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"That's one of my best guesses - Larry never goes into much, if any, detail about the pictures he sends. I don't think I'll be able to get the names of any of the photographers. Larry said they were taken by lots of different people. He also said they have all been declassified, so there should be no publishing problems. He also said he wants the world to see what they are doing over there."

Watch for more, all contributions welcome. Please see mail notes at the bottom of page.

1. Buy a dumpster, paint it haze gray and live in it for six months straight.

2. Run all of the piping and wires inside your house on the outside of the walls.

3. Pump 10 inches of nasty, crappy water into your basement, then pump it out, clean up and paint the basement "deck gray."

4. Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the scummiest part of town, find the most run down, trashy bar you can, pay $10 per beer until you're hammered, then walk home in the freezing cold.

5. Perform a weekly disassembly and inspection of your lawnmower.

6. On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays turn your water temperature up to 200 degrees, then on Tuesday and Thursday turn it down to 10 degrees. On Saturdays, and Sundays declare to your entire family that they used too much water during the week, so all showering is secured.

7. Raise your bed to within six inches of the ceiling.

8. Have your next door neighbor come over each day at 5 a.m. and blow a whistle so loud that Helen Keller could hear it and shout, "Reveille, all hands heave out and trice up."

9. Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the following day, then have her make you stand in the back yard at 6 a.m. and read it to you.

10. Eat the raunchiest Mexican food you can find for three days straight, then lock yourself out of the bathroom for 12 hours, and hang a sign on the door that reads "Secured-contact OA division at X-3053."

11. Submit a request form to your father-in-law, asking if it's OK for you to leave your house before 3 p.m.

12. Invite 200 of your not-so-closest friends to come over, then board up all the windows and doors to your house for six months. After the six months is up, take down the boards, wave at your friends and family through the front window of your home ... you can't leave until the next day - you have duty.

13. Shower with above-mentioned friends.

14. Make your family qualify to operate all the appliances in your home (i.e. dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.).

15. Walk around your car for four hours checking the tire pressure every 15 minutes.

16. Sit in your car and let it run for four hours before going anywhere. This is to ensure your engine is properly "lighted off."

17. Empty all the garbage bins in your house, and sweep your driveway three times a day, whether they need it or not. (Now sweepers, start your brooms, clean sweep down fore and aft, empty all cans over the fantail)

18. Repaint your entire house once a month.

19. Cook all of your food blindfolded, groping for any spice and seasoning you can get your hands on.

20. Use 18 scoops of budget coffee grounds per pot, and allow each pot to sit five hours before drinking.

21. Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your magazines, and randomly lose every fifth item.

22. Spend $20,000 on a satellite system for your TV, but only watch CNN and the Weather Channel.

23. Avoid watching TV with the exception of movies which are played in the middle of the night. Have the family vote on which movie to watch and then show a different one.

24. Have your 5-year-old cousin give you a haircut with goat shears.

25. Sew back pockets to the front of your pants.

26. Spend two weeks in the red-light districts of Europe, and call it "world travel."

27. Attempt to spend five years working at McDonalds, and not get promoted.

28. Ensure that any promotions you do get are from stepping on the dead bodies of your coworkers.

29. Needle gun the aluminum siding on your house after your neighbors have gone to bed.

30. When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone and shout at the top of your lungs that your home is under attack, and order them to man their battle stations. ("General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle stations.")

31. Make your family menu a week ahead of time and do so without checking the pantry and refrigerator.

32. Post a menu on the refrigerator door informing your family that you are having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for at least an hour, when they finally get to the kitchen, tell them that you are out of steak, but you have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they don't pay attention to the menu any more so they just ask for hot dogs.

33. When baking a cake, prop up one side of the pan while it is in the oven. Spread icing on real thick to level it off.

34. In the middle of January, place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have you family stand watches at the podium, rotating at 5-hour intervals.

35. Lock yourself and your family in your house for six weeks. Then tell them that at the end of the sixth week you're going to take them to Disneyland for "weekend liberty." When the end of the sixth week rolls around, inform them that Disneyland has been canceled due to the fact that they need to get ready for engineering-certification, and that it will be another week before they can leave the house.

36. In your grim, gray dumpster (refer to #1), with 200 of your not-so-closest friends (refer to #12) regardless of gender, suffer through PMS!

37. Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a curtain. Have your wife whip open the curtain about three hours after you go to sleep. She should then shine a flashlight in your eyes and mumble, "Sorry, wrong rack."

38. Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of your bathtub, move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make sure you shut off the water while you soap down.

39. When there is a thunderstorm in your area, find a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

40. Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

41. For ex-engineering types: leave the lawn mower running in your living room eight hours a day.

42. Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

43. Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind carries the soot onto your neighbors house. Ignore his complaints.

