Welcome

to

The Living End

This is a surprise with buttments as the address? Go away if "earthy" is beneath your delicate sensibilities. What we have here is an assortment of the truly juvenile. Figure I'm entitled as I careen into my dotage. Possibly a naughty little boy is lurking about with the extra personalities. In any case, while I'm saving asses, one friend has started a new doll collection - hard to tell what we old broads might do next. Why not? I still have my trolls, with their precious little bums and that "Dam" imprint - both of which provided endless mischievous amusement back in the day.

All of this is Beth's fault, inspired by her latest. It could also be considered an excuse for a tribute to an inordinate amount of time spent in the bathroom (I do try to divide my purchases equally among TP companies so as not to cause stock market imbalances). Certainly not because I have time on my hands - behind (what else) as always - however, priorities iz priorities! If ya can't stop and smell ... no, that's too easy, I'll just say

and I warned ya.

Butt Wait a Minute ...
By Beth Goodtree

    I love American ingenuity. Just when I thought I'd heard the last of silly products and sillier hype, some company comes along to disabuse me of my errant notion. The latest invention not to hit the shelves (yet) is a new type of tights called Wonderbum. Wonderbum???????  I kid you not.

    DuPont, the company whose slogan was, in part, ..."Better living ... through chemistry,” now proposes to bring us tighter living through Lycra. Butt wait a minute, I thought bums were those down-and-out guys who lived on the Bowery. Is "Wonderbum" a superhero of indigence, who can squeeze a nickel until it bleeds dimes? Fat chance. Let me rephrase that. Slimmer chance.

    Wonderbum is supposed to be a technological miracle of Lycra and engineering - a new product that "lifts, separates and shapes" the parts other tights don't reach. It promises, "a perfectly peachy, pert bottom.” Puhleeease! Sounds like some recent marketing grad is showing off their use of alliteration. You can cram as many Ps as your editor will allow into one sentence, but I seriously doubt it will lift these glutes to youthfully acceptable heights.

    So just who is the market for these new Wonderbum tights? My guess is probably women like me, who feel that life has "let them down," so to speak. You know the type. We once wore our short-shorts proudly, but if we tried now, the flapping of our thighs would earn us a ticket for trying to use public property as a runway. I don't know about anyone else, but after I spend my first 15 minutes awake trying to uncrust my eyes, my feet hit the floor, followed two seconds later, by my bottom. Maybe the secret invention in these new-fangled tights is that they've glued Slinkys to the bottom of the butt part. That way, they would instill a new bounce to my derriere after it hits the floor.

    Reading the press release further, I came to the part which states, "Let's face it, this is what women everywhere want."

   "Women would no longer need to turn to the surgeon's knife to achieve that pert look,"  Said a company spokeswoman. My response? The only surgeon who could possibly give me that "pert look" had better be wielding a machete. I passed the mere surgical knife stage about 20 hissy fits ago.

    That's because hissy fits and eating go hand-in-hand in my book. I think it goes back to my infancy. I was the only newborn to be put on a diet. Since I was breast-feeding at the time, I often wondered how they managed that one. Find skinny breasts? However, from the first, food was used as a way of comforting and calming me. I think my big mistake was in eating while seated. That way, all the food fell into my tushy. Now if I had been standing, it would have all gone to my heels. And one person's fat heels are another person's built-in Dr. Scholl's shoe liners!

   Butt back to the Wonderbum. I'm trying to figure out how they plan to lift and separate this overly proud derriere. Built-in brackets, maybe? Did they find some secret papers of Da Vinci and the Wright Brothers to create a new form of flying buttress? Apparently not. DuPont says it's a new form of tights. Right. I'd bottom out faster that a taxicab going over a New York City pothole!

    As much as I'd like to try out this new miracle of engineering and Lycra, it looks like I'm going to have to wait. Wonderbum is not slated for debut until late 2002. I guess the world needs some "perfectly peachy, pert" posterior preparation. Oh, butt they have that already! It's called Preparation H.

