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Feeder's Digest

Fall Catch All

Real easy recipes for real busy, real people - from The Real Martha

First things first - many, many thanks to all my contributors (and your readers) for support during the virus crisis. It's not over as I write this. Bubba is still chipping away at the beast. This has been an excruciating experience. I've never been robbed, altho have had two places broken into - the feeling of violation is equal, if not worse.

Please everyone - know your downloads. This appeared to be from someone I knew. Subject line: Hey you. Text (exact copy):"hey i finally got my pics scanned..theres like 5 or 6 of them..so just download it and unzip it." Sounded just like her, absolutely no reason to question. I hear there's also a "Just for You" going around. Another suggestion was to look for KAK which at least one person's scanner didn't catch.

I'm the least techy person I know. No use trying to figure out or explain how this was done, altho have been told it spreads thru buddy lists. Additional warning - watch out for Instakiss e-mail. It looks extremely authentic, supposedly thru aol. "Someone has sent you ... " - it's a password stealer and evidently causes damage even if you use a fake password to test and end up on a page.

I sent alerts to all newsletter editors who provide input for these pages. The response was amazing - as in concern and offers of help and support; frightening with tales of what else could go wrong. Bubba seems to have the worst of it "quarantined." Only a matter of time to discover what else has been/is yet to be corrupted. While I am now able to sign on - weird messages are popping up and shutting down programs at random. Update: Signing on didn't last long, also can't reboot without turning off machine completely again.

The following is advice I'll stick to in the future. Thanks to  Kathleen from DreamLovers for the compilation. Copy and send to everyone you know, especially newbies. Good idea to keep a copy too.

 For those on AOL. Please remember, if you want to download an EXE file, download to disk, then scan the disk. (My version was not marked EXE.)

  IT DOES NOT MATTER IF YOU KNOW (or think you know)THE PERSON OR NOT.

Also be aware of copy cat names. Remember, those who intend harm like to change a few things to look like another member. (Mine was exact.)

Now, if you receive e-mail from any AOL member that brings you to a porn site or unsolicited mail, forward to TOSemail1.

If it comes from another ISP, then send it to TOSspam.

If an unknown AOL member sends you e-mail with an attached file, send it to TOSfiles.

If you don't understand, please go to Keyword: TOS.

~~~

One other cheery little apprizal. The phone company is trying to stick us with a $2,200. bill for Internet access. Had no idea it was long distance - moved "across the line" to St. Louis - same town as hotel. Truly a bizarre situation but can happen anywhere with 10-digit numbers. None of it makes sense. In Houston a few years ago, I could call my sister in a suburb free. It cost her to call the city - ridiculous.

Did find out there is a reasonably priced access option which we would have taken if offered. Ma Bell ain't gonna win this one, even tho we've heard other people have been skinned.

OK, enuf negativity - except ... 'fraid some of the graphics are acting oddly. Fortunately, that's all the blight affected in publishing (so far). Come back in a few days. I'll fix a.s.a.p. - plus I have a bunch of groovies stashed that I can't retrieve right now.

(~.*)

There's a great line in Smokey and the Bandit - Burt and Sally are comparing interests, of which there are none in common (New York ballet vs. Southern redneck something). One of them, think it was Burt, said, "How ignorant you are depends on which part of the country you're standing in." My how that does apply to cooking terminology.

In characteristic mode, after initiating kitchen trials, I went overboard buying every cookbook I could find at garage sales. Ended up with well more than 300, all confusing as hell. I was in Florida, books were from all over the country. I'd find basically the same recipes under umpteen different regional names. Ragout (a stew) comes to mind, altho can't remember what some of the other names were at present. Seems like rou ... whatever and a few others. The point is - all those books were one thing - the 'net is so vast it's no telling what you may come up against.

Don't let it drive ya nuts. Full speed ahead. Make up your own dish titles. Have fun (such as it is) experimenting. If you don't like a certain ingredient, substitute or omit. No recipe is written in stone. I always tamper - lightning has yet to strike. There is no one absolute authority - use the advice that makes sense and forget the rest ... including mine.

"An expert is someone who knows more and more about less and less, until eventually he knows everything about nothing." -Anonymous

Above all, take no failure to heart.

"A mistake is simply another way of doing things." -Katharine Graham

You just need a few "explanations" handy when calamity comes calling. "All I know is those hens must have had a rough night - these eggs are a mess." - or some such. Obviously, I have to disagree with:

"He who is good at making excuses is seldom good for anything else." Benjamin Franklin

BF may have been a general wiz, but he most certainly spent no time at the hearth or had the misery of Murphy's acquaintance. When you find yourself in the middle of a hot muddle, cease action immediately. Acknowledge the little people Murphy trained so well before sending them to live in your kitchen. Eventually they will get tired and go to bed and you will be free to tackle anew.

I passed the point when recipes with more than five ingredients gave me hives a few years back but gawd LTFs are so much easier on this old discombobulated noggin. This page however includes quite a few MTFs - hot off the wire, traveling in groups it would seem. Forgive me, as I know full well what you've come to expect. There does come a time to take giant steps however, and I think you'll agree, the extra brain strain will be worth it.