44. Every other month buy green or red marine primer and put it in a paint sprayer. Spray it over the roof of your house onto your neighbor's car. Ignore his complaints.

45. Lock wire the lug nuts on your car.

46. Buy a trash compactor, but use it only once a week. Store the garbage on the other side of your bathtub.

47. Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on stale bread.

48. Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt, stuff you pants into your socks. Run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.

49. Once a month, take every major appliance apart and put them back together again.

50. Install a fluorescent lamp under the coffee table and then get under it and read books.

51. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of your front and back doors so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through one of them.

52. Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout, "Man overboard, starboard side." Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "stowed for sea."

53. Put on the headphones from your stereo set, but don't plug them in. Hang a paper cup around your neck with string. Go stand in front of your stove, say ... to no one in particular, "Stove manned and ready." Stand there for three or four hours. And say again to no one in particular, "Stove secured." Roll up your headphones and paper cup and place them in a box.

I just wanted to email and say what a great Website you have! It's just too cool! My son did a tour on the Roosevelt last year. Those numbered items about Navy life were hilarious! And so so true! #12 really hit home because my son had duty the day they pulled back into Norfolk!

I've sent the link to him and a bunch of other Navy moms. I know they'll love it too. Thanks again!

All persons, upon entering the service and upon reenlistment are required to take the Oath of Enlistment. At one time the oath was the same for all services. Due to changes in both society and the differing military branches, the oath has undergone marked change and has been specifically tailored to each branch of the military and their function. Following are are the latest versions as recently released by the Joint Chiefs of Staff.

Disclaimer such as it: This is humor. If you can't laugh at stuff like this (and the above for that matter), especially in times like these, that would be your problem, not mine - I'm not about to spoil it for the rest of us.

Of course the Navy has first priority on this page, equal opportunity bashing follows.

Navy

I, Top Gun, in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States Navy, because I want to hang out with Marines without actually having to BE one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," because I didn't want to actually live in dirt like the Army, and because I thought, "Hey, I like to swim ... why not?"

I promise to wear clothes that went out of style in 1976 and to have my name stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor Man during summer and for Nazi Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, gee dunk, scuttlebutt, scuttle and head," when I really mean "floor, wall, hat, candy, water fountain, hole in wall and toilet."

I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank, and insignia, and everything else for that matter, are com! politely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever.

I will muster, whatever that is, at 0700 every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the Chief, in which case I will show up around 0930. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a typhoon, and still not spill a drop.

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my newfound "colleagues." So help me Neptune!

Air Force

I, (state your name), swear to sign away four years of my life to the United States Air Force because I know I couldn't hack it in the Army, because the Marines frighten me and I am afraid of water over waist deep.

I swear to sit behind a desk. I also swear not to do any form of real exercise, but promise to defend our bike-riding test as a valid form of exercise.

I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I find it amusing to annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than those around me and will, at all times, be sure to make them aware of that fact. After completion of "Basic Training," I will be a lean, mean, donut-eating, lazy-boy sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, Chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean the knife before stabbing the next person in the back. I will annoy those around me, and will go home early every day. So help me God!

Army

I, Rambo, swear to sign away four years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me because I can't swim.

I will wear camouflage every day and tuck my trousers into my boots because I can't figure out how to use blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.

I will continue to tell myself that I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only action I will see is a Court-Martial for sexual harassment.

I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of my Sexual ... er ... I mean "Basic Training," I will attend a different Army school every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left. On my first trip home after Boot Camp I will walk around like I am cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a better-looking Air Force guy. Should she leave me 12 times I will continue to take her back.

While at work, I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely nothing accomplished. I will arrive to work every day at 1000 hrs because of morning PT and leave everyday at 1300 to report back to "COMPANY." I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $30,000 for college, but will be unable to use it because I can't pass a placement exam. So help me God!

Marines

I, (have someone recite your name for you), swear..uhhhh....high-and-tight.... grunt... cammies.... ugh...Air Force women....OORAH! So help me CORPS!

X____________________ Thumb Print

From Elizabeth: "About the enlistment oaths. I can't say anything for the rest, but for the Navy - they no longer wear the outdated clothes. That's the only thing that isn't true!! My dad was in the Navy and my husband is currently serving in the Navy, so I think I can honestly say I know what I am talking about."

OK, one little joke, seein' as how the jarheads were slighted above :)

By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant, a Navy guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Marine assured him. "I'll take it."

The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "How'd you sleep?"

"Never better."

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring, then?"

"Nope, I shut him up in no time."

"How'd you manage that?"