Beth's bio: "I disgraced this world June 6, 1954. I come from the only place that has a state smell - New Jersey, which goes along with our state bird, the West-Nile-Virus-carrying-mosquito." Beth will be taking online courses at MIT this fall in physics and electrical engineering so she can retire as a mad scientist. Write Beth: TheUnBlondeSheep@aol.com or BGoodtree@aol.com

There's more Beth below ... takes a little working up to, really.

Jokes of the proper kind, properly told, can do more to enlighten
questions of politics, philosophy and literature than any number of
dull arguments. ~ Isaac Asimov

Do the right click thing to save, print out on heavy card stock or have laminated, then stick on a piece of magnetic tape. Note please, this little gift for you is not an indication that diet recipes are to be found at TheRealMartha - beware! You're on your own - I refuse to accept responsibility for whatever scrumptious trouble you may find.

The day the world decides to beat a path to my door, I will, no doubt, be in the bathroom.

Might have been this guy ...

I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than I heard a voice from the next stall, "Hi, how are you doing?"

I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed, "Not bad."

And the stranger said, "And, what are you up to?"

Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said, "Well, just like you I'm driving east."

Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."

The Bathroom Door is Closed, all moms will appreciate
http://home.att.net/~scorh4/Bath.html

Ted and his wife are working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says, "Your butt is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue." With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape to compare.

"I was right, your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!!"

The wife chooses to ignore him. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances toward his wife who completely brushes him off.

"What's wrong?"

"Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little sausage?"

Just back from a little chat with the boss ...

Pumpernickel bread is thought to be named for the German
words meaning devil fart. In German, pumpern means to break
wind, and nickel means devil, demon or goblin. The reputed
indigestibility of the heavy bread made of unbolted rye
flour causes gas as powerful as that which the devil experiences.

This is the friendship turd,

No matter what shit happens, I'll always be there for you :)

Thanks H, I love you too!

A few new definitions from an outrageously bawdy list

Picasso Arse: A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got four buttocks.

Release a chocolate hostage: To defecate, e.g. "I've got one in the departure lounge, so I'm just nipping out to release a chocolate hostage."

Going for a McShit: Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is a McShit With Lies.

X-Piles: Unwanted visitors from Uranus.

Let me know if you want a copy of the whole unexpurgated thing. It is baaaad. MarthaJones1@aol.com

Please use a clearly defined subject line. Due to junk overload, I delete unknowns.

As a public service, and since I couldn't find my own copy of the list the last time someone requested it, try: http://www.jokes2go.com/lists/list148.html or http://www.chillibomb.com/lingo.htm

Marketing Slogans for Maternity Thongs
Copyright 2001 by Chris White www.Topfive.com

In the third trimester, every pair of underwear becomes a thong anyway.

Appearing in Sisqo's nightmares since 1998.

Hey, you already look like a sumo wrestler.

An ass that big should be flaunted.

Sleek and sexy ... like the string on a baked ham.

Thanks to Joanne for pic.

The above brought the below to mind. From the Havasu Free Press, the "viewspaper" that used to be home. Multiples do come in handy making a small staff look big. Even better ... had my butt chewed more than once by various asses about "those other people" and our letters to the editor pen name option policy. When the pot needed stirring, we did it ourselves.

This is the Fairy of Joy

Everyone she touches with her wand receives happiness ... may she beat the shit outta you!

This may seem a bit off-track, it'll get there

The Georgia peach said, "When my first child was  born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."  

The lady from Alabama commented. "Well, isn't  that nice?"  

The first woman continued, "When my second child  was born, my husband bought me that fine Cadillac you see parked in  the drive."  

Again, the belle from Alabama commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"  

The first woman boasted, "Then, when my third  child was born, my husband bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."  

Yet again, the second of the ladies commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"  

The first woman then asked her companion, "What  did your husband buy for  you when you had your first child?  

"My husband sent me to charm school."   

"Charm school, land sakes, child, what on earth for?"  

The Alabamian responded, "So that instead of saying, "Who gives a  shit?," I learned to say, "Well, isn't that nice?"

