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It's

Up Close and Personal

with

Web Celebs

Sponsored by Queen Can-ivore's Feeder's Digest

Real easy recipes for real busy, real people

www.TheRealMartha.com

TheRealMartha@Mindspring.com

What fuels the humorist's mind?

Drugs, lots of Cafe Bustelo espresso and the fluoride in the drinking water where I grew up.

Introduce yourself please.

Hi, I'm Mad Dog.

Every guy I've ever known has had a specialty, when you're alone and/or for a date.

Can't say as I do. I cook a lot and cook all styles. My brother and his wife insist I make them a Caesar salad every other day when I visit them. Others want my homemade pasta. If I'm alone it can be anything. For a date it doesn't matter, as long as I don't wear anything under the pink frilly apron while cooking.

Are you sure you want me to include your link? Kinda iffy that frilly apron ...

Of course you should link me! (And no, that's not the same as chaining me to the bed.)

Now, back to the pasta. This I must hear about.

Piece of cake if you have a Cuisinart and a pasta rolling machine. Put 1½ cups of flour in the Cuisinart. Add a couple of pinches of salt, about a teaspoon of cold water and one egg. Turn it on high until it's blended. Then add a second egg and do it again. The dough should pull away from the sides (though it could be a touch sticky still depending on the humidity and the water content of the flour). It should be pretty stiff, but not "hard." Take it out and put it on a lightly floured surface and knead it for a few minutes until it's nice and smooth. It will be pretty stiff (compared to bread dough). Add sprinkles of flour if you need to. Of course if you need it, add sprinkles of water instead. Let the dough sit for about 10 minutes. Cut into three pieces, lightly flour the surface, flatten by hand, and put through the pastas rollers per the instructions that come with the pasta maker, progressively rolling it thinner until it's the thickness you want. Then put it through the pasta cutter attachment and cook right away for about 4 minutes.

It's easier than it sounds.

Oh yeah. This makes pasta for two people

Maybe you should write a cookbook.

I started to about 15 years ago. Had a publisher *this* close to doing it, then they backed out and I lost interest.

Your thoughts/tips on grocery shopping?

1. Never shop on a full stomach or with a full wallet.
2. Don't buy more than you can carry in one trip.
3. Stay away from green meat and limes that smell like your ex.
4. Go to Costco. Even if you don't buy anything you can eat lunch by sampling.

Martha Stewart is .... ?

The antichrist.

Food/sex - what's the connection?

They both taste good?

Care to share your grilling secrets?

No.

What kind of food did you like as a kid - the brain cell formative years, or of course in your case, the malformative?

I've never been a picky eater. Now I eat virtually anything (except brains, thank you). Though there were things I didn't much like as a kid but learned to like. One thing I ate as a kid was a lot. Pig, pig, pig. Luckily I wised up in late high school and lost 25 pounds.

What's the weirdest combo you ever concocted?

Probably sweet and sour spaghetti sauce. It sucked. Don't know what I was thinking except I guess the drugs were stronger than I thought.

Usual midnight munchie?

A teaspoonful  of crunchy natural peanut butter? (And if for some reason there are chocolate chips around, stick a few of them in it.)

Breakfast? Don't say cold pizza!

I can't eat until about an hour after I get up. Generally it's along the lines of half a bagel and cream cheese (or an English muffin with Golden Shred marmalade) and a little bit of canteloupe. Or something similar.

Favorite ice cream topping, ice cream flavor too?

No topping. Ben and Jerry's is the stuff. General fave is Coffee Heath Bar Crunch, though any "non-sweet" one will do. Not into chocolate much.

What do the ladies in your lives like to cook for you?

Thanks. Make me feel bad because there aren't any ladies in my life right now. *sniff*

Ever been asked to "bring something" for a family or office gathering?

Hell, they don't even invite me.

Are you allowed at the holiday table?

I'm a freelancer. What's a holiday?

What's the strangest utensil (or vessel) you've ever used for cooking or eating?

A screwdriver as a pot stirrer. Hey, they didn't have anything else.

Do you normally have to wash just your shirt or the whole ensemble after a meal? Damage done during cooking or eating?

I'm a pretty neat eater by and large. Though I do have to scrub the floor and relaminate the table top.

Worst kitchen catastrophe you ever caused?