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the Marine explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, 'Goodnight, beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

I do not profess to full appreciation of any of the above, having not served myself. However, based on two former Marines for brothers, numerous acquaintances, a few romances with a fair representation of soldiers/sailors, including an ex who was Navy - and Bubba Flyboy's influence - including his comments about/quotes from retired service members at work, I think I have a pretty good grip on acceptable slams. Nonetheless, I would hate to think I'm missing any. Please feel free to enlighten me.

Lots more are to be found on various pages in WAR series http://www.therealmartha.com/WAR/index.htm particularly on http://www.therealmartha.com/WARK9/index.htm, my "adopted" K-9 unit in Bosnia. Also find great support links there and more (address for care package goodies), as well as variety links (military and 9-11, serious, informational and entertaining) on all series pages.

Come back soon, there will be more! Don't forget to pass this page along to a friend - just copy and paste URL or drag/drop Aol heart thingy into an e-mail. I don't like using auto-senders - they put names on lists that generate junk. I don't need any more and neither does anyone else.

Aha, the new page: http://www.therealmartha.com/Navy2/index.htm - Finally added the link, which I didn't before for fear of losing the nice background, which I did - had to fix a coupla typos anyway. The background that's supposed to be here is still on the new page, along with a considerable amount of bitching about the pain it was the first time. If I do another Navy page, the link will be here so as not to lose that background too. This published has a mind of its own no matter what I try. For all I know, the background might show up again.

Please help yourself to anything on any of my pages - linking back to index is cool and most appreciated. All were freely submitted, or are public domain as far as I know. Free Bird (below) is one I surprised myself with, a lucky hit if there ever was one - graphics not being a strong suit. I have Helen to thank for that caption, Patti for Raggedy and RA for e-mail shepherd.

Mermaids remind me of a trivia piece, which naturally I can't find to confirm - minor detail, makes a good story anyway - waaaaaay back when, sailors wore a gold earring to pay for burial.

King Neptune was the US Navy's unofficial mascot for nine years. He helped raise more than $19 million in war bonds during WWII by being repeatedly "auctioned off" on fundraising tours. The 700 lb. porker would be dressed in a navy blue robe, a gold crown (made by a local women's club) and would wear silver earrings and painted toenails. Navy recruiter Don Lingle hatched the re-sale scheme when he was given King Neptune as a piglet to barbecue in the early 1940s. In the spirit of patriotism, high bidders buying the pig at war bond rallies always returned him.

King Neptune's eroded grave* is not lavish, or even very recognizable, situated at a roadside rest stop. The inscription reads: "Buried here - King Neptune, famous Navy mascot pig auctioned for $19,000,000.00 in war bonds 1942-1946 to help make a free world." Adapted from http://www.roadsideamerica.com/pet/neptune.html

*Mount Pleasant, IL: The tomb is in a rest area on Rt. 146 - where it intersects I-57 - about seven miles east of town.)

Must-see: http://danielprice.com/
Daniel Price, a self-taught artist, has developed a reputation for producing almost photographic realism in his watercolor paintings. While he paints several subjects, including landscapes, lighthouses and racing scenes, his primary subject matter is military in nature - both naval, and aviation.

"The Whispering Activist" a.k.a. Martha Jones - Opinions and ideas, mine and from others, that everyone can use to get involved, make a difference and lighten the load. Find hoax busters, media hype alerts, timely info, controversy, common sense, commiseration, empathy, household tips, easy recipes, critter stuff, variety links, and a little humor along the way.

Please use a clearly defined subject line (Navy misc. is fine). "Hey there, hi, this is great ... " do not cut it, that's what spammers use. Due to at least 10 tons of junk to sort every day - if I don't recognize a name, I delete. Unfortunately, due to virus/worm problems, downloads also have to be automatic deletions. Way too many people do not realize their scanners can't catch the latest. Embedded images or copies of doc. files are welcome. Type in all caps is not, I do not have time to retype. All caps is extremely irritating and should never be used unless you mean to be screaming, which is even more irritating. I will not read, no matter the subject. If you have a great piece you haven't seen everywhere, go ahead and send the first few lines. I may ask you to retype the whole thing if I don't already have it in proper form. Double spaces between sentences are a giant pain too.

This page and some of the above links are just a few of the side-trips I take. If you need a break in the kitchen, holiday or any day, what I really do is real easy recipes for real busy, real people. Warning: not for fans of the UnReal Martha.

SOS appears in several versions, several places. When I find them again, I'll add here - send your style too. Bub has finally decided the dried beef rendition is his favorite. Melt a chunk of butter with about half a cup of flour. When that's all stuck together, pour on a little milk and stir around mashing any huge lumps against the side of pan. Add beef (easiest to cut into bite-size with scissors), stir around 'til all's warm again - that's it. If it thickens too much, add a little more milk. Serve over toast or bread.