You'll laugh, you'll learn, contemplate and commiserate - have your own little party - savor it well.

to

Bits, Bright Spots and Lotsa Little Goodies

Wit and wisdom gathered from everyday goings on, special events, occasions, friends ... real people what-have-yous.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up ... makes perfect sense to me :)

Slowly making a dent in the backlog ... new stuff arriving daily to use too. I thank all of you for your cheers - keeps the old donkey pulling the cart. Jeers welcome too tho, or whatever else is on your mind. Feedback makes the best publication possible. Always open to suggestions, especially for new features.

What's your thang? What do you know that we need to know?

Write about whatever trips your trigger ... don't worry about spelling or punctuation, that's my job to fix. However, unlike other submission experiences you may have suffered, I don't butcher. It's amazing how changing (punching up) a word or two can make an article 10 times more readable tho. Go ahead, try it, you'll like it. Had not a clue what I was doing when I wrote my first book - fortunately I'm stubborn. Nobody wanted to publish it so I did it myself. Sold a bunch over the years and I am (really) working on an expanded version due out ? - I'll let ya know. BTW, working out a sales/fundraising plan for groups/organizations and individuals in the home party biz. Talk to me, subject line: Sales plan, your book.

Back to your contributions ... I will never forget what a kick it was the first time not one word was edited in an article I had worked on for several days - OMG, I must have learned something. Also not to be dismissed, writing is good for the blood pressure while rendering multifarious benefits to the soul. Sorry no advantage to the cash flow (not here yet anyway), nonetheless, bragging rights are a given.

Get busy now, you need a break from the usual anyway ... make some notes, think on 'em for a while until sentences start to form. Keep note paper handy, on the bed stand too - capture flashes as they happen or I promise you, they will escape.

Check out Editing, etc. for a few basics to get you started.

Reminder: LTFers (less-than-fiver ingredient recipes) and oddball hints or NOOMs (new ones on me) are my thangs - I want every one on the planet. I'll send ya a free book for the super spiffies.

Graphics note: When all you see is an outline with little white box with an X in it, right click on the picture and hit Show Picture - should load the pic. Most of the graphics on this page are animations, hit reload to make sure they go into motion.

Actually Ally Khatt* said:

Life is short, eat dessert first.

*Khatt Kountry was one of my fave variety zines, unfortunately, "It got to be too much work." The good news is Ally will be contributing as a guest editor here ... all is not lost :)

Brownie Pizza

1 package brownie mix (21-ounce)
2 tablespoons flour
1/3 cup water
1/4 cup vegetable oil
1 egg
1/2 cup chocolate chips
1/2 cup Reese's Pieces
1 cup mini marshmallows
1/2 cup caramel or butterscotch ice cream topping

Preheat oven to 350°. Spray a 12-inch pizza pan with cooking spray. In a large mixing bowl, combine brownie mix, flour, water, oil, and egg. Beat by hand for 1 minute, or 50 strokes. Stir in chocolate chips. Spread batter in the pan and sprinkle with Reese's Pieces. Bake for about 18 to 25 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted into the center comes out clean. Remove and immediately sprinkle with marshmallows. Cool for 15 to 20 minutes then drizzle with caramel sauce. Slice into wedges when cool. Makes 16 to 20 wedges.

Great way to start a page eh? Technically not an LTFer - but staples don't count ya know. I highly recommend another great start - treat yourself to a harmless naughty - have dessert for breakfast once in a while. Why? Why not?

Tad bit radical? Present yourself with a deluxe box of Crayola crayons or a wonderful set of colored pencils. Create a poster that reads ...

If not now, then when?

Hang it where you'll see it every day.

Indulge yo'self in whatever makes you feel good, within reason natch ... good gawd you could be flattened by a truck the next time you step off a curb. I would be seriously exasperated if my last earthly thought was taking that brave stand against the call of the last eclair. Best philosophy - "Live life as if it ends tomorrow, plan it as if you will live forever." Ya never know ...

And try this for an overall mind-set,

Be Thankful

Be thankful ... that you don't have everything you desire. If you did, what would there be to look forward to?

... When you don't know something, giving the opportunity to learn.

... For the difficult times. During those times, you grow.

... For your limitations, they give you opportunities for improvement.

... For each new challenge, to build your strength and character.

... For mistakes, they will teach you valuable lessons.

... When you're tired and weary, it means you've made a difference.

It is easy to be thankful for the good things. A life of rich fulfillment comes to those who are also thankful for the setbacks.

Gratitude can turn a negative to positive.

Find a way to be thankful for your troubles and they can become your blessings.
Author Unknown, adapted from "Happy Thoughts"

Ya just gotta keep on keepin' on (~.*)

There ya go, don't hear from me for weeks and weeks ... now it's spew-time. Major Trauma Time Report: had to break down and buy magnifying specs. The clue was needing the glass I use for teeny embroidery stitches to read the thermostat. I thought my blurry vision was one more courtesy of the Bug from Hell. Reading was impossible, leaving only TV for distraction ... yessiree, that's what I needed, brain rot to round out the general state of deterioration. I'd like to blame the Bug, however, ain't no gettin' around the actuality - been feeling almost human for a while - it's bifocals 'r' me.

Please feel free to share your latest trauma(s). Bound to make someone else feel better :)

The good news is ... no more bouncing around like gypsies. St. Louis is definitely permanent due to musical chair reassignments due to losing a key guy in Bubba's division . We haven't been running around like the first year but it's been very unsettling not knowing when/if uncle sammy would issue travel orders. We've been looking at houses and thinking about building ... very exciting. I won't know how to act away from this noisy condo. Hmmm, uninterrupted sleep - what a concept!

Hey, I'd appreciate any suggestions - like I know I don't want my kitchen windows catching the afternoon sun, water heater placement consideration is important - stuff like that. Thanks! I'll run your ideas here too.

The Spell Checker

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marks four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
It's rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
It's letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

I love that. No kidding, you really have watch it - total reliance on spell check will make you lazy. Typos are a big peeve, even tho long ago acknowledged as inevitable. I don't let worrying keep me awake, certainly not after letting an extremely real print headline slip by.

Fortunately, the nice Pubic Safety officer loved the notoriety.

It is impossible to proofread your own stuff - you see what you think you wrote. Reading out loud helps a lot. Trading proof duty is the best safeguard. It is important - why would I think you would care about me as a customer if you ignore simple details? BTW, I do appreciate hearing from anyone who spots a typo or questions a particular word track. I have a tendency to believe everyone can read my mind.

Congratulations and Happy Anniversary to TexasJayne@aol.com

The first "Made with Love" recipe newsletter was sent out March 2, 2000!

Request a copy (lotsa chicken goodies, most are LTFers too :) and start free subscription.

The most important words

"I admit I made a mistake." The five most important words: "You did a good job." The four most important words: "What is your opinion?" Three most important words: "If you please and I love you." The two most important words: "Thank you." The one most important word: "We." The least most important word: "I."