~~~

From DreamLovers, a newsletter with four or five different parts, containing jokes, recipes, trivia, facts, poems, a page of links and a background to save (for AOL 4.0 and 5.0 users only). Sent daily, might be an occasional Saturday mailing - Sundays definitely off.

Ham Loaf

2 parts ground ham (great use for leftovers)
1 part ground pork (fresh only)
2 slices of white bread (crust removed and cut into small cubes)
1 egg
1 tsp. dry mustard
2 Tbls. cider vinegar
5 oz. evaporated milk
1 small can pineapple slices
maraschino cherries
1/4 cup brown sugar
2 Tbls. butter

Mix together the first 7 ingredients (I have found it easiest to mix all the other ingredients together then add them to the ham/ground pork). I hand mix the meats together first. Form like a loaf in a shallow-sided pan. Melt butter in a small pan, add sugar and cook until sugar dissolves. Put pineapple rings on top of formed ham loaf. Place cherries in center of pineapple  rings. Top with butter/brown sugar glaze. Bake for 1 hour at 350°.

My Version

Great start, no leftover ham on tap. Second, Bubba's mouth (I want ... ) was bigger than his stomach so I had leftover pancakes - used those instead of the bread. Forgot evap. milk on the grocery list - substituted dry milk. Hadn't used a nifty new glass loaf pan yet - other than those adjustments - went pretty much by the rest of the instructions. Put the dry stuff, egg and vinegar in zipper bag, shook 'em up, then added ground pork (little more than one lb.) - squished it all up together. At the last minute I realized there were no onions specified - horrors! Dug a trough down the middle and stuffed with chopped greenies. Pressed a few into the top too.

Then ... when I put the pineapple rings on top I had to yell at Bubba. It was soooo purty - time for ...

Kitche-Cam

(correct pronounciation: kitchee)

What else would I call it? Everything I do in that territory is abbreviated. Took the rings off first to be documentarily correct of course. Bear in mind, this is real food, done in a real kitchen. Your production will most likely look just like it. Erma Bombeck once commented that if she should ever remarry, she would hire a food photog for the album. She also said she considered cookbooks some of the greatest fiction ever written. Too true. Except mine of course ;). May even put some of Bubba's masterpieces in the new book - there's a thrill.

Glaze looks rather revolting at this stage - dang wish we'd remembered to get a shot after it was done - t'was bee-U-tiful.

~~~

Another emergency invention

Left the camera on the counter to remind this time :) That's my corner with the tomatoes.

Had not a glimmer what was going to be happening for dinner amidst the electronic chaos reign. No fresh onions or other basics but had plenty of dried stuff on hand. Mixed anywhere from a tsp. to a Tbls. of garlic powder, dried onion bits, celery and parsley flakes and chive pieces with enuf lemon juice to rehydrate. Added a heavy shot of yellow mustard and a serious big glob of mayo - mixed that all around and threw in maybe a cup of shredded mozzarella, another cup or so shredded Cheddar (out of bags of course) and six pieces of bacon, nuked after snipping into small pieces. Smooshed onto whole wheat bread laid out in 8 x 8 baking dish ... 400° for about 10 minutes, might have been longer, till it started bubbling and browning. Paprika was in the dry mix too - next time I'll shake it on top. Ended up what I imagine a rarebit is like. There's another one of those regional title befuddlements, have also seen similar conglomerations called rabbit. Could have been typos I s'pose ...

This puppy was a bona fide Whoa Nellie! Bubba said too much mustard - I thought it was perfect - might concede next time. This is a good 'un to mess around with any way you'd like - and let me know. Would be big dog with fresh stuff (onions, celery, grow-your-own-garlic).

