Necessary, naughty or nice ... every message has a price

Services offered
by

Third Party Relay
a.k.a.
Yippee Kye Ink
a division of www.TheRealMartha.com

In a nutshell: My background is editorial - from straight proofreading to composition help. Very often, simply cutting excess makes a huge difference in readability, interest and credibility. Excellent ideas are lost because most people lack the training to communicate well. Also see In general below.

I enjoy nitpicking - for those prepared to take constructive criticism. If that's you, read on. If not, let's not waste each other's time. Yes, it may sting when I suggest that hilarious or profound expression you are so in love with ... just ain't that great. Hey, didja know slang is perfectly acceptable? I use it all the time - in appropriate settings.

Showing off ...

Dear Martha,

I don't know what I would do without you!

As a writer, both on and off line, I have struggled with editors, proofreaders and well-meaning friends and family. All tried to rewrite my material. All thought they knew what was "best" for my written words. None of them, no matter how professional or well-intentioned, were helpful. They only made me feel I needed lots of help and couldn't write. I was ready to give up.

When you proofread my first web page, your suggestions and amazing knowledge of writing, grammar, spelling and punctuation helped me look so good, I was in awe! :-) I wouldn't dream of publishing anything, on or off line, without having it "Martha-ized" first. You have the ability to take a simple sentence of mine and make it so much better just by moving my words around a little or suggesting a more appropriate word or sentence structure. You are simply the best copy writer/editor/proofreader in the business today. I am forever grateful for your wisdom and guidance. I could not have gained the reputation I have without you. Thank you. You are a true find!

See below for freebie tips - you may not need to hire me after all.

Ask if you don't see a particular covered. Send a sample copy of your newsletter, a page link, whatever ... I'll answer with an estimate. Notice I did not say exact estimate - think about it. Incidentally, I am always open to barter proposals.

Special notice to critter people ~ as time permits, I'm happy to make suggestions and/or help with press releases for any incorporated 501(c)(3) non-profit animal welfare organization, no charge of course.

Dig it - there's more ...

I do messages too - e-mail, snail or fax. However, there will be no misrepresentation and raunchy is not acceptable. Third Party Relay can direct the boss to pay more attention to the person doing the real work, arrange a cheerful drop-dead/rain-on-parade, test the water anonymously (personal/business ads/relationships), uninvite problem people to occasions they might ruin, pump a little sunshine, create an impression - whatever. Yes, I truly do love telling people where to go and how to get there.

In today's world, creativity, caution and safeguards are quite useful, often mandatory and are available on the receiving end too. Whatever you have in mind is most likely arrangeable, just ask. All communications are completely confidential. Proof of ID is required.

Now here's a service you won't see advertised every day: pre-need obits. Get your money's worth, they're not free anymore. Do not leave it to the family, could be your only/last shot at "fame" in print. This is one department where a little truth stretching never hurts - oh hell, people lie on resumes all the time.

Alrighty then, get busy and send me your stuff,

Snail address: Martha Jones, PO Box 311, Troy, MO 63379

MarthaJones1@aol.com

or

MsAtte2ude@aol.com 

Just for fun: One of my professional "qualifications" is responsibility for letting Pubic Safety Officer fly by in a headline in a real newsprint paper. Fortunately, the nice policeman was enjoying the notoriety.

Freebie Tips

The use of all CAPS is extremely irritating - italicize and/or bold to emphasize.

It's/its: It's is correct as a contraction of it is/has - It's a nice day./It's been a nice day. Its is correct as possessive without the apostrophe. Speaking of the paper, I think you'll enjoy its content.

Punctuation: Use commas sparingly. Avoid too many !!! Oh gawd, the list is endless ... (as in this is exactly why you need a pro proof)(parentheses can also be exceptionally annoying). Quote marks rules would take up a whole page here. These suggestions will get you by in most cases. Try italics and/or bold to make a point. When purposely attempting sarcasm (best left to the pros) or some sort of ironic connotation, quotes are correct. However, they get to be quite maddening when used too often. Apostrophes are tricky little buggers too. The usual mistakes are due to misplacement. This or that happened in the '60s is incorrect. The apostrophe represents the missing 19. The '60s are already plural by all by themselves and they don't own anything. One more time, 1960's is incorrect.

Now about those ... properly referred to as ellipsis ( ... ). In general, treat as a three-letter word, using the three periods and two spaces, which can also be interpreted as ( . . . ) which I think looks like hell. Do it either way that floats your boat, the real rules, for each oddball case, take up almost an entire page in the stylebooks. Puhleeeeze do not use endless ............ that looks amazingly like brain leakage. Ellipsis can be quite handy when regular punctuation doesn't look quite right, for various reasons, on Web pages. Or, for those times the da noodle really is leaking - or toast - at deadline. Dashes sometimes look/work better.

And, never use the ampersand (&) in text, only in formal names/titles (Jones & Company, Smith & Jones).

Use but as infrequently as possible. Try: however, though, never/nonetheless, dashes/hyphens or ... .