Romantic Waxed Roses

Materials: Fresh roses - a variety of types and colors, double boiler, paraffin wax, wooden skewer, floral wire, floral tape, newspaper, brown craft paper or waxed paper, scissors.

Steps: Melt paraffin in a double boiler over medium heat. Never melt wax directly over heat and do not turn the heat too high. Cover work table with newspaper, brown craft or waxed paper. Optional: Add a few drops of essential oils to the melted wax.

Insert floral wire gently into the head of the rose and wrap from stem to the base with floral tape. This allows the finished rose more flexibility and will make it more stable.

Hold stem, dip rose head first into melted wax until all petals are completely coated.

While wax is still soft, use the skewer to gently separate petals. Hang roses upside down over work surface to dry. Once dry, trim away any excess wax from petals.

Control

Guidelines from a worry group at Pennsylvania State University

1. Set up worry period, exclusively for worrying, for 30 minutes every day at the same time.

2. Learn to identify the symptoms of worry - an inability to concentrate, a sinking feeling in the stomach, sweaty palm. Write your worries in a diary so you can review them later. It helps to put a worry out of your mind, at least temporarily.

3. Focus your attention away from your worries - make a phone call, clean your oven, take a walk with a friend.

4. Do not look at your list of worries until the next worry period.

5. When you do look at the list, think your worries through. Try to come up with solutions - worries that are solved are no longer worries.

Please note: Unless specified by obvious comments (usually in this peachy color), I have not tried every idea, recipe, whatever you may find of interest. Which is neither here nor there, nor in fact, even if I have, guarantees that any of the suggestions will work for you. In other words ... if ya stub yore toe, don't go blamin' me.

Fruit flies driving you crazy?

Pour about 1/3 cup plain vinegar and a few drops of dish soap into a small cup. Place the cup near the fruit and watch the pesky bugs disappear! It works amazingly well and costs only pennies.

What's your business sign?
Rated PG

Instead of astrological signs ...

1) Marketing: You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.

2) Sales: Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.

3)Technology: Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even you don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that geeks shall inherit the earth.

4) Engineering: One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that engineers place ninety percent of all personal ads. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergodynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."

5) Accounting: The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.

6) Human Resources: Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch and then mail a letter.

7) Management/Middle Management: Catty, cutthroat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in your social circle is a "Middle Manager."

8) Senior Management: See above - same sign, different title.

9) Customer Service: Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.

10) Consultant: Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.

11) Recruiter, "Headhunter": As a "person" who profits from the success of others, most people who actually work for a living disdain you. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.

12) Partner, President, CEO: You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.

13) Government Worker: Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job ... thus the term "Go Postal."

A little funny to top off #13

Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into four equal piles of three cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10-ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was pretty impressive.

Then the three men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, took a dump on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers' compensation and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave.

News from Possum Waller

Here comes Bubba and his Magic 8 Ball ... that’s what we say in Possum Waller, they are always together, inseparable. Bubba even made a burlap poke that he hangs on his belt. I can't remember when he didn’t have it. Ask him a question or something and out comes the Magic 8 ball. I always felt it was a bit strange when you would wave and say " hi Bubba" ... he would stop and take the 8 ball out, shake it and stare at it then say ... "outlook hazy" or "ask again" or "yes" ... makes for an odd conversation, that is for sure.

To each his own I always say ... I learned early never judge a book by its cover, or a man by what he carries in his poke ... laugh ... well I said Possum Waller is a fun place ... I didn’t say some folks weren’t a bit odd ... or as we say "tetched." But consulting the Magic 8 Ball is probably better advice than some folks give heah? And then owning one is probably better than being behind one ... the 8 ball I mean ... Now some slick fellow has done and gone put up a Magic 8 Ball autopsy ... right interesting ... check it out - http://fiendation.com/people/chris/eight.htm - a silly wild site - fiends in action.

News from Possum Waller is a regular feature in The Flamingo Times, a weekly newsletter, published Thursdays, give or take a day. Mailed by request to anyone who loves good cooking, fun, and a laugh here and there. Read archives /subscribe: http://members.wbs.net/homepages/j/w/h/jwhanley/ft.htm

If you are throwing fresh pearl onions into a stew, boil them for three minutes then put them in cold water. When you slice off the root end and squeeze the other end, the cute little onion will magically pop out perfectly shaped. From V.B.

Mother's Words ...

Mona Lisa's - "After all that money your father and I spent on braces, that's the biggest smile you can give us?"

Columbus' - "I don't care what you've discovered, you still could have written!"

Michelangelo's - "Can't you paint on walls like other children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff off the ceiling?"

Napoleon's - "All right, if you aren't hiding your report card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show me."

Abraham Lincoln's -"Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

Mary's - "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you."

Albert Einstein's - "But it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

George Washington's -The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

Jonah's - "That's a nice story. Now tell me where have you really been for the last 40 years."

Thomas Edison's - "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"

Paul Revere's - "I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is past your curfew.

Gawd, those all sound sooo familiar - reminds me of the first time I caught my mother's words coming outta me aimed at the stepkids. Worse tho! Hiding my cookies - ya do what ya gotta do - might as, can't help it anyway. I'm convinced that fighting the natural pattern of human behavior will cause dire consequences.

"There are five elements: earth, air, fire, water, and garlic."  Louis Diat (1885-1957)
Garlic quote and art courtesy of Don's Kitchen

From Master Cook: Three basic varieties: white skinned, strong tasting American garlic;
somewhat milder, purple-tinged Mexican and Italian Garlic; and much milder, large elephant garlic.

Garlic is the most pungent when it is raw and the longer it sits the stronger the flavor. The more finely garlic is chopped or crushed the stronger its flavor. A garlic press yields garlic with the most potent flavor because it ruptures the most cells. For dish needing strong garlic flavor, mince then sauté until fragrant, about 20-30 seconds.

Sprinkling garlic cloves with salt before chopping causes the garlic fibers to break down more easily easier and keeps it from sticking to knife and cutting board. (Or try sprinkling with salt and mashing with a fork.)

Cooking garlic mellows its taste. The longer it cooks the more mild its taste. Roasting garlic causes its natural sugars to caramelize leaving cloves mild and creamy enough to spread on bread or mash into potatoes. If you only want a slight taste of garlic in your dish, add one or two whole cloves to the dish when cooking and then remove before serving. I recently heard someone call cloves teeth, pretty weird.

Store in a dark, cool, dry place preferably with good air circulation. A clay garlic keeper works well. Hanging a garlic braid or keeping it in a bowl in a warm kitchen is fine for short periods but is not suitable for long periods because the garlic tends to dry out.

Deodorize cutting boards by rubbing with salt. To remove/reduce smell on hands: rub them with salt and lemon juice or rub something that is stainless steel then wash your hands. (It's said the stainless steel breaks the ion bonds releasing the odor causing compounds from your skin.) - That's a NOOM! (new one on me)

My little garlic patch

Separate the cloves and stick them roots down into the dirt, leaving just the tip showing. Very soon, you will have shoots coming up all over the place. Snip off what you need, deeelish in salads. I use it in almost all non-sweet cooking too, excellent in eggs, scrambled or however.