Thanks to LM for the bunny butt.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

According to a 1999 survey by the Scott Paper Company, you can gauge a person's education by whether they read in the bathroom.

* More than 2/3 of the people with a master's degree and doctorates read in the stall.

* Fifty four percent of Americans fold their toilet tissue neatly while 35 percent wad it into a ball before using it.

* Seven percent steal rolls of toilet paper (hotels/motels).

* More than 60 percent prefer that their toilet paper roll over the top, 29 percent from the bottom. The rest don't care.

The Ass-icons

(_13_)
An unlucky ass

(_$_)
Money coming out the ass

(_!_)
Nice ass 

(__!__)
Large ass 

(!)
Tight ass 

(_._)
Flat ass 

(_*_)
Sore ass 

{_!_}
Squishy ass 

(_o_)
An ass that's been around 

(_O_)
An ass that's really been around 

(_x_)
Kiss my ass 

(_X_)
Get off my ass

(_zzz_)
Tired ass 

(_?_)
Dumb ass

The higher a monkey climbs, the more you see of his behind.

What real women do with duct tape

In a survey, 80 percent of women thought their
ass was too fat, 15 percent said their ass was
too thin and the other five percent said they
didn't care - they would have married him
anyway!

Thanks Rina, for the above and below

Me Mudder
  When me prayers were poorly said
  Who tucked me in me widdle bed
And spanked me till me arse was wed

Me mudder

Who took me from me cozy cot
And put me on the ice cold pot
And made me pee if I could not

Me mudder

And when the morning light would come
And in me crib me dribbled some
Who wiped me tiny widdle bum

Me mudder

Who would me hair so neatly part
And hug me gently to her heart
Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart

Me mudder
Who looked at me with eyebrows knit
And nearly have a king size fit
When in me Sunday pants me shit

Me mudder

When at night her bed did squeak
Me raised me head to have a peek
Who yelled at me to go to sleep

Me farver!

From the Darwin award list

Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
altitude when another plane approached. It appears they decided
to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their
own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage
with their pants around their ankles.

What's the difference between the pope and your boss? The Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

Now we know

There was a mamma mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole outside of a farm house out in the country.

One morning, the papa mole reached his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell sausage."

The mama mole reached her head outside of the hole and said, "Mmmmm, I smell pancakes."

As the baby mole repeatedly tried to stick his head out of the hole to get a whiff, he became frustrated because the two bigger moles were in the way.

Unable to take it any longer, the baby mole mumbled, "The only thing I can smell is ...

scroll down ...

get ready ...

are you sure you're ready?

You may never forgive me ...

molasses."

Thanks Jill, and Joanne for the graphic touch

From an old friend of Bub's - another it'll-get-there

I thought you would like my recipe for baked chicken since your roomie has that cooking site. 

When I found this recipe I thought it was perfect for people, like me, who just are not sure how to tell when poultry is cooked thoroughly but not dried out. Give it a try!

               6-7 lb. chicken
              1 cup melted butter
              1 cup stuffing
              1 cup uncooked popcorn
              salt/pepper to taste

Follow directions carefully. Preheat oven to 350º. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven. Listen for popping sounds.

When the chicken's ass blows the oven door open, it's done.

And you thought I couldn't cook!

Thanks Jane

Forest Gump was wrong ...

Life is not like a box of chocolates! It's like a jar of jalapenos. You never know when they're going to burn your ass.

The doctor told the wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarc. Not more than five minutes later, he heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a "massive internal fart."

The Dingleberry Dilemma
By Beth Goodtree

    Recently, I volunteered to keep an eye on a friend's teenager while she was away for the weekend. This entailed stopping by to bring over some food and making sure that no wild parties were being thrown. Who knew I was about to get a lesson in personal hygiene from a man who is younger than some of my girdles?

    After giving instructions on how to reheat the food, I went to use the bathroom. As I got off the toilet, I noticed a large amount of pubic hair in the toilet bowl. My initial thought was, "Damn! I knew getting older wasn't merely prune juice and Geritol - first I sprout hair on my toe knuckles, and now my crotch is going bald." Upon closer, if somewhat difficult inspection (I hadn't bent that far over in years!), I realized that my nether half was still well-carpeted.