Avoid repeating words - use a thesaurus, follow the word trail for ideas. Same goes for dictionaries.

Spell check: Nothing beats misspelling for creating a bad impression. If you don't care about professional details, why would I believe you care about me as a customer? Under no circumstances leave spell checking to the computer. The best program will not catch something as simple as the difference between sun and son. Factoid: It is impossible to proof your own writing, you see and hear what you think you wrote.

Read to yourself out loud to test the "flow."

Create a printable order form. Make it as easy as possible for a potential customer to buy, especially when you don't offer a credit card option. Printing a form will serve as a reminder.

The above is by no means a complete representation of potential bug-a-boos, more like a list of the most common. One example that doesn't fit anywhere else is voilą, which is French, loosely translated as here/there it is. Usually used with an exclamation point to denote surprise, astonishment, accomplishment and/or something like, "Lookee, I told ya so." It is not walla (although that is close to the correct pronunciation), nor is it viola (that's a musical instrument). Y'all best stay clear of them there furrun words - the English language is tough enough all by its lonesome.

In general, most people have a tendency to repeat basically the same thought or information at least once, sometimes two or three times. Usually that's due to hyper-enthusiasm or plain old-fashioned outrage. Why else would anybody bother to write?

Editors cut/rearrange for brevity and clarity. I am very careful not to change the writer's tone, the "sound" of their voice if you want to call it that. You can't take any editing personally, which happens to be the usual reaction. Feels like a wild animal mauled your child. If I change a line or word to something you absolutely would not say, tell me. First though, read the whole piece again. You'll probably find it says exactly what you meant.

Once I edit a piece or a whole publication, unless I see a valid reason to change anything, I'm done. My name as editor means my way, right down to every punctuation mark and each case of type spacing. I simply do not have time to waste. You might decide you need someone not so picky next time.

Do you want the usual?

Or do you want it right?

Doesn't look like all that much difference until you really concentrate.

Please investigate a sampling of my work ...

All the critter pages, finally in one place: http://www.therealmartha.com/CritterIndex/index.htm ~ some of my best efforts

http://www.therealmartha.com/indexgraphiccr/default.htm ~ much miscellanea, including recipes, tips, some crafty stuff, humor, controversy

http://www.therealmartha.com/WAR/index.htm ~ The Whispering Activist Record

I apologize in advance for older pages afflicted by aol limitations. The publishing program for most pages no longer exists. I'm stuck with warts and all until I figure out how to bypass.

• Feeder's Digest
• Diary of a Mad Politically Incorrect Cook
• Bubba Gourmet
• Queen Can-ivore's Can-tagious Can Cuisine
• Grand Opening - the Escape from aol Hell
• Catch All
• Man at Home (Friendly bashers)
• Miss Liberty, M.E. (Mutt Extraordinaire)
• The Libby Claws and Paws on the Keyboard Award
• Cats PJs Award page
• Muddy Good Show Award
• Just my Dog (S)he's not just a dog
• Toot-Toot from Buster
• More Tooters
• The International Courtesy Whiz Exchange
• Buster's Party
• The Scorpion Me (If you're into astrology at all, you know about Scorps, 'nuff said.)
• Order My Book
• Guest Comment Options
• Reviews
• Credentials
• Cool Mail from Famous People
• Less-than-Fivers Hot List
• LTF tags
• Eggments
• Caricatures by Rina
• Site Index (old)

Priority for the duration

Whispering Activist Record

http://www.therealmartha.com/WAR/index.htm - central update listings

"The Whispering Activist" a.k.a. Martha Jones - Opinions and ideas, mine and from others, that everyone can use to get involved, make a difference and lighten the load; includes hoax busting/hype warnings, common sense editorial, links, household tips, easy recipes and a little humor along the way. Animal issues also addressed.

http://www.therealmartha.com/WAwelcomeintro/index.htm - The answer to terrorism is NO!
http://www.therealmartha.com/WARAwards/index.htm - awards available

Lighten up

http://www.therealmartha.com/Skewed_Views/index.htm ~ Skewed Views presented by The UnBlonde Sheep, poking holes while tending to the general shearing of BS

http://www.therealmartha.com/brightspots/index.htm ~ Wit and wisdom gathered from every day goings on, special events, occasions, critters, friends ... real people what-have-yous - includes something for everyone, with special attention paid to the sneakin'-up-on-50 crowd

http://www.therealmartha.com/Granny_Greetings/index.htm ~ Oldie-goldies, memories, original compositions and personal tributes, humor and happy tears

http://www.therealmartha.com/buttments/index.htm ~ Silly naughties, not vulgar

http://www.therealmartha.com/Frogulations/index.htm ~ A different sort of B-day greeting

http://www.therealmartha.com/stress/index.htm ~ Merely suggestions mind you

*My spell corrector said it was OK

Eye halve a spelling checker
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marquees four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My checker tolled me sew.

No publication - particularly this one - would be complete without this celebrated CYA.

Please be advised any errors contained within are intentional. I strive to offer something for everyone, including those who enjoy looking for mistakes.