When someone asks what the green stuff on the bread is, a casual, "Oh-it-came-from-my-herb-garden," blows 'em away every time. Everybody knows people who grow their own herbs do all their own bread baking - yea right.

I'm told garlic is a good bug repellent, stick some in any pot and around your outdoor plants too.

In AZ, I had wild green onions all over, multiplied so fast I couldn't keep up with them. I've since had on and off success with planting shoots in pots. Cut off most of the green tops so not top heavy, leave the newest in the middle. Recently found some labeled Green Giant - look for them, the jolly guy ain't paying me to say this but the waste is far less than usual and taste is superior. My experimental planting failed on them tho :(  Wonder if it had to do with who does/doesn't irradiate? Hmmmm.    

If your child washes his/her hands for two seconds without soap and insists that they are clean, try this trick. Sing the ABC song - it lasts about 25 seconds - plenty of time to remove dirt and bacteria. Now washing hands can actually be fun.

Dang, forgot where I got that - a case of page composition interruptus. Anywho, don't really intend to devote a lot of space to kid stuff unless requests ordain. There are far better sources available - check links below. Mostly you'll find bits of my old stuff, reports of newly bizarre life episodes (yours and mine), and whatever strikes my fancy. Big kid play time - sneakin' up on 50 and still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.

Indeed, there is a reason to cook. If you have to get on the phone, you might not be able to get back online. One of the new signs of addiction on a list making the rounds seems appropriate here: You set your kitchen on fire while cooking dinner because you wanted to check your mail and while there you "just wanted to see who was online."

Attention aolers: Check out cable modem systems - nix timer vexation messages.

Here's a scary thought ...
The average person ingests about a ton of food and drink each year.

"I am not a glutton - I am an explorer of food." - Erma Bombeck

An appropriate follow-up, from www.EatDangerously.com

"Okay, we know it's not easy to eat dangerously these days. There is always something telling you that you have to eat a balanced and healthy diet, whether it's your doctor, wife, mother, or other form of interference. Block it out! Tell yourself that the undue stress caused by trying to be healthy all the time will end up giving you a heart attack!

"Being healthy pays off when you're old while eating delicious food pays off right now."

Eve had it made - never had to listen to Adam compare her cooking to his mother's.

~~~~~

One nifty, truly amazing tip - you can turn the heat off after pasta boils and let it sit while you find something more interesting to do. I've done it numerous times with spaghetti and regular ol' egg noodles. No sticking and it won't be overdone.

No Casserole Confusion

Stick your address label to the bottom of the container so it can be returned to you without confusion. I also like to include the recipe for the dish. This is important if there are guests who may have allergies or special dietary requirements.

Copyright 2001 Heloise, Inc. found in MommieMail@aol.com

From Judy, my sister who works rescue in Texas: You said you wanted success stories, here is a good one. This little guy Toast was called Scruffy in our kennel, he was a mess but so cute, terribly shy and afraid of his own shadow. We worked with him for several days to get him to come out of his shell, cleaned him up, and then decided he might be a dachshund/terrier mix or a wire-haired dachshund. We had his picture on our web site and on Pet Finders. A lady out of Austin was looking for just that kind of dog. We met her in Brenham and she has e-mailed us several times about Toast. She loves him as you can tell by her note. We get a lot of letters like this and it really helps to keep us going when things get tough and we lose one.

Cheers to you, Toast!

Hi, Toast is doing great now. We didn't quarantine him long enough - he had kennel cough. We had about three bad, no-sleep nights, and then Piper came down with it, but it was a mild case. Everyone's healthy now and extremely happy. He sleeps on the bed now. He's a real clown, and always happy. When I lay down on the couch he immediately jumps up and lays down on me with his head on my chest wagging his tail the whole time. He loves playing and racing around with Piper. He is an absolute delight. I've never met such a happy dog. He wakes up happy and goes to bed happy. Thank you a hundred times over for saving this little guy. I call him Sun a lot, short for Sunshine. Kit

Also check out http://www.thebostonsite.com/ - under new construction after Tripod screwed 'em out of their existing pages - rescue listings from all over the country - faces to melt ya. How anyone could give up a Boston is beyond me, Buster will have at least one new playmate once we get into a house.

All rescue stories and pics are welcome, URLs will be included.

Three Little Words - a terrific friendship card.

Some Things to Think About - a sample - Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac? Links found in The Funnie Express, MicHappy@aol.com

"The more you invest in a marriage, the more valuable it becomes."


Signs of Our Times

Veterinarian's office: "All unattended children will be given a free kitten"

Plumber's shop: "We repair what your husband fixed."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

Plastic surgeon's office: "Let us help pick your nose."

Psychic's hotline: "Don't call us, we'll call you."

Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

Billboard: "Keep your eyes on the road. Stop reading these signs."

Electrician's shop: "Let us remove your shorts."

Nonsmoking area: "If we see smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome: Dog food is expensive."

In the front yard of a funeral home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."

Lot outside veterinarian's office: "Parking for Customers Only, all others will be neutered."

Didja know? ... the symbol on the pound key (#) is called an octothorpe. Hmmm .... spell check questioned this, but offered no replacement. Couldn't find in any dictionary either - oh well, sounds like good BS :)

Used checkbook boxes are the perfect size to store coupons and/or receipts. From www.Domestricks.com click on subscribe.

From Home Works section: Cloth napkins can be made at a really low price. Purchase pillow cases in the colors you like, then cut out napkin-size squares with pinking shears. There's no hemming necessary and you'll have cloth napkins for all occasions! I added my two cents - also check remnant bins (Wal-Mart usually has a great selection) and the "fat quarter" yardage sold for quilting in almost any fabric store.

~~~

Tupperware is named after its inventor, Earl S. Tupper, who came up with plastic containers in 1947. The idea for the airtight seal was patterned after the inverted rim of a can of paint. The first Tupperware party was held in 1948.

To peel hard-boiled eggs easily and very quickly: After boiling, pour off the hot water, shake pan back and forth to crack the shells. Cover eggs in cold water and let set for a couple of minutes. Leave water and eggs in pan and peel, using water to rinse away excess shells. Works perfectly every time.

Make Your Own Heating/Cooling Pads
adapted from http://www.makestuff.com/heating_pad.html, found in The PUBlication, subscribe: LadeLade@aol.com

Sometimes called "bed buddies" or "stress busters," these nifty little pads can be tossed in the microwave for two or three minutes and used as heating pads for sore, aching or tense muscles; refrigerate or freeze to use as cooling pads.

Fill the pad with dry rice, corn, bird seed, or a combination of all. Add spices, herbs and/or essential oils - when heated the pad will smell wonderful. A combination of allspice, ground cloves, ginger and nutmeg makes a nice Christmas smell. The combination of dried lavender, marjoram, betony, rose petals, cloves and rosemary are purported to soothe a headache. Mix in a large bowl. Cover and leave for a day or two, stirring occasionally.