    I finished up what I needed to do and went looking for Sam to find out what was going on. I put it to him bluntly, "Sam, what's with all the pubes floating around the toilet?"

    After a few moments hesitation, Sam admitted they were his. Being the nosy bitch that I am, and acting in loco parentis, I insisted that he tell me why his pubic hair was paddling around  in the pissoire. After a few awkward seconds, Sam told me that it was really his butt hair doing the backstroke in the bowl.

    "Why would you shave your butt hair? Does it stick through the spandex of your Speedo swim trunks, or do you just miss that baby-soft feel of a youthful caboose?"

    Sam was thoroughly embarrassed. My curiosity wouldn't let it rest. I did what any good parent would do when faced with an intractable teenager - I blackmailed him. I threatened to tell my son, who would then spread it all over the school. His butt would become the butt of town-wide adolescent ridicule.

    Under such pressure, Sam had no choice butt to tell me the truth. "It's cleaner that way," he admitted, somewhat abashed.

    "Cleaner?" I asked with a bit of skepticism, "Did you have to shampoo your butt hair on a daily basis before you decided to shave it?"

    "Not that kind of clean," Sam replied. "It's just that without butt hair, I don't have to worry about getting dingleberries."

Borrowing this from Helen - so handy for proper descriptive labeling, there's one in every group: bulldog mouth, puppy dog ass. And then we have the ever-popular, says-it-all, "Oh, I see ... obviously you are suffering from CRI" (cranial rectal inversion).

Count the sheep

Please help yourself, it works better in an e.

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear asked the rabbit if he had the problem of shit sticking to his fur.

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," said the rabbit.

So the bear wiped his ass with the rabbit.

Begin again, Buttments Two, the Sequel: http://www.therealmartha.com/buttments2/index.htm

Fear not, the three-quel is in the works - it's a doozie.

A very special butt - and much more - dedicated to all french weenies: http://www.therealmartha.com/frenchkiss/index.htm

Must see The Poopie List - http://shockeys.com/fun/poopie.htm
My fave - The Phantom: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but it disappears. And I hate it when this happens ... you've pulled your pants up and you realize that you have to poopie some more. Or, you're pulling up your pants and a spider drops in - that makes for some dang fancy dancin' - trust me, always check the ceiling.

 http://waltonfeed.com/old/out.html - from The Old Timer's pages, The Outhouse

Whale butt graphic swiped from the Comedy Zone: http://www.bcsdesign.com/comedyzone/spostoffice/greetingcards.html

Help! I need the Easter cutie with the baby butts painted like eggs. MarthaJones1@aol.com - thanks! Send whatever else appropriate too (~.*)

Rexanne to the rescue! Think I've seen it animated too if anyone has that version.

http://www.therealmartha.com/pooponbinnie/index.htm
Special duty - need I say more?

There will be more, I haven't found all of the stuff I have stashed (I think) yet - never know what'll set off something like this and what ya might need. Thanks to all who continue to support my miscomportment.

Speaking of ... da booties above were labeled Easter babas. I already used all the words I know, whadda y'all have? Hit it now before you forget: MarthaJones1@aol.com

More Beth, a little more me and a few other friends: http://www.therealmartha.com/Skewed_Views/index.htm - Skewed Views presented by The UnBlonde Sheep, poking holes while tending to the general shearing of BS

Have fun, send the page(s) around. Sorry, I don't use auto-senders - don't like my name ending up on mailing lists and neither does anyone else. Aolers, drag heart thingy in top right corner into e-mail or copy and paste URL: http://www.therealmartha.com/buttments/index.htm. Actually not a bad idea to do both, click-ons don't always work. Save in your faves too - never know who's going to need it, or what I may add. Find links to more variety pages and gawd knows what else below.

