I can't remember what I had for lunch,
how I am supposed to keep track of you?!

Keep this in faves - haul out as needed (~.*)

You're not as young as you used to be, but you're not as old as you're going to be. So watch it! ~ Irish proverb

Needed a card for a dog's b-day page - please help yourself to a copy. Take anything you like, a credit back here would be cool, as is including original credit when possible.

According to George Burns: "You know you're old when your favorite part of the newspaper is 25 Years Ago Today, when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and ask yourself, 'What else can I do while I'm down here?' and when everybody goes to your birthday party and stands around the cake just to keep warm."

When I am an old woman I shall wear purple

With a red hat which doesn't go, and doesn't suit me
And I shall spend my pension on brandy and summer gloves
And satin sandals and say we've no money for butter
And I shall sit down on the pavement when I'm tired
And gobble up samples in shops and press alarm bells
And run my stick along the public railings
And make up for the sobriety of my youth
I shall go out in my slippers in the rain
And pick the flowers in other people's gardens
And learn to spit.

You can wear terrible shirts and grow more fat
And eat three pounds of sausages at a go
Or only bread and a pickle for a week
And hoard pens and pencils and beer mats and things in boxes.

But now we must have clothes that keep us dry
And pay our rent and not swear in the street
And set a good example for the children
We will have friends to dinner and read the papers.

But maybe I ought to practice a little now
So people who know me are not too shocked and surprised
When suddenly I am old, and start to wear purple.

Jenny Joseph

http://www.clarenevans.com/Purple.html
~ Nope, I'm not wearing purple ~

When I dye my hair orange

When I'm a very old lady
I won't care what people say,
I'll dye my hair bright orange
Jog to the shops every day.

I'll wear a bright crimson coat
And shoes of purple and black,
If by chance there's a shower,
I can always don my green Mac.

Though I may seem a bit nutty,
I can face the world with a chuckle;
While others are following fashion
I adorn all my clothes with a buckle.

I'll join a group of protesters,
All marching for animal rights,
The earth I'll protect to the last,
At my age I can show my might.

If shopkeepers try to offend me,
By calling me darling and dear,
I'll tell them 'to stick' their goods
And go to the pub for a beer.

I know married men will love me,
For I'm always game for a laugh,
If any of them come on too strong,
I'll tell them I'll blow the gaff!

If the family tries to disown me,
Thinking I'm rather strange,
I'll do something more to shock them -
Like signing up at the rifle range.

They may chastise me for drinking
And begrudge me my bottles of gin,
But I'll get extremely angry
If they throw them all in the bin.

So when finally my life is over
The best times will really begin
For when they read my new will,
They'll see I've just left them the gin.

Copyright Marian Jones 2002

Why women can be cranky

We start to "bud" in our blouses only to find anything that comes in contact with those tender, blooming buds hurts so bad it brings us to tears.

Enter the training bra contraption the boys in school will snap until we have calluses on our backs.

Next, we get our periods. Along with those budding boobs, we now bloat, we cramp, we get the hormone crazies, and have to wear little mattresses between our legs or insert tubular-packed cotton in places we didn't even know we had.

Our next rite of passage (premarital or not) ... having sex for the first time which is about as much fun as having a ramrod push your uterus through your nostrils (if he did it right and didn't end up with his little cart before his horse), leaving us to wonder what all the fuss was about.

Then it's off to motherhood where we learn to live on dry crackers and water for a few months so we don't spend the entire day leaning over Brother John. Of course, amazing creatures that we are (and we are), we learn to live with the growing little angels steadily kicking our innards night and day making us wonder if we're having Rosemary's Baby. Our once flat bellies now look like we swallowed a Saint Bernard on steroids - whole - and we pee our pants every time we sneeze.

When the big moment arrives, the dam in our blessed nether regions will invariably burst right in the middle of the mall and we'll waddle with our big cartoon feet moaning in pain all the way to the ER. Then it's huff and puff and beg to die while the OB says, "Please stop screaming, Mrs. Hearmeroar. Calm down and push. Just one more good push," warranting a strong, well-deserved impulse to punch the bastard (and hubby) square in the nose for making us cram a wiggling, mushroom-headed 10 lb. bowling ball through a keyhole.

After that, it's time to raise those angels only to find that when all that cute wears off, the little darlings morph into jabbering, wet, gooey, snot-blowing, life-sucking little poop machines.

The teen years - need I say more? The kids are almost grown now and we hit that voracious sexual prime in our mid-30s to early-40s while hubby had his somewhere around his 18th birthday (which just happens to be the reason all that early hot man sex got you pregnant in the first place).

Now we hit the grand finale, menopause, the grand-mother of all womanhood. It's either take the HRT and chance cancer in those now-seasoned "buds" or the aforementioned nether regions, or, sweat like a hog in July, wash your sheets and pillowcases daily and bite the head off anything that moves.

Now, you ask why women seem to be more spiteful than men when men get off so easy including the icing on life's cake ... being able to pee in the woods without soaking their socks.

I love being a woman but womanhood would make the great Ghandi a tad crabby. Women are the weaker sex?

Yeah, right. Bite me.

Credits note: I attach when available and ask permission when possible. I also edit - usually it's only punctuation, spelling/grammar or replacing all caps with bold/italic. However, when I see a simple punch-up, I do that too. Scum of the earth that we are, that's what editors do: http://www.therealmartha.com/editingetc/index.htm

Ya know, it does take a lotta years and a lotta sh*t to grow the perfect rose ...

AAAAD, Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it manifests ...