Quickie pads can be made by sewing up the end of a sock. Or cut flannel, terry cloth, muslin into rectangle pieces, two to three times longer than the width. Fold lengthwise and sew up the sides. Spoon in the mixture and sew the top end closed.

If you'll be giving these as gifts, you might want to go one extra step and make an outer pouch that's pretty, and washable. An outer pouch also helps protect the skin from excess heat or cold. Follow the same basic instructions as above, but make the outer pouch just a little larger than the inner. On one end you might want to include a strip of Velcro to close the pouch and hold the inner pad in place.

Added embellishments might include a loop of material or ribbon on both ends to use as a handle, a strip of satin ribbon folded over the edges for trim, or a embroidered design. Just remember, whatever decoration you use should be soft, not scratchy or hard.

Caution! Heating pads catch fire from smoldering on the inside when the water content of the filling is dried out after many reheatings. One possible solution is to place a cup of water in the microwave when heating the pads, to keep the interior moist. Or simply replace the filling after so many heatings.

"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."- Nathaniel Hawthorne

Fill a net vegetable bag with charcoal and hang it in musty basement or damp garage to absorb odors.

Don't throw away used laundry softener sheets. Toss one or two into an impossible-to-clean casserole dish, fill with hot water and presto! - crud will loosen in about 20 minutes - no scrubbing needed.

Used dryer sheets are also good dust clothes, on monitors and TV especially.

Clear the Air

You recycle to protect the Earth's health. But don't let old cans, bottles and newspapers  pile up in your living area or you might put your own health in jeopardy.

According to the American Lung Association, these items can become a source of harmful bacteria and toxic vapors, which can trigger asthma and allergy symptoms such as sneezing, wheezing, and itchy eyes. Chronic exposure to such pollutants can damage lung tissue and lead to bronchitis and respiratory diseases. Minimize risk by storing recyclables in a covered place outside. You'll save the earth and breathe a lot easier.