Smoke damage on the ceiling. Never go out for a run with food in the broiler.

#

Mad Dog has been writing a weekly humor column, "Doing It Doggy Style," since 1995. It's appeared in newspapers across the country including the San Francisco Chronicle, Chicago Tribune, New York Daily News, Boston Phoenix, and San Francisco Examiner as well as being heard on the Pacifica Radio Network. His popular website, www.maddogproductions.com, features many of his columns as well as a series of games including the Plot-o-matic, the fun way to create a movie plot. His first novel, "Skywriting at Night," is available from Xlibris. "Stand Tall," the autobiography he co-wrote with Dr. Isaiah "Ike" McKinnon, former Detroit police chief, will be published in the spring of 2001 by Sleeping Bear Press. MD has also written advertising, spent four years as a radio air personality, sold candles on the streets of New York City, created and marketed a series of novelty gift items including Earl the Dead Cat and the Silent Vigil Foam Rubber Wind Chimes, produced records, was a cable show host, voice-over talent and even acted in TV commercials. How well is still up for debate.

What fuels the woogly mind?

Woogly thoughts!

Please identify yourself.

Uncle Aussie is a 47-year-old Web diva, hippopotamus goddess, someone who is vast in both size and scope; loves art, food, kiddy cartoons and comedies.

What cooks ... your favorite(s), a specialty? When you're alone and/or for a date?

I am a meat snob. I reeeeeeally like a filet mignon, passed thru a flame for about 2 seconds. If I can get a man to pay for it, even mo' better.

What foods did you like as a kid?

My idea of heaven was fried shrimp - or even better, those huge stuffed shrimp. Also everything else that wasn't tied down, washed down with Dr. Pepper. I used to wander into the little cafes around downtown Galveston as a kid and have lunches, and it made me feel so grown up! Going to a restaurant still makes me feel grown up!

Weirdest combo concoction?

Ugh, we made a cake and used this powdered fruit punch mix to flavor the frosting. It was awful! I also like rice cakes with cottage cheese - I think of it as "lumpy white things with lumpy white stuff on top." I had a biker lover who introduced me to Tater Tots and Pork'n'Beans casserole. It was surprisingly tasty.

Usual midnight munchie?

Bowl of cereal, 3 am.

Breakfast?

Anything but eggs. There's a character in a Wodehouse story who comes down to breakfast one day, says "Eggs! Eggs! Damn all eggs!" and rushes from the house, never to be seen by his family again. My problem stems from a time in my high school years when my father was trying to perfect the omelet, and cooked them every day for about a month.

Favorite ice cream topping and ice cream flavor?

I like ice cream with milk - an unmixed milkshake. Blue Bell Tin Roof or Ben & Jerry's Jerry's Jubilee is at the top of my hit parade.

What do the men in your life like to cook for you?

Bubba* makes brisket ala vinegar and cooked to a cinder, or his famous turkey stuffed with weird crap like peanuts, pineapple and shrimp.

Ever been asked to "bring something" for a family or office gathering?

I was asked to bring cornbread dressing to an office Thanksgiving dinner, and those queen bees didn't like it so much that they sent somebody out to buy sage and butter and totally remade it in the office microwave!

What's the strangest utensil (or vessel) you've ever used for cooking or eating?

Well, I used to get yogurt out of a vending machine at work with no spoon. That's always interesting. A thumb is not a good spoon. When alone, I like to use scissors on a steak. I think someone should invent proper table scissors.

Do you normally have to wash just your blouse/shirt or the whole ensemble after a meal? Damage done during cooking or eating?

My ample bosom gives me a "shelf" which it is impossible to not drip on. I find that wearing a white shirt automatically makes me hungry for Mexican food, so the first thing I always do is go out to Andy's and splatter it with salsa. I no longer worry about it, I just wear my lunch.

Worst kitchen harm you've caused?

Started a fire in a high-rise apartment by leaving the waffle iron on (I unplugged the toaster instead). The whole 20-story building stank of smoke for a month.

Please identify the weapons used during most memorable food fight. Wedding cake doesn't count.

We had butter wars in my childhood, but it wasn't us fighting each other, it was The Butter versus Us. We kept it on a saucer at room temperature, and it was always getting loose and jumping onto people's sleeves, and then leaping onto everything else that they touched. Butter is very sneaky that way. We were all very paranoid about the Butter taking over.

