Man 2

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The Ages of Men

Between 18 and 26 ... Tri-weekly.

Between 27 and 46 ... Try, weekly.

47 and up ... Try, weakly.

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Rules that Guys Wished Women Knew

* Crying is blackmail.
* Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
* Don't cut your hair - ever.
* Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
* Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
* Sunday = Sports
* If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.
* You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done - not both.

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In the Kitchen

A blender is a power tool, let's kick 'er up a notch!

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Gotta love 'em - there's a story for everything ...

Why are men such jerks?
It's a testosterone thing. Very similar to the PMS thing, men suffer from testosterone poisoning.

Why do men always have to ogle other women?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it too. Women are just much better at not getting caught. It's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can. Besides, once we get the idea that you are ours, other women suddenly become much more attractive. Evolution is to blame. Men are just innocent bystanders in the war of the selfish genes. You should love us despite our inherent weakness.

Why do men always touch themselves, especially in public?
We occasionally need to make an "adjustment" - being in public is just an added bonus.

Why do men have to act like such idiots?
Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old-fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays.

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Why are men so uncommunicative?
You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner. As for feelings ... unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, disgust or a brick on our foot, we get headaches whenever we try to figure out how we feel.

Why can't men cuddle more (i.e. lie down and hug)?
How many hours do you think there are in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but we men ... men hunters ... need go roam ... starve in cave ... must go find wildebeest. Sitting on our asses all day is a different story. Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution. In prehistoric times, the more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time without getting tired. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

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Why do men hate shopping?
Back to the evolutionary thing - men hunt, women gather. We just want to go out, kill it and bring it home. Who wants to spend hours and hours looking at things we have no intention of killing? err ... buying?

Why men can't just say "I love you."
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults.

What it means when they do say "I love you."
1. Please sleep with me.
2. I'm sorry for whatever it was that I did.
3. I forgot to get you a gift; this will have to do.
4. Huh? I'm sorry; I wasn't listening.
5. What did I forget? This should buy me a little time.
6. Stop nagging me.
7. What do I have to do to get a beer around here?

Why won't men ever pick up after themselves?
Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know you'll pick it up.

Gastronomical expression as a sign of affection?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you.
Why do men act like they own the remote control?
What do you mean act? Possession is nine tenths of the law. Besides, it is an awesome responsibility not to be entrusted to just anyone. We believe the only fair way to decide who gets the remote control is to arm wrestle for it.

Why can't men stay on a single channel for more than two seconds?
We need to know what else is on. (See also: Why do men fear commitment?)

Why do men fear commitment?
No matter how good you think this year's automobile are, for instance, they're always coming out with newer, faster, better, sleeker, and sexier models. We simply cannot be expected to purchase the first one we see. (See also: Channel surfing.)

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Why do men like younger women?
Besides the fact that they like older men, they're easily impressed.

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MENtal illness, MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown, MENopause - 'nuf said.

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With Viagra such a hit, it's reported a major drug company is planning a new line of drugs designed to improve the performance of men in general, including:

Directra: A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask directions when they got lost, compared to a control group of 0.2 percent.

Projectra: Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to finish a household repair project before starting a new one.

Complimentra: In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men who were administered this drug noticed their wives had a new hairstyle. It's currently being tested to see if such effects extend to noticing new clothing.

Sportagra: This drug has the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.

Flyagra: Shows great promise in treating men with OFD - Open Fly Disorder.

Liagra: Causes men to be less than truthful when being asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in regular-, grand jury- and presidential-strength versions.

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Don't get mad if he calls ya Bee Sh*t - that's jes bullboy speak for honey.

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The Mr. Right Rejection Letter Form

Dear (____rejectee's name here____ ),

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as my Mr. Right. As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

[Check all those that apply]

___ The fact that our finest dining experience to date has been at McDonald's reveals a thriftiness that I find unappealing.
___ Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.
___ You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me one.
___ Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.
___ Your "Putting on a few, aren't you babe?" comment, given the 9-months pregnant size of your beer gut, was inappropriate.
___ You failed the credit check.
___ I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.
___ The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.
___ The phrase "my mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.
___ Living with your parents and attending night classes to get your High School diploma, are slight negatives.
___ You mention your ex-wife's name more than you mention mine.

Sincerely,

[Your name here]

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Men become smarter during sex because they are plugged into a genius.

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How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

How do you get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.

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10 Simple Rules for Dating my Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants 10 sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind will kill you. Let me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, you might think we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romance or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car; there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face in the window is mine.

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Training Courses Now Available for Men

Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop

Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge

Dressing up, Beyond the Funeral and the Wedding

Refrigerator Forensics, Identifying and Removing the Dead

Design pattern or splatter stain on the linoleum?: You CAN tell the difference!

If it's empty, you can throw it away: Accepting Loss I

The milk expired three weeks ago, keeping it in the refrigerator won't bring it back: Accepting Loss II

Going to the Supermarket: It's not just for women anymore!

Recycling Skills I: Boxes the electronics came in

Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that came in the boxes the electronics came in

Bathroom Etiquette I: How to remove beard clippings from the sink.

Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's wash those towels.

Bathroom Etiquette III: Five easy ways to tell when you're about to run out of toilet paper!

Giving Back to the Community: How to donate 15-year-old Levis to the Goodwill.