A good one to copy and keep on hand, I use it all the time.

~~~

Why Dogs are Better than Men

Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public, don't brag about whom they have slept with, don't feel threatened by your intelligence, do not play games with you - except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw). They miss you when you're gone, look at your eyes, aren't threatened by a woman with short hair, feel guilt when they've done something wrong, understand what "no" means, are happy with any video you choose to rent - the most important thing is that you're together, understand if some of their friends cannot come inside, think you are a culinary genius, are nice to your relatives, don't mind if you do all the driving, don't step on the imaginary brake, admit it when they're lost, don't weigh down your purse with their stuff, do not care whether you shave your legs, aren't threatened if you earn more than they do, mean it when they kiss you.

You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams, never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.

You can train a dog and force a dog to take a bath.

Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner, gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.

The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. OK, the really worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.

Why Men are Better than Dogs

Men only have two feet to track in mud, they can buy you presents, don't have to play with every man they see when you take them around the block, open their own cans, don't eat cat poo on the sly, don't shed as much, and if they do, they hide it.

Men don't drool. Well, most don't.

Men don't have to go to the vet to have their anal glands expelled.

When men have to go outside in the rain, they usually don't stand in the doorway and whine.

Dogs have dog-breath all the time.

How Dogs and Men are the Same

Both take up too much space on the bed, have irrational fears about vacuum cleaners, are threatened by their own kind, mark their territory, are suspicious of the postman, are bad at asking you questions, fart shamelessly, like dominance games and tend to smell riper with age.

Neither of them tells you what's bothering them, does dishes, notices when you get your hair cut, knows how to talk on the telephone or understands what you see in cats.

The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.

Gently scrape a disposal razor over a sweater. You can remove enough fuzzies to make it presentable to wear another season.

God, grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now that I'm older, here's what I've discovered ...

I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.

I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.

Funny, I don't remember being absent minded ...


"Electricity originates inside clouds. There, it forms into lightning, which is attracted to the Earth by golfers. After entering the ground, the electricity hardens into coal, which, when dug up by power companies and burned in big ovens called 'generators,' turns back into electricity ... where it is transformed by TV sets into commercials for beer, which passes through the consumers and back into the ground, thus completing what is known as a 'circuit.'" - Dave Barry

"Personal importance, or taking things personally, is the maximum expression of selfishness because we make the assumption that everything is about 'me.' During the period of our education, or domestication, we learn to take everything personally. We think we are responsible for everything. Me, me, me, always me!

"Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of  themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in. When we take something personally, we make the assumption that they know what is in our world, and we try to impose our world on their world.

"Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you. What they say, what they do, and the opinions they give are according to the agreements they have in their own minds. Their point of view comes from all their programming received during domestication." - Don Miguel Ruiz

Life is easier than you think ...

All you have to do is:
Accept the impossible,
Do without the indispensable,
Bear the intolerable
and
Be able to smile at anything.

The Top 10 [Bizzaro World] Martha Stewart Cooking Tips:

 10. Leaving half-sucked lollipops out for sweet ants is a quick and easy way to add nutritional value to this already popular treat.
  9. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. If you're really running late, bring the waffle iron into the shower with you.
8. A turkey baster can be used to remove those pesky beans lodged in your ear canal. 
  7. In a pinch, frozen water can substitute for ice. 
  6. Adding a dash of Drano to your liver and onions won't kill the taste, but should numb your taste buds enough for you to swallow.  
  5. Remember: Steak + Crest does *not* equal "steak tartare."
  4. Forget to pack the grill? No problem - just spritz some olive oil on your engine block and you'll be cooking in no time!
  3. Ground hamster adds a distinct tasty garnish to otherwise dull mealtimes ... no, it doesn't taste like chicken.
  2. Your screen door can also double as a handy cheese-grater!

... and the #1 [Bizzaro World] Martha Stewart Cooking Tip:

1. For a real St. Patrick's day treat, leave the corned beef out on  the counter for a week beforehand. You not only get the taste of corned beef, but it will be a festive shade of holiday green that will accent your dinner table just right.

Sooo hard to find good 'maters these days :(. Cooking seems to help flavor. I've been using sun-dried quite a bit too, in salads, quesadillas, my hash brown "pizza" ... really zipped up an artichoke/spinach dip that was bland too. A little Worcestershire sauce and/or Liquid Smoke'll really zing ya. It's fun to play with your food.

Ever heard of grape tomatoes? They're a lot like cherry tomatoes but they're shaped like grapes and have a slightly different flavor. Also just discovered knob onions - dang fruit stand was freezing, ran to the car before I remembered to ask what their story was. Not quite as strong a flavor as green onions, a much better buy and not as much work chopping cuz they're bigger.

Hash Brown "Pizza"

Use any shredded potatoes, I like the Simply Potatoes refrigerated brand. Brown one side as directed, flip, then pile on anything that sounds good - onions, olives, peppers, bacon bits, tomatoes, whatever ... cover generously with shredded cheese of choice (try slappin' on a good glop of garlic and chive flavored cream cheese too) ... continue heating (medium high works for me) till cheese melts. Try a side of guacamole too - absolutely killer.

Embarrassingly Easy Coleslaw

Mix a 16 oz. bag of coleslaw mix with poppy seed dressing to coat. This may be bottled or homemade. Use about a cup to the 16 oz. pkg. Toss, chill, serve. The salad only needs a light coating. You know how coleslaw wilts and gets real drippy!! I usually use Le Martinique Poppy Seed Dressing (available in most markets). Thanks to Diana C. Why not experiment with other dressings too?

Lemony Parmesan Chicken

Rina, who does not cook, sent me this with a "Doesn't this look good?" note - full report due on a future page.

1/4 cup Kraft 100% Grated Parmesan Cheese
1 Tbsp. dry bread crumbs
2 boneless skinless chicken breast halves, rinsed with water
1 Tbsp. olive or vegetable oil
2 Tbsp. dry white wine or chicken broth
1 Tbsp. lemon juice

Mix cheese and bread crumbs in zipper-style plastic bag (add dried herbs such as basil or rosemary to the cheese and bread crumbs for an additional boost of flavor). Shake chicken in bag, 1 piece at a time, to coat. Heat oil in small to medium skillet on medium heat. Add chicken; cook 6 to 7 minutes on each side or until browned and cooked through. Place chicken on serving platter; keep warm.

Add wine and lemon juice to skillet; stir to loosen drippings. Cook on medium-high heat 2 to 3 minutes or until mixture is golden brown. Spoon wine mixture over chicken.

Hmmmpf - in the last few days I've heard of two people who don't like chicken - OK, I have found that lots of chicken recipes work quite well with boneless pork chops.

Salmon Soup
From Debra Bradshaw, "A recipe of my grandmothers. Good for those of us who like chowders."

1 can salmon (not drained, remove large bones)
1 can corn
salt/pepper

Heat above ingredients then add milk (till thinned to desired consistency - I add about a quart or so). Think I'll try that with canned chicken, would think tuna would work too.

Thanks for asking :) happy to oblige.

HI! I need a huge favor, and was wondering if you'd be able to help me. I have a speech class and one of our speeches is on showing the audience how to make something ... a demonstrative speech. I was wondering if you could please, please find a quick and easy recipe on how to make a dessert. I don't care what kind of dessert ... just something easy that I can give a six- minute speech on! I would be ever so grateful and ohhh I tried the easy eclair dessert. It's kinda like something my mom makes except she uses graham crackers instead of just the crumbs and she puts it in layers like a lasagna. She tops it off with either cinnamon or graham crackers or choco powder depending on the guests. Well if you could help me with the whole speech thing I'd be soooooo grateful! You have a great site. Thank u! - Terry

Re: easy dessert. Best suggestion would be to start with Site Index - for instance there's a yogurt fruit frappé that I would say qualifies as a dessert in Diary part 2 (about 3/4 of the way down the the page). Lots more lurking about (follow links to all five indexes), take your pick. Good luck with the speech and tell everyone where you got the recipe (~.*)

In the Land of Tasty Sauce Ice Cubes
from Out of my Mind into Yours, Uncle Aussie's daily column at www.woogly.com