Ever cooked/eaten an endangered species?

I had turtle soup at Brennan's last week, but I think it was common Louisiana swamp turtle.

Are you ever going to tell why about the Uncle thing?

It's a long damn story. I just give people the URL:
http://www.moonmilk.com/aussie/62896.htm

#

Aussie, www.woogly.com, publishes a daily column, "Out of My Mind into Yours." She has been prattling away on the WWW on a daily basis since 1995.

 
What fuels the redneck/Bubba*? (I hesitate to say mind.)

Cheeseburgers

Introduce yourself please.

Sometimes ya feel like a Bubba, sometimes ya feel like a duck.

Your specialty?

Sketti

Food you liked as a kid?

Bologna

Weirdest creation?

Making gravy ... used Bisquick ... made a very, very large pancake.

Usual midnight munchie?

Cereal

Favorite ice cream topping? Flavor ice cream too.

Chocolate, chocolate, chocolate

What do the ladies in your life like to cook for you?

Cheeseburgers

Ever been asked to "bring something" to a gathering? Are you allowed at the holiday table?

Yes of course ... I have a good deli.

Strangest utensil (or vessel) used for cooking or eating?

Cooked in a coffee pot.

Do you normally have to wash just your shirt after a meal?

Usually just shower with clothes on ... handles it all that way.

Worst kitchen loss?

It was just a small fire ... OK ... don't push it.

Weapons in last food fight?

Whipped cream

Ever cooked/eaten anything resembling a dog "package"? Describe.

Yes in, Mexico ... tasted like chicken.

Endangered species?

White males

Fond memories of food from the past? School, service ... Some guys like SOS.

Most fond of SOS ... made with hamburger.

Food/sex - what's the connection?

There's a connection?? Well, chocolate does things to me.

Care to share your grilling secrets?

Easy ... just burn everything.

#

J.W., a.k.a. Bubba* Duck, Wildduck Publishing, is responsible for The Flamingo Times Weekly Newsletter, Southern Humor and Recipes, subscribers only: flamingotimes-subscribe@topica.com    http://members.wbs.net/homepages/j/w/h/jwhanley/ft.htm - The Times http://members.ebay.com/aboutme/jwhanley@mindspring.com/ - E-Bay antique offerings. JW is also a photographer, "Most all types; specialist in black and white ... very good at portraits as well ... prefer old-fashioned techniques." Also applies himself to general commercial, including aerial and industrial assignments - http://members.wbs.net/homepages/j/w/h/jwhanley/jw.htm   - more about JW, including a few fave pics.

What fuels the Mom of the World's mind?

M&Ms ... peanut, the usual midnight munchie ;-)

Introduce yourself please.

Oh hi! I'm Rexanne, a weird and wacky mom of two who loves to spew forth parenting advice like Vesuvius. I used to be a pretty fine cook until the wind was vacuumed from my sails. In other words, I made one too many divine dinners without enough gratitude to fuel the flames of creativity! Now, I rely on quick and easy. Long live Queen Can-ivore!

Breakfast? Don't say cold pizza!

Yuck! Don't do the morning imbibe at all. I do not function without a latte, however. Espresso is my drug of choice.

Favorite flavor ice cream and topping?

Toppings don't work for me but I love Rocky Road.

Food/sex - what's the connection?

Is there any doubt here? They're both necessary for survival!

What foods did you like as a kid?

Uhmmmm ... Frosted Flakes ranked right up there as one of the top contenders. I would have to say Twinkies were a very close second. All that fantasy aside, I was raised by a holistic doctor (my father) who fed us health foods, raw milk and wheat germ. We were allowed one Hershey bar with almonds every six months. Oh, and a handful of Good & Plenty if we were at a drive-in movie.

Weirdest combo blend?

Geeze, would have to be pasta of some sort. I had a real Brie habit going when I was younger and single. Made a pretty tasty bowl of spaghetti one night with leftover Brie, melted. Added some green onions, a little butter and a touch of cream to move it all around some. Yummy! Unfortunately, I was the only one who appreciated the invention. Some people don't know a good concoction when they eat it!

What do/does the men/man in your life like to cook for you?

HA! HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA!!!!! Steak ...