~~~

More from DreamLoversMail@aol.com

175-Year-Old Apple Recipe

Boil 1½ lbs. sugar and 1 pint water till thick. Add 2 lbs. sliced peeled apples and grated rind of 1 lemon. Boil till smooth and thick. Put in mould to set. Serve with cream and custard. If put in jars and sealed, it will keep for years. This recipe has been used since
1825.

Flank Steak Marinade

1/4 cup soy sauce
1 Tbls. honey
2 Tbls. vinegar
1½ tsp. ground ginger
3/4 cup olive oil
1 Tbls. vermouth
2 Tbls. chopped onions

Pound the flank steak all over on both sides or stab with a fork until your arm is tired. Blend as well as you can (it's not easy!) and marinate at least 4 hours. The easiest way to marinate is in a big zipper bag that you can shake and turn over often. After marinating, grill the steak and cut in strips against the grain.

"Families are like fudge ... mostly sweet with a few nuts." - Unknown

Hubert is upstairs on his bed, comatose and dying. His old friend, the doctor, is right next to him, waiting patiently. Suddenly, Hubert sits up and sniffs the air, "She's baking cookies! I never did like her much but I stayed with her all these years just for her cookies." The doctor offerered to bring him some. "I sure would love some before I die but they must be eaten hot, right from the pan, to taste their best." Hubert drags himself down to get a last taste of her wonderful cookies. As his trembling hand reaches toward the pan he hears "Hubert! Stay out of those cookies. They're for the funeral."

~~~

Fred asks Myrtle, "Shall we try a different position tonight?"

Myrtle replies, "That's a good idea. Why don't you stand by the sink and do the dishes and I'll sit on the sofa and fart."

Make Your Own Gel Air Freshener

How apropos ...

You can make your own great smelling gel air fresheners, using liquid potpourri, or from scratch. They make great gifts!

2 cups distilled water
essential oil/fragrance of choice.
4 pkg. Knox gelatin
food coloring (optional)

Heat 1 cup water almost to a boil. Add the gelatin and stir until dissolved. Remove from heat. Add another cup distilled water, 10 - 20 drops of oil/fragrance, and food coloring if desired.

You can replace food coloring, water and oil/fragrance with premade liquid potpourri (available at most craft stores, candle shops). Just make sure it's the concentrated kind or it won't retain its smell. The procedure would be the same. Heat 1 cup liquid potpourri, almost to a boil. Stir in 4 packets Knox gelatin, until dissolved. Then stir in 1 cup cool liquid potpourri. Pour the mixture into baby food jars or any container and leave at room temperature overnight until "set." I do not put in refrigerator because it will make everything smell.

For gift giving, you can decorate the baby food jars or any container by wrapping with material, or gluing on wallpaper, stickers or wrapping paper.

~~~

Baked Tata Skins

6 small baking potatoes (4 to 5 in. long)
1/4 cup butter or margarine
1/4 tsp. paprika
pinch of pepper

Preheat oven to 400°. Scrub potatoes, pat dry, and rub skins lightly with a little of the butter. Pierce potatoes in several places with a fork. Bake until tender when pierced (45 minutes to 1 hour). Can also test by squeezing with a potholder, and ... sometimes the holes will "sing." When cool enough to handle, cut in halves lengthwise and scoop out potato, leaving a thin shell about 1/8 inch thick. Reserve potato for other dishes. Place skins on a baking sheet. Melt butter in a small pan with paprika and white pepper. Stir. Brush insides of skins with butter mixture. Bake until crisp and golden (18 to 20 minutes).