http://www.therealmartha.com/stress/index.htm - A different sort of stress relief page

http://www.therealmartha.com/manathome/index.htm - Bashers of course, and since the guys have been such good sports, I even threw in a few on us for them

http://www.therealmartha.com/man5/index.htm - Secret page referred to on first bashers - it does use that naughty f-word, still nothing vulgar

http://www.therealmartha.com/greenfridge/index.htm - Not the usual hints and tips (includes a free cookbook offer if you send a NOOM - new one on me)

http://www.therealmartha.com/Frogulations/index.htm - An oddball B-day greeting

http://www.therealmartha.com/Watchmy6/index.htm - SEAL pups? It's a cutie

http://www.therealmartha.com/LPNs/index.htm - Licensed practical noogiests, therapy angels of the four-legged, wet-nosed, sloppy-kissin' kind

http://www.therealmartha.com/BegRoyale/index.htm - The Beggar Royale and friends

http://www.therealmartha.com/Skewed_Views/index.htm - Skewed Views presented by The UnBlonde Sheep, poking holes while tending to the general shearing of BS

http://www.therealmartha.com/brightspots/index.htm - Wit and wisdom gathered from every day goings-on, special events, occasions, critters, friends ... real people what-have-yous - includes something for everyone, with special attention paid to the sneakin'-up-on-50 crowd

http://www.therealmartha.com/Granny_Greetings/index.htm - A collection of oldie-goldies, memories, original compositions and personal tributes, humor and happy tears

http://www.therealmartha.com/catchall/index.htm - Catch-all series begins, this, thats 'n' t'others

http://www.therealmartha.com/puppiesaresocu/index.htm - Printable page, "Puppies are so cute, but ... " and Spay/Neuter Myth Busting articles by Miss Liberty, ME (Mutt Extraordinaire)

http://www.therealmartha.com/Classyfiedlinks/index.htm - Links I like and the Classyfieds

The Whispering Activist Record (central link/update page) - http://www.therealmartha.com/WAR/index.htm - Opinions and ideas, mine and from others, that everyone can use to get involved, make a difference and lighten the load. Find hoax busters, media hype alerts, timely info, controversy, common sense, commiseration, empathy, household tips, easy recipes, critter stuff, variety links, and a little humor along the way.

www.TheRealMartha.com - Not for fans of the UnRealMartha

Queen C's Can-tagious Can Cuisine - http://members.aol.com/AltMartha/easyrecipes.index.html
Diary of a Mad Politically Incorrect Cook - http://members.aol.com/MsAtte2ude/diarymadpicook.index.html
Bubba Gourmet - http://members.aol.com/AltMartha/BubbaGourmet.index.html
Side Introduction to Vittles on the Go, part 1 - http://members.aol.com/MsAtte2ude/sideintro.index.html Vittles on the Go (Halloween pages start) - http://therealmartha.com/fd16hallo/index.htm
Feeder's Digest - http://members.aol.com/MsAtte2ude/FDintro.index.html   

and ...

Grand Opening at the new place - http://therealmartha.home.mindspring.com/

Most recent site index - http://www.therealmartha.com/indexgraphiccr/default.htm - recipes by title and more including humor, critter stuff and just plain out there in some cases

Original pages - http://members.aol.com/AltMartha/Siteindex.index.html - With apologies in advance for limitations, typos and other buggies that I might get around to fixing when I have time for the pain that it is since that publisher was confiscated.

When words fail ... custom orders available!

http://www.therealmartha.com/knowhorsesass/index.htm

Comments/suggestions/ideas/questions: MarthaJones1@aol.com

Please use a clearly defined subject line. Due to junk volume/virus threats, unknowns will be deleted. E-vaporations are also an ongoing problem, if I don't reply in a few days, please try again. Thanks!

It takes a lot of shit to grow a rose.

I do try to remember that when it's piling up all around. I've shoveled more than my share in print and while the thought of changing a diaper curls my toes, I truly love the aroma of horse shit (fond memories jogger). Shoveled a ton of it too. Great exercise, as well as is doggie duty (couldn't resist). Scooped many a poop for a paycheck and now it's the perfect way, thereafter, to indulge in puppy squeezes and heart-to-hearts with the older dogs at the shelter where I volunteer.