I need to touch base with Miz Martha, the mad queen of shortcut cookery. There are, of course, different views of shortcut cookery, from food-snobby to yeah-buddy, and I've been known to espouse both ends of the spectrum, but the marvelous thing about Miz Martha is that she really understands all that. She's been known to dabble in haute cuisine and/or scratch cookin' herself, when the mood is upon her.

But the thing is, there's been a sort of paradigm shift in frozen food technology to get to the bottom of, and it's skillet dinners. Either you pay attention to such things or you don't, so I'll take the liberty of assuming you don't know what the hell I'm talking about and expound.

A skillet dinner is a bag of stuff: meat, veg and starch components, pre-cooked; point and flash frozen as individual, separate objects in the bag, along with many li'l tasty sauce ice cubes. You shake some out in a pan, heat it up a bit, and it tastes very nice, much nicer than your general run of frozen food, always assuming that Marie Callendar or Clarence Birdseye or the Jolly Green Giant or whoever created the tasty sauce ice cubes in the first place had their act together.

Most of these incorporate your yuppie mainstay of chunks of white meat chicken, and they don't skimp. This is what I need to take up with Miz Martha. Fact is, they toss very little pasta in with the chicken and broccoli and carrots and whatnot, and the stuff creates excess sauce which virtually begs to be stretched. At this point, we foil the whole purpose of handy, one-pot convenience food by cooking up additional pasta twirls to double the volume - I mean, hey, the skillet dinner costs real money and the pasta doesn't. My momma din't raise no fool.

Seems odd, but the actual cooking times matched up pretty well, and I don't consider boiling pasta to constitute dirtying a pan - boiling water cleans itself. So that experiment was a success. Friday I was struck with a choice of about a serving of Marie Callendar's Chicken Alfredo and making dumplings in chicken bouillon, which I'd been contemplating - I like the dumplings in chicken and dumplings better than the chicken. In any case, I decided to combine the two. That sounds bizarre, but the Chicken Alfredo really has few pasta twirls and not much cheesiness, if any - it's mostly chicken in white sauce with veggies.

So, anyway, I make my standard floofy dumplings in the bouillon, simmer them for 10 minutes, toss in the frozen stuff, and damned if it didn't turn into a sort of instant, lovely thick creamy sauce/soup on top of dumplings, chicken, couple bits of broccoli, carrots, snap peas, and the occasional pasta twirl (which virtually disappeared in the dumplingness). Fabulous stuff.

All of which is contrary to every principle of food snobbery, I know, but, man, it really hummed. I've never solved the problem of thickening chicken and dumpling soup, because it really needs to be very liquid like boiling water, to poach the dumplings properly, and then you have to thicken it after the fact, if you want to thicken it. Tasty sauce ice cubes are the answer.

The only problem is this: if I inform Miz Martha, she'll want to know details* like measurements, and I'm damned if I know. Some of dis and some of dat, Martha! A pint of bouillon and a third of the big box of Chicken Alfredo. Cup of Bisquick and enough milk to make it biscuit dough. Who knows? It's the concept I want to get across to the girl - she's smart enough to know how much liquid to pour in the biscuit flour. Of course, if anyone wants to market the individual chicken chunks and veggie sprigs and sauce ice cubes so that we can mix'n'match our own, that'd be cool. Then I could lose the damn broccoli and get some English peas goin' on.

*I have absolutely no clue why Aussie would accuse me of using measurement details - 'round about dis and dat be more my style. Good thing too - hard enuf as is lately reading the dang cup marks.

Little Fun with Birthdays ...

November 9 is ... Chaos Never Dies Day ... Gawd is that me! Check yours. http://www.laughinglynx.com/coolstuff/birthmonth/index.html# http://www.laughinglynx.com/coolstuff/birthday/birthday.html

Laughing Lynx Cool Stuff and No BS Zodiac

(Click off the ad - a pizza thing at present - to get to pages. Site is a bit of a pain to navigate but keep at it, hit reload when you get stuck - the funnies are well worth it.)

Oct. 23 to Nov. 21 - The worst of the lot! You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are a perfuct son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

It's the rare "boxed" definition I fit, Scorpio is one. In general we are either feared or revered (definite advantages to both conditions, no iffies about who stands where). I for one will not put up with any kind of BS. Game-playing is quite pointless, woe to those who try. As with everything in a "full-blooded" Scorp's life, there is no in-between or compromise. All is black or white. We can be wicked, vengeful, every negative way there is to be, always stimulating - often to the point of agitation ... or ... the most supportive friend, absolute confidant and passion beyond compare. Handled with respect and caution however, there will be no sting.

Famous Birthdays

What Tree Did You Fall From?
Mine is dead-on ;-)

dMarie Time Capsule
This/that happened - almost any date.

Rexanne sending 1st Anniversary issue of "Rexanne's Web Review"

You go girl, gettin' better all the time :)

Others may proclaim, "Something for everyone" ... RWR unquestionably delivers high quality diversity ... timely and continually informative, including terrific links. All adds up to a consistently entertaining, hearty read. subscribe-rwr@rexanne.com  

"You cannot do a kindness too soon because you never know how soon it will be too late." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

"Birds of a feather flock together."

If you're an eagle, don't hang around chickens: Chickens Can't Fly!

Disasters 'R' Us

Several years ago uncle sammy announced that the nation was witnessing the first generation of cooking illiterates. Cooking professionals were going to change their instructions to "common terminology presented in clear concise form." Really? Did they do it yet? I suspect my position as interpreter is secure for a while longer.

The experts are never going to get it. They will go on and on with their allusions to tranquil domesticity without ever acknowledging Murphy's Law.

Murphy trains the little people well
before sending them to live in your kitchen.

Have the good sense to recognize them at work. When you find yourself in the middle of a hot messing up streak, that is exactly where you will stay until they get tired and go to bed.

Under no circumstances attempt to repair damage, just congratulate yourself for having the car gassed up and headed in the direction of the nearest restaurant. And forget about trying to revive wilted vegetables - that's an open invitation to spectacle. Do pay attention to anything you come across about keeping things from going bad in the first place, but believe me, dead is dead. Sometimes you can get away with using an onion or head of lettuce that is only slightly wounded with some minor surgery - risky at best.

It is a good idea to have a little speech prepared as in "All I know is those hens must have had a rough night, these eggs are a mess."

I cannot anticipate every disaster that is waiting to befall you, however, I did include a few warnings. If you still screw up, at least you did it according to the book.

"(Dianne suggested yesterday that the aliens are scanning the earth with a gun that makes your sleep all wonky. This is prob'ly likely. After we're all asleep from the sleep wonkification rays, they'll creep up on us with their great whacking Fuddlers and fuddle us all into submission. Just thank God they can't read between parentheses.)"

Aussie also said aliens hate mint green, which makes perfect sense to me. Some years ago I determined that I was unable to rid myself of several avocado green appliances because I had been chosen for observation.

You are with me here right? Little green men, mint/avocado clash, just checking ...

I knew I wouldn't get any sleep that nite after reliving the memories. It had nothing to do with having to take naps after spending more than 15 minutes outside in Houston summer weather. Or indulging in I'm-not-telling-how-much ice cream for medicinal purposes.

(I also happened to be waiting for aol to unclog the lines so I could publish this top secret information.) (Note parentheses ... live and learn.)

After running an ad offering to pay to have the stove hauled off - "Attention landlords wishing to subject tenants to extreme mental cruelty" - I decided to keep the fridge for it's stress-relief value.

Nothing like banging away at six inches of frost and damn the dents. Mopping up was great exercise too.

I didn't get the pleasure nearly as often after I pushed it aside in favor of a newer model. We only visited on the rare occasions I planned ahead for a party and needed a place to stash the goodies or over-replenished staples like candy bars and wine.

Learned my lesson years ago about stocking up on real food. My tastes change too easily, I develop amnesia, and the electricity always goes out when the freezer is full of meat.

I do miss the old green monster. Especially the reaction from those looking for a beer who spotted my favorite battle weapon. Doesn't everybody keep a butcher knife in the fridge?

Do be careful should you decide to try this. In honor of a past editor - "Puncturing the cooling coils will cost a bundle to repair and releasing Freon into the atmosphere is an environmental no-no."

Right after I received my first "I don't love you" e-mails (anonymously, the chickens), I happened to come across this, "I am sitting in the smallest room of my house. I have your review before me. In a moment it will be behind me." (Max Reger - responding to a bad review by Rudolph Louis.) Please feel free to customize for your needs. If you need a little help, check out my Third Party Relay service - necessary, naughty or nice, every message has a price - Editing, Etc. - includes freebie tips to sharpen your image on web pages, business and personal correspondence too.

They're not hot flashes - they're power surges!