What about "bring somethings" and are you allowed at the holiday table?

Always. It's usually a plea for my famous pasta salad. Yes, I'm allowed at the holiday table. Considering I usually cook the whole dang meal, I have earned that right.

Strangest cooking/eating utensil (or vessel)?

Oh, this one's good ... The early morning hours after the big Los Angeles earthquake were quite difficult. I was 8-months pregnant and desperate for coffee. Any kind at that point considering I was sure labor had begun. There was no electricity and it was still dark outside so my husband (good Neanderthal that he was) foraged the building for instant coffee, propped a pan of water over a candle he had mounted inside a mug and heated water for that pretty disgusting cup of lifesaving java.

Do you normally have to wash just your blouse/shirt or the whole ensemble after a meal? Damage done during cooking or eating?

I'm a mess after cooking but manage to stay pretty clean during the meal unless it involves tomato sauce. After a bout with that stuff, I usually just throw the splattered garment away. No sense slaving over stains that were never destined to be removed anyway.

Cooking catastrophe(s) you've caused?

*Sheepish grin* ... Was left in charge of starting a barbecue at the lake once. I didn't dare tell them I had never seen a barbecue in my life, let alone started one. How hard could it be, right?! My unsuspecting boyfriend and his (really cute) cousin went fishing while I was left to graciously soak in the very cool, claw-footed bath tub in the very primitive log cabin we were staying at. So, at precisely 6 p.m., I dumped a whole, big bag of coals in the pit and soaked it mercilessly with lighter fluid. Mama Mia! That log cabin was two inches from cremation when lo and behold ... I spotted my two fish hunters sprinting up the hill from the lake, panic in their eyes and shouting something I can't repeat here. LOL! I happened to think it was hilarious. They didn't. I'm sure wherever they are at this moment in time, they think it's funny now!

Weapons used during most memorable food fight?

This is gross ... the day before we replaced our really horrible looking carpet, I let my daughters have a food fight in the living room with a few of their braver friends. We covered the furniture and donned whipped cream (in cans) eggs, pudding, Jell-O and applesauce. Oh my God! I will never do that again! We ended up having to throw away all of the clothes we were wearing because the smell of rotten eggs and milk (I let them sit in a plastic bag for 24 hours before laundry day) was uneraseable! We did have a blast, though. The kids still talk about it ...

Ever cooked/eaten anything resembling a dog "package"?

Yeah, at some obscure little Indian restaurant in the south of France ... ;-)

Endangered species? I was afraid of that ... no, I'm still alive ... Oh! Have I ever eaten an endangered species? Why in God's name would I do that?

Your thoughts/tips on grocery shopping?

Get it done as fast as you can. Make a list and remember it even if you have to staple it to your forehead. See ya in produce!

Martha Stewart is ...

Fiction at its finest.

#

Subscribe to Rexanne's Web Review, subscribe-rwr@rexanne.com, Websites and Insights, Parent and Kid links - all very educational and/or fun. Her holiday pages, found at www.Rexanne.com, are as completely complete and more as you'll find anywhere. Rexanne's Views on Parenting is a refreshing, unique voice that makes real sense. Rexanne is also making my new page announcements ... because I am not ready to face the list monster. She always has the very latest on what's going on around here every day.

What fuels the artist's mind?

Introduce yourself please.

Hi, I'm Rina, Martha's pal since high school. I am a single parent with two girls in college, a dog, a mortgage and a job. I do 'toons on the side - Caricatures by Rina. (That's the artist under the car, me at the wheel.)

So what cooks these days? Alone or for romantic/family occasions? As I recall, your fried chicken was pretty good when we were roomies. Never mind what Bob had to say - picky, picky.

I only cook for myself because I have no life right now. Actually, my kids (when they're home) won't eat anything that corresponds to healthy. So, I must admit I do a lot of restaurant eating. I do like veggie burger grilling. I vaguely remember cooking something else a few months back, but ...

Food/sex - what's the connection?

Vaguely remember that too ...

Favorite ice cream topping - flavor too?

Has to be vanilla with crumbled Heath Bar mixed in OR vanilla with either hot fudge or caramel topping. Also love that Girl Scout thin mint ice cream. And no, I am not fat!

What do/does the men/man/whoever in your life like to cook for you?