Retro? Or Just Hideous?: Re-examining your 1970s polyester shirts.

Romance: More than a cable channel

Strange but True!: She really may NOT care what "Fourth Down and Ten" means.

Going Out to Dinner: Beyond Pizza

Expand Your Entertainment Options: Renting movies that don't fall under the "Action/Adventure" category.

Adventures in Housekeeping I: Let's clean the closet.

Adventures in Housekeeping II: Let's clean under the bed.

"I Don't Know": Be the first man to say it!

Sometimes Empty MEANS Empty: Reading the gas gauge.

Directions: It's ok to ask for them.

Listening: It's not just something you do during halftime.

Accepting Limitations: Just because you have power tools doesn't mean you can fix it.

Advanced Seminars

PMS - Learn when to keep your mouth shut.
How to fill an ice tray.
Money is better than sleazy under things for Christmas.
Understanding the female response to your coming in drunk at 4 a.m.
How to stay awake after sex.
You can fall asleep without 'it' if you really try.
You, too, can be a designated driver.
Changing your underwear.

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Parenting - No, it doesn't end with conception.
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Trivia

Studies have confirmed that men who are exposed to a lot of toxic chemicals, high heat, unusual pressures (jet pilots, deep-sea divers) are more prone to father girls than boys.

The female lion does more than 90 percent of the hunting while the male is afraid to risk his life, or simply prefers to rest.

The female knot-tying weaverbird will refuse to mate with a male who has built a shoddy nest. He must take the nest apart and completely rebuild it in order to win her affection.

Orchid, botanical family name Orchidaceae, means testicles in Greek - possibly derived from an early notion that the orchid possessed aphrodisiac qualities.

According to Greek historian Herodotus, Egyptian men never became bald. As children, they had their heads shaved, continually exposing their scalps to the "health-giving rays of the sun."

That "sex machine solar panel" is a sure sign of biological masculinity. A distinct anatomical feature of a eunuch (castrated male), is that he never goes bald.

A male emperor moth can detect and find a female of his species a mile away.

Many insects hear with their hair. A number of insects, such as the male mosquito, have thousands of tiny hairs growing along their antennae.

Only female wasps, bees and mosquitoes sting.

Only female bees work. Males remain in the hive, their only mission in life being to fertilize the queen bee on her maiden flight. After they have served their function, the males are not allowed back into the hive but are left outside, where they starve to death.

The male praying mantis often loses his head - literally - after courting. The female is known to decapitate the earnest suitor, and she often completely devours him.

The venom of a female black widow spider is more potent than that of a rattlesnake. After mating, the female turns on her partner and devours him. She may dispatch as many as 25 suitors a day in this manner.

Termite queens are fertilized regularly by the same mate for life.

Only full-grown male crickets can chirp.

The common male housefly completes its entire life cycle in just 17 days.

In Sparta during the 4th century, males 20 years of age and older were required by law to eat two pounds of meat a day to make them brave.

Wetaskiwin, Alberta from 1917: "It's against the law to tie a male horse next to a female horse on Main Street."

According to one U.S. study, about 25 percent of all adolescent and adult males never use deodorant.

A sport practiced in ancient China consisted of placing two angry male quails in a large glass bowl and watching as the creatures clawed each other to death.

The closest that film star John Wayne came to military action was in 1944 during a three-month entertainment tour of Pacific bases. His boyhood wish of becoming a naval officer never came true, although he did come close to receiving an appointment to Annapolis. During World War II, he was rejected for military service. The Duke was never a cowboy, either. Odd jobs he held as a young man included those of fruit picker, iceman, truck driver, and movie propman.

Some Alaskan Eskimo boys are allowed to smoke pipes when they are only three or four years old. Their fathers believe this makes the boys manly.

How To Shower Like a Man

* Leave the clothes you wore to bed last night in a pile on the floor.
* Walk to bathroom wearing a towel. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her.
* Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs.
* Check quickly for pecs again.
* Soap the usual parts and shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).
* Make a shampoo Mohawk.
* Open the door and look at yourself in the mirror.
* Pee.
* Rinse off.
* Return to the bedroom wearing a towel. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, flash her.

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There'll be more* - come back soon (*.~)

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Man at Home

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Know a Horse's Ass?

Don't forget to bookmark before you go.

*All material edited however I (or one of my other selves) happened to have felt like it. If you notice a line missing from a list, there's a reason ... "We" were not amused, and in some cases the joke attempt was just plain stupid or rude. These pages are for laughing with - not at - our sweeties. Life with a number of men (four of them brothers - tsk, tsk for what you're thinking), eminently qualifies me on the subject.

Need More?

Women on Men

The Ladies Room

Ladies Room Humor Index

Male Answer Syndrome

Women Speak in Estrogen, Men Listen in Testosterone

More What He Really Means

Men's Unspoken Rules

100 Reasons to be Glad You're a Man

10 Things Women Will Simply Never Understand

Still more?

I have recently added secret pages that use that awful ol' f-word. So as not to offend the innocent, you will have to e-mail me for the link. This also happens to be a good way to judge traffic and egg me on - also easier than setting up or messing with a password system. None of the material is actually vulgar and, in the sprit of fair play, I included a few on us for the guys. And don't worry, I won't use your address for anything else.

TheRealMartha@Mindspring.com or MsAtte2ude@aol.com

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