Words that Don't Exist, but Should

Aquadextrous (wa deks'trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub tap on and off with your toes.

Carpetuation (kar'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

Disconfect (dis kon fekt') v. To sterilize the piece of confection (lolly) you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

Elbonics (el bon'iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater.

Frust (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Lactomangulation (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

Peppier (peph ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want fresh ground pepper.

Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pupkus (pup'kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

I wish I could come up with a word for studying and puzzling over a return address for several minutes instead of opening the envelope right away to relieve the suspense - has to be the dumbest mind game on ourselves - and we all do it, all the time.

Hey, I'll send ya a book if you come up with a good 'un. If there's more than one suggestion, I'll make up some kind of contest. Having some fun now ... Hey, just thought of one: Stupuzcrastination - whaddya think?

I Wish for You . . .

Comfort on difficult days,
Smiles when sadness intrudes,
Rainbows to follow the clouds,
Laughter to kiss your lips,
Sunsets to warm your heart,
Gentle hugs when spirits sag,
Friendships to brighten your being,
Beauty for your eyes to see,
Confidence for when you doubt,
Faith so that you can believe,
Courage to know yourself,
Patience to accept the truth,
And love to complete your life.

Strength

We don't always have to be strong to be strong. Sometimes our strength is expressed in being vulnerable. Sometimes we need to fall apart to regroup and stay on track.

We all have days when we cannot push any harder, cannot hold back self-doubt, cannot stop focusing on fear, cannot be strong.

There are days when we cannot focus on being responsible. Occasionally, we don't want to get out of our pajamas. Sometimes we cry in front of people. We expose our tiredness, irritability, or anger. Those days are okay. They are just okay.

Part of taking care of ourselves means we give ourselves permission to "fall apart" when we need to. We do not need to be perpetual towers of strength. We are strong. We have proven that.

Our strength will continue if we allow ourselves the courage to feel scared, weak, and vulnerable when we need to experience those feelings.

Today, help me to know that is it okay to allow myself to be human. Help me not to feel guilty or punish myself when I need to "fall apart."

Cookery, Crookery.Doc
The mouse ran up the clock ...

Amy V. gives OK to packaged food

I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message ...

When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded - another fine example of e-mail wisdom. In my case, what's left would be more to the point. I was explaining the not-suffering-from-insanity, but enjoying-it-state to several old friends recently (little reunion in KC). One of the girls said she was going to use the "You were talking to ... " multiple personality thing on her daughters the next time they pull the "But Mom we told you," trick. I did that on purpose to my parents. Who knew - no wonder it worked! Insanity is hereditary you know ... you get it from your children.

A weird thing happened on the way to Mothers Day. I'm turning into someone else's mother. "Aren't you having any potato salad?"

"Oh no, had mine earlier, tasting you know, just to see if it was all right."

"You sound just like my mother." I have not met this woman! Truly something to wonder about about ...

I am now at the age when children would be calling home for recipes. However, I knew a looong time ago I wasn't the motherly type - more to the point I wasn't about to set myself up for paybacks on some of the stuff I pulled - and I was the good kid - really. It does tickle me when when I get a note from someone just starting out. Where was I when I needed me?

Appropriately enough, right before Mothers Day a few years back, I got as close to the baby thing as I ever intend to again. Take this as a warning if somebody chooses you as recipient of a bread starter dough kit. Mine arrived by way of a friend of a friend. The quest for new victims of this type of chain can get out of hand even in a place as big as Houston. Had the first friend known me better, she would have known better. There it was though, just like a baby in a basket on a doorstep, couldn't be ignored, complete with a very tasty sample. OK, fine, I'll play along. It sat there innocently enough the first day - the instructions even said do nothing. That was the end of peace as I knew it. The thing had a life of its own. Squeeze the bag, add this, let the air out - even had to burp it a couple of times in the middle of the night.

The day arrived. That was irritating in itself - had to be tended to immediately or suffer apocalyptic consequences. I will spare you the details, suffice to say the whole project more than lived up to mess expectations. I am proud to say I did my part to end the lunacy. My "little gifts" went out the door with a new set of instructions (here's what's really going to happen) and permission to pitch.

Snowman Poop Gift Recipe

Microwave several miniature marshmallows to the semi-melty stage. Kind of roll them together to form little balls. (You can add small amounts of coconut for "roughage.") Place in a small, transparent gift bag with a bow. Attach the following on a tag: From the Dysfunctional Holiday Kitchen of (Your Name Here) sung to the tune of "Jolly Old Saint Nicholas":

"Jolly dear sweet friend of mine, lean your ear this way!
Don't you tell a single soul what I'm going to say!
For all those friends who've made you mad, hurt you or were rude,
I have found the perfect gift - one that's made of food.
Instead of giving lumps of coal, darlings, here's the scoop:
Here is something right for them - a bag of snowman poop!"

Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.

If all is not lost, where is it?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If I was supposed to be able to touch my toes, they'd be on my knees.

When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

Watch out now, Bubba has a new toy. These are real pics of real food caught live on digi. Not bad for a first attempt to document what goes on around here.

It's Kitche-Cam

Pronounced kitchee - what else would I call it? Everything I do in that territory is abbreviated.

As far as I know there isn't a whole lot to do to Canadian bacon ... fanning it out struck me as, "Ain't that purty, yeehaw, let's get a pic."

That's about half a small can of Mandarin oranges with juice. The maple syrup drizzling action shot was fuzzy - sorry. That was it - about 15 minutes to heat thru - very tasty. 'Specially with my secret beans (recipe available only in my Book). This is a teaser for y'all.

Note decorative bacon arrangement.

Done, with all that tasty grease cooked in - best part of the flavor. Don't think about it, just dive in. Wish there was a live digi sniffin' option too ;)

Next ...

No, this is not a dead starfish ;)

It is first phase construction of a Baked Chicken Salad Ring. Separate crescent rolls, lightly press on the center. It was supposed to be done on a cookie sheet but I didn't have one handy - that's the same ol' 8 x 8 from above. Original instructions are below.

Ingredients
1 ˝ cup diced cooked chicken (I used canned, the big one)
1 (8 oz.) can pineapple tidbits, drained
1/3 cup mayonnaise
1/4 cup diced celery
1/4 cup chopped almonds
1/4 cup diced green pepper
salt and pepper to taste
1 can refrigerator crescent rolls
1 egg, beaten

Method
Combine chicken, pineapple, mayonnaise, celery, almonds, green pepper and salt and pepper to taste in bowl; toss lightly. Set aside. Separate rolls into 8 triangles. Arrange on greased cookie sheet in circle with bases overlapping and tips pointing outward. Spoon chicken salad in ring around bases of triangles, packing firmly to insure ring shape. Fold triangle tips over filling and tuck under bases. Brush with egg. Bake at 350° for 25 to 30 minutes or until golden. Serve hot.

I would say this would be a great company dish, however, it is soooo good, you will need at least two for more than four people. Use whatever you like best in chicken salad, I added onions and left out the green pepper - also didn't mess with the egg.

Yes Messin' with Eggs

Call the above a semi-omelet - I wasn't paying attention for a few seconds, then noticed the s'posed-to-be-scrambled-eggs had already started to set. Cheese was a bubblin' away ... poked a few holes to let the runnies finish cooking while the bottom turned slightly brown and crispy.

What Can I Do?
 by Pat Martinez (borrowed from the Sonshine newsletter)

Dr. Frank Mayfield was touring Tewksbury Institute when, on his way out, he accidentally collided with an elderly floor maid. To cover the awkward moment Dr. Mayfield started asking questions, "How long have you worked here?"

"I've worked here almost since the place opened," the maid replied.

"What can you tell me about the history of this place?" he asked.

"I don't think I can tell you anything, but I could show you something."

With that, she took his hand and led him down to the basement under the oldest section of the building. She pointed to one of what looked like small prison cells, their iron bars rusted with age, and said, "That's the cage where they used to keep Annie."

"Who's Annie?" the doctor asked.

"Annie was a young girl who was brought in here because she was incorrigible - which means nobody could do anything with her. She'd bite and scream and throw her food at people. The doctors and nurses couldn't even examine her or anything. I'd see them trying with her spitting and scratching at them. I was only a few years younger than her myself and I used to think 'I sure would hate to be locked up in a cage like that.' I wanted to help her, but I didn't have any idea what I could do. I mean, if the doctors and nurses couldn't help her, what could someone like me do?