The only man in my life presently is my 81-year-old dad. He buys me diet coke when it's on sale.

What did you like as a kid?

My mom was a '50s cook - TV dinners, complete with TV trays. I do remember loving spaghetti. I think my dad made it.

Least favorite food, then/now?

Then - meatloaf. It was hard as a rock. (My mother cooked it.) I threw it behind the washing machine when no one was looking and it didn't even attract bugs! Now my least favorite food is shellfish - allergic, unfortunately.

Food trauma(s)/phobia(s)?

Got drunk once in high school on sloe gin after eating beenie-weenies. Remember that, Martha? (Several of those events will live in infamy - can't even look at Gatorade without thinking about our brilliant reasoning that it'd get the booze working faster.)

Memorable/current diets/heath regimen(s)?

I have tried the cabbage soup diet, the high protein diet, and Weight Watchers diet. I am only 5-foot tall, so 10 pounds on me is too much. Now I am successfully losing on the don't-eat-so-much diet. And I work out five times a week. I've been doing that for 18 years.

Adult lifetime dress size range?

In high school I was a one. Now I am a four. When I was pregnant I was wearing tents. Contrary to the books I read, you do not lose 20 pounds in childbirth. If your baby weighs 7 pounds, that's all you lose. I should have sued that author.

Weirdest combo you ever concocted?

Green beans on toast. Hey - it's good!

Other people's comments/complaints about your cooking/eating habits?

My kids don't want me to cook and my ex wanted me to cook all the time. Now, I just cook when I am feeling nostalgic or bored.

Usual midnight munchie?

If I wake up starving, it is cereal. Puts me to sleep.

Breakfast?

At the local restaurant/bar with the best breakfast, it's a build-your-own scramble with two eggs, spinach, mushroom, artichoke hearts and spuds. Yum.

Ever been asked to "bring something" for a family or office gathering?

Family - nope - parents eat out. Office - I am the one who brings the chips.

Are you allowed at the holiday table?

No kidding, we eat at a restaurant, usually a cafeteria-style place where the old people gum their food and there isn't a spice in sight. My parents love it and my kids are used to it.

Do you normally have to wash just your blouse/shirt or the whole ensemble after a meal?

It's Mexican restaurants that get me - always leave with salsa on me somewhere. Might be the Margaritas that confuse my coordination :)

Kitchen catastrophe(s) ?

In my first marriage (don't ask), I left the oven on and the broiler pan was smoking. I grabbed it with some old oven mitts and couldn't get it out the door before my hands were burning. So, I dropped it on the carpet. Thank God for homeowner's insurance.

Please identify the weapons used during most memorable food fight.

I have never had a food fight. Is that significant?

Ever cooked/eaten anything resembling a dog "package"? Describe.

Huh? I guess that meatloaf my mom made.

Endangered/odd species?

My dad was a mailman in a very ethnic neighborhood. One Christmas he received a can of chocolate covered ants and a can of pickled octopus. I had my friends over ...

Your thoughts/tips on grocery shopping?

Of course, never go when you are hungry and always follow a list. And, remember, the free cookies in the bakery are just for kids, but no one will stop you if you take one.

Martha Stewart is ...

Unreal. Who has the time, money or desire to do those things? No wonder she is divorced.

#

Rina and I have been friends forever. Even after we hadn't seen each other for about 15 years, a recent reunion proved nothing ever changes. Especially "bonding" - our birthdays are exactly one month apart. Many moons ago I sent a perfectly lovely card (the cover) ... inside, to the the tune of nyah, nyah: "I'm younger than you." I have still not been able to beat the return, "People who make classless remarks ... ," opening to "Why bother to kick a dead horse anyway." The oldies are the goldies.

>

What fuels the techy tipster's mind?

Introduce yourself please.

Um...I thought you knew me, you invited me to the table. Okay,tter known as Boogie Jack. What's

Introduce yourself please.

Um ... I thought you knew me, you invited me to the table. Okay, I'm Dennis Gaskill, but hardly anyone knows me by that name. I'm better known as Boogie Jack. What's that blank look on your face? Hey, Boogie Jack is almost close to being a semi-well-known-near-somebody. At least that's what a fortune cookie told me, and those things are never wrong you know.