Extras: For variety, try adding grated Cheddar cheese, crumbled bacon, green onion or chives.

 Civilization has taught us to eat with a fork, but even now, if nobody is around, we use our fingers. - Will Rogers

Miss Jones had been giving her second-grade students a lesson on science. She had explained about magnets and showed how they would pick up nails and other bits of iron.

Now it was question time, and she asked, "My name begins with the letter 'M' and I pick things up. What am I?"

A little boy on the front row proudly said, "You're a mother!"

~~~

Honey Garlic  Meatballs

2 lb. lean ground beef
1 cup dry bread crumbs
3/4 cup milk
1/2 cup finely chopped onion
2 eggs
2 tsp. salt
1 Tbls. butter
3 cloves garlic
3/4 cup ketchup
1/2 cup honey
1/4 cup soy sauce

Preheat oven to 500°. Put meat in a bowl and break with fork. Add and mix together bread crumbs, milk, onion, eggs, and salt. Shape meatballs into 1 inch balls. They taste better when they are small. Place in single layer on a jelly roll pan and bake 12 to 15 minutes. Drain well. Melt butter in a saucepan and sauté garlic until tender. Add ketchup, honey, and soy sauce. Bring to boil, reduce heat, cover and simmer five minutes. Add meatballs to sauce. Return to boil and simmer uncovered for 5 to 10 minutes, stirring occasionally or until sauce glazes meatballs. These freeze well.

Facts About Americans

69% eat the cake before the frosting.  
  When nobody else is around, 47% drink straight from the carton.  
  85% of us will eat Spam this year.  
  70% of us drink orange juice daily.  
  Snickers is the most popular candy.  
  22% of us skip lunch daily.  
  9% of us skip breakfast daily.  
  66% of us eat cereal regularly.
  22% of all restaurant meals include French fries.  
  14% of us eat the watermelon seeds. 
  Only 30% of us know our cholesterol level.
  44% reuse tinfoil.  
  66% of women and 59% of men have used a mix to cook and taken credit for doing it from scratch.

~~~

Your Uncle Steve has become much more enjoyable to be around since I started fixing his breakfast every morning. I attribute most of the improvement to a healthy drink which I make fresh for him each day. I'm revealing the recipe so that everyone can improve their domestic relationships. Blend the following ingredients and serve as early in the morning as possible.

3 oz. carrot juice
3 oz. prune juice
2 oz. Ex-Lax
A little bit of Rogaine
A little bit of Viagra
A whole bunch of Prozac

It's also great for bosses and co-workers. Take a batch to work tomorrow!

~~~

Pepper Slaw

4 cups cabbage (approximately 1/4 head) grated
1/2 Tbls. hot cayenne pepper sauce
1 Tbls. plus 1 tsp. sugar
2 Tbls. apple cider vinegar
1/2 cup Duke's mayonnaise

salt and pepper to taste

Mix, that's it.

Hmmph, jes' one lil' ol' LTF - J.W. best get busy and straighten that inequity out pretty dang quick. If you like Southern humor and recipes, you'll love the Flamingo Times - also features trivia, tips, one-liners, quips and quotes.

~~~

Didja?Knows

Americans eat an average of 18 lb. of fresh apples each year.

The most popular variety in the United States is the Red Delicious.

An apple, onion, and potato all have the same taste. The differences in flavor are caused by their smell. To prove this - pinch your nose and take a bite from each. They will all taste sweet.

Ancient Greeks and Romans believed asparagus had medicinal qualities for helping prevent bee stings and relieve toothaches.

Ancient Greeks wove marjoram into funeral wreaths and put them on the graves of loved ones. The wreaths served as prayers for the happiness of the deceased in a future life.

Arachibutyrophobia is fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of your mouth.

According to the head chef at the United Nations, the president of Iceland eats fish every day for lunch. Additionally, the queen of Denmark has a taste for Japanese food, and Pres. Bill Clinton has a passion for chicken.

