the time ... and maybe do it several times a day.
Later on, sex tapers off and you have it once a week or so. Then as you get older, you have sex maybe once a month. When you get really old, you are lucky to have it once a year ... maybe on your anniversary.
The young fellow then asked his grandfather, "Well how about you and Grandma now?" His grandfather replied, "Oh, we just have oral sex now."
"What's oral sex?" the young fellow asked. "Well," Grandpa said, "She goes to bed in her bedroom, and I go to bed in my bedroom. And she yells, 'Fuck you', and I holler back, 'Fuck you too.'"
If only men would listen
A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes
into a pig in the middle of the road.
Benefits of being a woman
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her butt.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all problems.
Gay waiters don't make us uncomfortable.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
The Worst Pick-up Lines
If you were a new hamburger at McDonald's, you would be McGorgeous.
If you're going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
If you were a car, I wax you and ride you all over town.
Excuse me, do you have your phone number, I've seem to have lost mine.
I'd look good on you.
I'm new in town, could I have directions to your house.
Best reply
Save your breath for your inflatable date.
New Miracle Drug
New drug being developed is called Gingko Viagra. Its function is to help you remember
what the fuck you are doing.
Men are like ... newborn babies. They're cute at first, but you get tired of
picking up their crap.
Men are like ... chocolate bars. Sweet, smooth and they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like ... remote controls - usually lying around a TV.
Men are like ... road kill. They usually just lie around until they start to smell.
Men are like ... soap operas. They're fun to watch, but don't believe everything you hear.
Men are like ... pillows. Eventually, even the best ones get soft and lumpy.
Men are like ... old car tires. Balding, full of hot air, and it never hurts to have a
spare.
Men are like ... plastic wrap - very easy to see through.
Men are like ... department stores. Their clothes should always be half off.
Men are like ... horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
The Perfect Day for Her:
8:15 Wakeup to hugs and kisses
8:30 Weigh in 5lbs. lighter than yesterday
8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants
9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil
10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer
10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo and comb out
12:00 Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.
1:00 Shopping with friends, unlimited credit
3:00 Nap
4:00 3 dozen roses delivered by florist, card is from secret admirer
4:15 Light workout at club, followed by gentle massage
5:30 Pick out outfit for dinner, primp before the mirror
7:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing
10:00 Hot shower (alone)
10:30 Make love
11:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling
11:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms
The Perfect Day for Him:
6:00 Alarm
6:15 Blowjob
6:30 Massive dump while reading sports section of USA Today
7:00 Breakfast, filet mignon and eggs, toast and coffee
7:30 Limo arrives
7:45 Stoli Bloody Mary enroute to airport
8:15 DFW - Private G4 to Augusta, Georgia (Coffee, SI and WSJ)
9:30 Limo to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Front nine at Augusta (2 under)
11:45 Lunch, 2 dozen oysters on the half shell, 3 Heinekens
12:15 Blowjob
12:30 Back nine Augusta (4 under)
1:15 Limo back to airport (Bombay martini)
2:30 Private G4, Augusta to Nassau, Bahamas (nap)
3:15 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female (topless) crew
4:30 Land world record light tackle marlin (1249 lbs.)
5:00 G4 back to DFW, massage and hand job enroute by naked super model
6:45 Shit, shower and shave
7:00 Watch CNN newsflash: Clinton resigns, Hillary and Al Gore farm animal sex video
released and authenticated. (Hillary has a secret mole, Al looks real cold.)
7:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perigon (1963), 20 oz. New York steak
9:00 Remy Martin and Cuban Partagas cigar
9:30 Sex with three women
11:00 Massage and Jacuzzi
11:45 Bed (alone)
11:50 12-second, 4-note fart, dog leaves the room
11:55 Sleep
Equal Opportunity Bashing
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman? Sexual harassment.
What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man? $3.99 a minute.
What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
How do men sort their laundry? Filthy and Filthy but Wearable.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs? So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What's the difference between a terrorist and a woman with PMS? You can negotiate with the terrorist.
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution, "You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home. I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years. She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I said, 'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?' It used to take her 20 minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
How Real Men Bathe (Their Girlfriends') Cat
1. Scrub toilet and flush several times.
2. Fill toilet with warm water and add a squirt of pet shampoo.
3. Drop cat in toilet and slam lid shut.
4. Sit on lid - cat's efforts to free itself will generate a good deal of sudsing and
washing motions. Drink beer while waiting.
5. Flush toilet a couple of times to rinse cat.
6. Leap off toilet seat, dash out door and slam it securely shut because kitty will erupt
from the bowl as if jet engine is lodged up its ass.
7. Leave kitty to sulk and dry itself. Drink beer while waiting.
Men have two emotions - horny and hungry. If you see one without a hard on, make him a sandwich. Or go check out my beast tamers ...
TheRealMartha.com - Real easy recipes for real busy people
Not so naughties ... or how this all started ...
Hot Tip: Register this page with Mind It to receive auto e-mail update notification - as in when my collection forces me to do this again. BTW, check new stuff on previous pages if you've been here before. And don't forget to send in your goodies: TheRealMartha@Mindspring.com