Actually, I own Boogie Jack's Web Depot, a reasonably popular webmasters resource site. I also publish a couple ezines and have a book on web site design coming out in early 2001 (Update: It's out, raking in rave reviews, more info/order on site.). My site is at http://www.boogiejack.com - check it out, there's something for everyone there, including non-webmasters. There are more than 500 pages of original content.

My readers want to know what cooks, your favorite(s)? When you're alone and/or for a date/husband? When you're alone or for hubby (romantic/family)? OK to tell tales on exes.

Well, I don't date because I earn my living from the Internet, and I don't have a husband. I do have a wife though, but hey, I'm not accusing you of asking biased questions or anything. Anyway, my wife Alison doesn't like most things I cook. I tend to make things too spicy for her. She does like my baked beans though. It's about the only thing anyone asks me to make, but they are pretty good.

Food/sex - what's the connection?

I like them both, but I never have sex with food. I prefer my wife's company for that.

Favorite ice cream topping, ice cream flavor too?

Here's where I get accused of being boring. my favorite ice cream anything is Breyers Vanilla Ice Cream (with real vanilla bean specks!) in a glass with milk. The milk makes it crystallize a lot and it's as close to homemade ice cream as you can get without actually making it.

What do/does the men/man/whoever in your life like to cook for you?

There you go again ... My wife (Alison) doesn't like to cook for me, she likes to cook for an army so there's always plenty left over for the dog, Rottenhead. I can't tell you what she likes to cook, most of it doesn't have names. Toss in some of this, a little of that, what's this over here ... it usually comes out pretty good though, whatever it is.

What kind of food did you like as a kid - the brain cell formative years, or as the case may be, the malformative?

Bing candy bars! They don't sell them here but I recently found their web site (www.palmercandy.com) and ordered a box. I'm in Bing Heaven now. They are chocolate and ground peanuts on the outside, with a cherry mash on the inside. Mmm...mmmm good. I do suspect that the quantities I consumed them in, has led to my lack of a significant attention span. I have a hard time concentrating on the same thing for very long. As I was telling my wife just the other day, if the hamburgers are too well done, um, then my shoelace broke so the uh, dog got a rabies shot because who wants the TV shedding hair every time you forget to turn the lights off in the piano. I meant it too.

Least favorite food, then/now?

Then, seafood. Now, seafood. Hey, I'm consistent.

Food trauma(s)/phobia(s)?

I've always been afraid of eating 6-month-old meat, no matter what color it has turned.

Memorable/current diets/health regimen(s)?

I've never been on a diet in my life, never had too. It's my "inner beauty" that counts :o)

Adult lifetime dress size range?

I resent that question. You're like that guy on TV that asks all those leading questions that presuppose something to be true when it isn't. I've never found a dress that would last a lifetime, I'm rough on clothing ... but if I did - I WOULDN'T WEAR IT!!!

What's the weirdest combo you ever concocted?

Hmm ... good question. I'm not very adventurous when it comes to food. I suppose that Brussels sprout and liver sandwich would rank right up there. Or maybe the oak leaf and tin foil salad with Maalox dressing would be considered weird.

Other people's comments/complaints about your cooking/eating habits?

About the only comments I hear is that I cook too spicy, and folks wonder if there's anything I DON'T put pepper on. For the record, there are two things, ice cream and Bing candy bars.

Usual midnight munchie?

Can't you guess ... ice cream as described above. I wonder if that's why a dream of cows a lot?

Breakfast? Don't say cold pizza!

I usually skip breakfast ... yeah, yeah, I know, don't lecture me...but I'm never hungry when I get up. Usually just some coffee and dig into work. Then I eat an early lunch.

Ever been asked to "bring something" for a family or office gathering?

It's always my secret recipe baked beans. They are the best.

Are you allowed at the holiday table?

But of course, what do you think I am, an animal? Having said that, I usually eat on the couch in front of the TV. It's about the only television watching I do.

What's the strangest utensil (or vessel) you've ever used for cooking or eating?

I once baked a casserole in a cows skull that was left behind when we moved into a house we'd bought. Nobody had the guts to try it, including me. Okay, I'm just kidding. I guess the strangest thing would be eating (drinking) soup through a straw.

Do you normally have to wash just your blouse/shirt or the whole ensemble after a meal? Damage done during cooking or eating?