I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice the trash can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the bottle of soda I'd been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the soda aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. The soda is getting warm, I decide I should put it in the refrigerator.

As I head toward the kitchen a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered. I set the soda down on the counter, and discover my reading glasses I've been  searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day the car isn't washed, the bills aren't paid, a warm bottle of soda is sitting on the counter, the flowers aren't watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can't find the remote, I can't find my glasses and I have no idea what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favor, will you? Forward this to everyone you know, I don't remember ...

You're a year older?
Want me to moon the birthday fairy for you?

When I'm an old lady, I'll live with each kid,
And bring so much happiness ... just as they did.
I want to pay back all the joy they've provided,
Returning each deed. Oh, they'll be so excited!

I'll write on the wall with reds, whites and blues,
And bounce on the furniture wearing my shoes.
I'll drink from the carton and then leave it out.
I'll stuff all the toilets and oh, how they'll shout!

When they're on the phone and just out of reach,
I'll get into things like sugar and bleach,
Oh, they'll snap their fingers and then shake their head,
And when that is done I'll hide under the bed!

When they cook dinner and call me to eat,
I'll not eat my green beans or salad or meat.
I'll gag on my okra, spill milk on the table,
And when they get angry I'll run ... if I'm able!

I'll sit close to the TV, through the channels I'll click,
I'll cross both my eyes just to see if they stick.
I'll take off my socks and throw one away,
And play in the mud 'til the end of the day!

And later in bed, I'll lay back and sigh,
I'll thank God in prayer and then close my eyes.
My kids will look down with a smile slowly creeping,
And say with a groan, "She's so sweet ... when she's sleeping!"

Author: Joanne Bailey Baxter, Lorain, OH

Whenever it is, if ever you choose to acknowledge. In case someone has the audacity to put the correct number of candles on your cake, it is your choice to blow out only the ones you care to recognize.

Scroll down for a bunch more graphics. Consider as more happys to y'all since I'm lousy at remembering. Just come back each year and pick a new one. Phew! I feel better already.

http://www.therealmartha.com/brightspots/index.htm ~ Wit and wisdom gathered from every day goings-on, special events, occasions, critters, friends ... real people what-have-yous ... includes something for everyone, with special attention paid to the sneakin'-up-on-50 crowd

http://www.therealmartha.com/Granny_Greetings/index.htm ~ Oldie-goldies, memories, original compositions and personal tributes, humor and happy tears (part two coming soon)

http://www.therealmartha.com/stress/index.htm ~ Not the usual relief advice

http://www.therealmartha.com/Skewed_Views/index.htm
From The UnBlonde Sheep, poking holes while tending to the general shearing of BS

My true mission in life: the equalization of CR*P
(as much as possible actually but most particularly ... Cooking-Related Propaganda).

www.TheRealMartha.com

Real easy recipes for real busy, real people ...
follow the links or go directly to

Main Index

where you'll find a list of variety pages including editorial tips, humor, critters and stuff that'll really get ya.

But wait ... here's a little thank-you for stopping by - now you can't say I never gave you anything.

Do the right click thing to copy, print on heavy card stock (or laminate), then stick on a piece of magnetic tape.

A few more ass-gems
http://www.therealmartha.com/buttments/index.htm
~ Silly naughties, not vulgar ~ #3 to be on the loose shortly ~
http://www.therealmartha.com/buttments2/index.htm

http://www.therealmartha.com/Frogulations/index.htm
B-day "Frogulations"
requires an odd (to say the least) sense of humor

Comments? Suggestions?

MarthaJones1@aol.com

Because I get that many pieces of junk mail every day - please use a clearly defined subject line.

http://www.mybirthday-invitations.com/
Free Birthday Invitations, Greeting Cards
Birthday parties are fun times for family, friends and everybody. Send our free birthday invitation cards with wishes to join in the celebrations and make the bash memorable!

http://www.rexanne.com/bday-main.html
Birthdays by Rexanne
Everything for, because and about birthdays

Don't forget to bookmark before you go!

If any blanks show up, hit refresh.

Dinosaurs 'R' Us or Hey, you old fossil ... you get the idea

Have a peachy b-day

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Copy and paste this one as regular text. It might scoot to one side - highlight and hit center button. You can play around and add extra candles or tiers too.

I have my moments of sentimentality, just not often.

OK, me too, but I always try warn people first. The shock could be dangerous. Just did a great gotcha to my friend in AZ who's exactly one month older, "It may be earlier there but you're already 50 here." If you want to be nice, switch it to, "You're still two hours younger here." If you forget an older friend's big day, say you did it on purpose to delay the rollover.

Notice this is not a clever way to tell you to remember mine - it will be ignored as judiciously and studiously as possible.

Addin' as fast as I can - stay tuned!

Time Changes Everything....

I used to have Saturday Night Fever...
Now I just have Saturday Night hot flashes.

Ever get the feeling your stuff strutted off without you?

Any woman can have the body of a 21-year-old...
as long as she buys him a few drinks first.

My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

I've still got it, but nobody wants to see it.

I'm getting into swing dancing.
Not on purpose some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.

It's scary when you start making the same noises as your
coffeemaker.

I think I've reached my sexpiration date.

People our age can still enjoy an active, passionate sex life!
Provided we get cable or that dish thing.

The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs.
The bad news is they have to squat down first.

These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says,
"For fast relief."

I've tried to find a suitable exercise video for people my age..
But they haven't made one called "Buns of Putty."

Don't think of it as getting hot flashes.
Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.

Don't let aging get you down...
It's too hard to get back up!