"I didn't know what else to do, so I just baked her some brownies one night after work. The next day I brought them in. I walked carefully to her cage and said, 'Annie I baked these brownies just for you. I'll put them right here on the floor and you can come and get them if you want.' Then I got out of there just as fast as I could because I was afraid she might throw them at me. But she didn't. She actually took the brownies and ate them.

"After that, she was just a little bit nicer to me when I was around. And sometimes I'd talk to her. Once, I even got her laughing. One of the nurses noticed this and she told the doctor. They asked me if I'd help them with Annie. I said I would if I could. So that's how it came about that every time they wanted to see Annie or examine her, I went into the cage first and explained and calmed her down and held her hand. Which is how they discovered that Annie was almost blind.

"After they'd been working with her for about a year - and it was tough sledding with Annie - the Perkins institute for the Blind opened its doors. They were able to help her and she went on to study and became a teacher herself.

"Annie came back to the Tewksbury Institute to visit, and to see what she could do to help out. At first, the director didn't say anything and then he thought about a letter he'd just received. A man had written to him about his daughter. She was absolutely unruly - almost like an animal He'd been told she was blind and deaf as well as 'deranged' He was at his wit's end, but he didn't want to put her in an asylum. So he wrote here to ask if we knew of anyone - any teacher - who would come to his house and work with his daughter.

"And that is how Annie Sullivan became the lifelong companion of Helen Keller."
  
When Helen Keller received the Nobel Prize, she was asked who had the greatest impact on her life and she said, "Annie Sullivan." But Annie said, "No Helen. The woman who had the greatest influence on both our lives was a floor maid at the Tewksbury Institute."

Adapted from a true story told by Leah Curtin R.N. (Nursing Management Magazine.)

Post Script: History is changed when one person asks, "What can someone like me do?"

Aging Baby Boomers' Alphabet

A is for arthritis
B is for bad back
C is for the chest pains. Corned beef? Cardiac?
D is for dental decay and decline
E is for eyesight - can't read that top line
F is for fissures and fluid retention
G is for gas (which I'd rather not mention)
And other gastrointestinal glitches
H is high blood pressure
I is for itches
J is for joints that are failing to flex
L is for libido--what happened to sex?
Wait! I forgot about K for bad knees
(I've got a few gaps in my M - emory)
N is for nerve (pinched) and neck (stiff) and neurosis
O is for osteo-
P is for porosis
Q is for queasiness. Fatal? Just flu?
R is for reflux - one meal becomes two
S is for sleepless nights counting my fears
T is for tinnitus - bells in my ears
U is for difficulties urinary
V is for vertigo
W is worry
About what the X - as in X-ray - will find
But though the word "terminal' rushes to mind,
I'm proud, as each
Y - year - goes by, to reveal a reservoir of undiminished
Z - zeal - for checking the symptoms my body's deployed,
And keeping my twenty-six doctors employed.



Mitakuye Oyasin
means "we all are related" or "all things are related." From The Gold Rush, a variety zine - TJinIowa@aol.com - Love his tag line ... "Don't take life so seriously, it isn't permanent."



Remember, when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles in your face to frown. But, it only takes four muscles to extend your arm and slap that mother*#@ upside the head.

Try putting a piece of Wrigleys Spearmint Gum (still wrapped) on top of boxes of corn meal, rice, and anything bugs like to get into. For some reason it must be Wrigley's Spearmint Gum.

The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want. Another spell check/dictionary baffler - no matter, I like it. Much classier than doddering, my usual state.

Why Were Dogs Made?
Author unknown, edited for this publication

 I don't think it was accidental, so why do you suppose hounds are around?

Recently, I watched an elderly woman trying to recover from a stroke. Her brain was damaged and her arm was weak. Her therapist brought, of all things, a dog to help out. Instead of completing monotonous drills, the elderly patient threw a bright red Frisbee across the room, and the dog bounced over, picked it up, and brought it back, his eyes begging, "Throw it again, please!" And she did, over and over and over, forgetting that she was actually working quite hard.

Where did dogs come from anyway? Certainly there are exceptions, and certainly people can breed dogs to bring out the worst in them, but in general, there is nothing more selfless, loving or patient than a dog. Mistreat it and it comes back to you anyway. Ignore it and it never gives up hope that you will be its friend again. Make it wait days to go play, and it will still be ready. It offers friendship and companionship and in return asks only for food, water and an occasional scratch behind the ears.

Who would bother to make such a creature? I suppose that if dogs were like people they would eventually give up on us ... but they never do. A dog's love is almost impossible to destroy, because it's not a love you earn - it's simply a love you are given. In other words, dogs love unconditionally. Unconditional love, unending patience, faithfulness to the very end.

Do you suppose, just perhaps, that a higher being made dogs to show us a little something? Do you think maybe "man's best friend" is really pointing us to the One (whatever your belief) who is truly our very best friend? You could learn a lot about godliness from a dog.

I am not religious in the usual sense, I honor the my own beliefs. Dog spelled backwards = god = superior being ... no question about it.

Another thinker ...

http://sneakykitchen.com/Ideas/dogs.htm
Dogs help us eat better - it's true!

While you're there, open every Sneaky Kitchen cupboard and drawer - terrific info (hints, instructions, definitions), humor, links ... the list goes on.

Mo' Hints

To fill a plastic baggie with liquid items, first put the baggie into a drinking glass. This way it has support while pouring.

Cure for headaches: Cut a lime in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go.

Bar Soap: Unwrap and air dry a new bar of soap for two or three days before using it - makes it last times longer, especially the soft ones like Dove and Camay. Don't throw away the wrapper after removing a bar of soap. Place it inside shoe cabinet or shoebox. It's a cheap way of filling the air with a nice smell.

Spread a little mayonnaise on a cloth, rub it into the linoleum floor and it will quickly remove black scuff marks.

Need a votive candle holder? Use a baby food or small mushroom jar.

If you have a small splinter, like one from a cactus plant, try using white glue to get it out. Apply the glue over the splinter area, let it dry and then peel off the glue and out will come the splinter.

If you're a non-sewer you might not keep extra thread around the house which can be very inconvenient when a button pops off. Use dental floss. It's much stronger than regular thread.

From One Woman to Another ...

Most of you have read the scare-mail about the person whose kidneys were stolen while he was passed out - well, read on. While that was an "urban legend," this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night of August 3rd a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal.

Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been wholly, if imperfectly, mine for years. Whose thighs were these? What happened to mine? I spent the entire summer looking for them. I searched, in vain, at pools and beaches, anywhere I might find female limbs exposed. I became obsessed. I had nightmares filled with cellulite and flesh that turns to bumps in the night. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My rear end was next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than the original) to the thighs they had stuck me with earlier. Now my rear complimented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning while fixing my hair, I watched, horrified but fascinated, as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary. My body was being replaced, cleverly and fiendishly, one section at a time.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age was supposed to creep up, unnoticed and intangible, something like maturity. No!, I was being attacked, repeatedly and without warning. During one spring, my attention was riveted to upper arms ... female arms. I studied them from every angle, being careful not to raise mine in public or flatten them too tightly against my body. In private, I held them straight out and did endless circles that would have tightened my real arms but did nothing for these new "Silly-Putty" caricatures. In the end, in deepening despair, I gave up my T-shirts.

What could they do to me next? My eyes began to remind people that they needed a new pair of Hush Puppies. My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now reminded me of.

That's why I've decided to tell my story; I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of America, wake up and smell the coffee! That isn't really "plastic" those surgeons are using. You know where they're getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again! Was it lifted from you? Check out those tummy tucks and buttocks raisings. Look familiar? Are those your eyelids on that movie star?

I think I finally may have found my thighs ... and I hope Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them! This is not a hoax! This is happening to women in every town every night. Warn all your friends!!

Author unknown, thanks to Lael for sharing.

Hurry back soon and often, there'll be lots more ...
yes, I know, my pages tend to turn into sagas - what can I say, it's like packing a suitcase - always one more thing to squeeze in.

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