Another trick question, presupposing guilt! You're good. I never have to do that, I just wait until the end of the year and wash everything at once. Of course, you have to be careful when you do that. For some reason the police don't like you sitting around the Laundromat naked.

Kitchen catastrophe(s) you've caused?

My sister Sue once flicked a spoonful of potato salad at me in her kitchen. I jumped back out of the way and hit a shelf with cups hanging from it and broke a bunch of them. My mom jumps up to see what's going on (we were all adults) and I told her I was just getting out of the way because Sue flung potato salad at me. Sue denied it, saying she'd never do something like that and mom believed her. Then my mom's dog Lucky came around the corner ... with a big dollop of potato salad right in the middle of her forehead. Busted!

Please identify the weapons used during more memorable food fight? Wedding cake doesn't count.

You know, other than the famous potato salad incident and wedding cake, I've never been in a food fight. Anybody wanna try me?

Endangered species?

As a matter of fact, I am. Nice of you to recognize that.

Your thoughts/tips on grocery shopping?

Never go grocery shopping with my wife. She wanders back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. I like to take a direct trip stopping in each section only once. The grocery store isn't where I like to spend my time.

Martha Stewart is ...

Warm and kind, silly and funny, wonderful, witty and charming, and has replaced my original comments with her own words.

Significant other's comment(s)?

My husband is the most wonderful man on earth. I worship and adore him. He's probably the smartest, most handsome, creative, ingenious, loving, kind, generous, superlative human being ever to grace the face of the earth and everyone in the world should fall at his feet in adoration.

Well, that's what she would have written if she wasn't sleeping. ;-)

What's your specialty.

My specialty is ... oh, I just can't say. Men everywhere would be bitter with envy. I don't want to ruin their lives. Sorry.

y.
---#

"Booj," for all that he sounds like a certifiable nut, really is quite tuned in to all that is html. His ezines are packed with tips and an excellent variety of recreational content, not necessarily computer-related. And if you're looking for A+ graphics, his site is the place to go. He also just happens to be an all-around nice guy. He took the news that his beloved vanilla specks were only the flavorless residue of the bean (companies put them in just for show, to prove that they used real beans and not artificial flavor) like a gentleman too. "LOL - but you know what they say, the visual appeal affects the
perceived flavor of food. Okay, maybe "they" didn't say that, but I did."
but I do!

What fuels the Fed. Bubba*'s mind?

Beans, meat and potatoes

Identify yourself please, and your friend.

Mike, old hippie musician (keyboards), kicked back for a snooze with little Bubba (Buster).

Favorite flavor ice cream and topping?

Chocolate sauce on cherry ice cream.

Buster's?

No ice cream for him, but he has convinced us that he will die if he doesn't have at least one bite of my dinner.

Weirdest custom blend?

Cherry and lime juice, vanilla (extract) and Dr. Pepper with chocolate ice cream - wasn't bad.

Least favorite food, as a kid/now?

Liver (any kind)

Food trauma(s)/phobia(s)?

Liver (any kind)

Usual midnight munchie?

Jello and pudding

Breakfast?

Heart attack on a plate - two eggs with cheese, bacon and pancakes.

Ever been asked to "bring something" for a family or office gathering?

Yup, I buy a pie on the way in.

Strangest utensil (or vessel) ever used for cooking or eating?

Cut-out can lid for a food scoop.

Do you normally have to wash just your shirt or the whole ensemble after a meal?

I'm pretty good but have ruined the whole ensemble at times.

Other people's comments/complaints about your cooking/eating habits?

They always loved mine because I only do the sure things, usually barbecue.

Any grilling secrets you care to share?

Smoke 'um a long time with the right wood (I like Mesquite) and rub.

Kitchen catastrophe(s) you've caused?

Food fights

Weapons used?

Spoon launcher and straw blasters

Ever cooked/eaten anything resembling a dog "lawn ornament"?

Some refried beans on occasion.

Endangered species?

Just duck ... I hated duck.

Fond memories from school/service?

Yup, SOS for sure.

Your thoughts/tips on grocery shopping?

Try to do it as little as possible.

Martha Stewart is ... ?

Without a doubt, beyond belief. No one could ever pull off what she seems to be able to do. TV woman made up in Hollywood.

#

Mike, also known affectionately as Bubba*, is The Real Martha's chief, usually willing guinea pig, Kitche-Cam photog, electronics wiz (enabler) and prototypal, yet temperate, proven inexhaustible source of exasperation. The fact that Uncle Sammy signs his pay checks should not be held against him. Even though Mike doesn't have a site, mainly because I keep him too busy facilitating mine, I could not resist the opportunity to shoot his invaluable inquiry input back at him. Buster however, took to page construction right away - Toot Toot from Buster da Dude - Boston terriers are renowned (notorious) - More Tooters - for their malod ... uh ... melodic proficiency. My guys are quite the tuneful team, regularly regaling me with after-dinner concertizing.

to

all

for

outstanding good sportiness.

I hope you, dear audience, enjoyed the chats as much as I did. Have no idea who may turn up next - could be the man in the moon.

Reader suggestions and questions are most welcome. I'll slap 'em on right here.

That was great. :-) I really enjoyed it. Now I know if I am in a bind, I can use a screwdriver for cooking. DH

Loved the pic of Mike and Buster. JLW

Hey---waaaay tooo cool----just stopped by for a quick look as it is almost midnight---and I must go to work tomorrow. Loved the graphics---really looks beautiful. Can't wait to read the interviews--you done good. Rexanne must be a pistol---imagine a food fight for her kids in her own house!!!!!!!!!!! (And---getting a look at Bubba--the ultimate celeb--after all this time!!!!!) LB

Just read Uncle Aussie's page. Too funny. RM

That JW is crazy! BV

Say, that's a cool page, and surprisingly readable - I enjoyed everybody's. KC

Sparkling! Inter-lectually stimulating too. JGH

Nice job on the graphics. Looks as good as a lot of pro sites. MA

or else!

TheRealMartha@Mindspring.com or MsAtte2ude@aol.com

You are also welcome to leave an autograph in guestbook - Guest Comment Options ... if you happen to catch the odd on-duty occurrences.

or

This will be

Stay tuned!

Receive new features, pages and additions notification, red hot off the wire ... send a blank e-mail with specific request in subject line.

SendNewPage@aol.com

TheRealMartha@Mindspring.com

That's as close as it gets to a mailing list for now.

Don't miss the first in the interview series

with

the staff of the Comedy Zone.

Fall Catch All

(near end of page)

All y'all are cordially invited to zip on over to the

Index.

Cruise and peruse a rather huge selection

of

real easy recipes for real busy,

real people.

You'll find a standing offer for a free copy

of

"Holiday Lifestyles of Culinarily Inept"

in reward for submissions of NOOMs, new ones (hints, tips) on me; deal limited to one per snail mail or e-mail addy.

Simply superb stocking stuffers @ $6. each or 3 copies for $15., includes postage to one address.

I am also particularly inclined to throw in a free book with orders that include contributions of outstanding Less-than-Fiver (ingredient) recipes.

Don't just stand there!

Print the Order Form now ... (or you might forget).

New pages!

Skewed Views
Presented by The UnBlonde Sheep™ - poking holes while tending to the general shearing of BS

Classy-fieds, Links I like and more

Granny Greetings
A collection of oldie-goldies, memories, original compositions and personal tributes, humor and happy tears

Bright Spots
Wit and wisdom gathered from every day goings on, special events, occasions, friends ... real people what-have-yous - includes something for everyone, with special attention paid to the sneakin'-up-on-50 crowd

Please be advised any errors contained within are intentional. I strive to offer something for everyone, including those who enjoy looking for mistakes. No kidding though, if (when) you spot a typo, thanks in advance for the cognize. 

Lookee here ... The nice folks at www.celebrityhowto.com say I are one - featured "True Confessions" in a recent newsletter.

http://www.celebrityhowto.com/MarthaJones.html

Alrighty then,

Ta Ta for now ... come back soon, more's on the way.

*Cast of Bubbas: Aussie and I both have roomies we call Bubba. It's a Texas thang. Bubba Duck is a native, though transplanted, Texan.

#

Grab terrific artistry for yourself

at

www.fullmoongraphics.com

Queen Can-ivore and Bubba Duck are courtesy of

Caricatures by Rina

The Real Martha, real pic is below - most likely won't shatter your screen.

l

l

l

V