According to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, Americans eat more than 22 pounds of tomatoes every year. More than half this amount is eaten in the form of ketchup and tomato sauce.

Alcoholic lemonade is outselling premium bottled lagers in United Kingdom pubs, according to a report in "NASFT Showcase" magazine.

Although the combination of Chile peppers and oregano for seasoning has been traced to the ancient Aztecs, the present blend is said to be the invention of early Texans. Chili powder today is typically a blend of dried Chiles, garlic powder, red peppers, oregano, and cumin.

~~~

Why does vanilla ice cream sometimes have black specks in it?

How would you like to be synonymous with "plain?" How about running a perennial second? That's the fate of vanilla ice cream as long as chocolate exists. 

Sometimes vanilla ice cream looks as if it has bits of chocolate in it, as if only that could make the flavor acceptable. What are those dark specks, anyway? If you thought they might be parts of vanilla beans, you're right. But they're only the flavorless residue of the bean. Companies put them in just for show, to prove that they used real beans and not artificial flavor. 

Poor vanilla: in the end, those specks aren't worth a hill of beans.

Source: What are the Hyenas Laughing at, Anyway? by D. Feldman)

How long after eating do you have to wait before going swimming?

According to my mother, when we were at the beach, if the interval between sandwich and salt water were anything less than 90 minutes, it would be cramps and a watery grave for me.

Mom, are you listening? There's no scientific backing for this belief! Cramps from swimming after eating are rare and are not statistically significant in drownings. You can go in right after eating.

Of course you wouldn't want to do anything strenuous in the water right after a meal, just as you wouldn't on land. Otherwise, to your repertoire of Australian crawl, backstroke, and dog paddle, you will add the upchuck. 

Source: Triumph of the Straight Dope by Cecil Adams)

What's the difference between a yam and a sweet potato?

According to the Mayo Clinic dietician, a true yam is a large, starchy root that can grow up to 100 pounds. It is native to Africa and Asia and is seldom available in the USA. The sweet potato is a native American plant. It was a staple for early settlers and was actually brought to Europe by Columbus. There are two varieties of sweet potatoes: One is moist and orange-fleshed, the other is drier and yellow. The orange-fleshed potato is commonly - and incorrectly - called a yam. This common practice has resulted in confusion when it comes to labels. Some stores incorrectly label the darker of the two sweet potatoes as being a yam, and they list the nutrient content for yams. True yams have no vitamin A. So consumers mistakenly think that the product has no vitamin A, even though it actually does. Consumers are most likely eating sweet potatoes - and sweet potatoes are rich in vitamin A, vitamin C and fiber.

~~~

Kids are cute, babies are cute, puppies are cute. The little things are cute. See, nature did this on purpose so that we would want to take care of our young. Made them cute. Tricked us. Then gradually they get older and older, until one day your mother sits you down and says, "You know, I think you're ugly enough to get your own apartment." - Cathy Ladman

~~~

Hot Shrimp with Cool Salsa

1/4 cup prepared salsa 
  4 Tbls. fresh lime juice, divided 
  1 tsp. honey 
  1 clove garlic, minced 
  2 to 4 drops hot pepper sauce 
  1 lb. large shrimp, peeled and deveined, tails intact 
  1 cup finely diced honeydew melon 
  1/2 cup finely diced unpeeled cucumber 
  2 Tbls. minced parsley 
  1 green onion, finely chopped 
  1½  tsp. sugar 
  1 tsp. olive oil 
  1/4 tsp. salt

To make marinade, combine prepared salsa, 2 Tbls. lime juice, honey, garlic and hot pepper sauce in small bowl. Thread shrimp onto skewers. Brush with marinade; set aside. To make salsa, combine remaining 2 Tbls. lime juice, melon, cucumber, parsley, onion, sugar, oil and salt in medium bowl; mix well. Grill shrimp over medium coals 4 to 5 minutes or until shrimp are opaque, turning once.

Ginger Beef and Pineapple Kabobs

  1 cup Lawry's® Thai Ginger Marinade with Lime Juice, divided 
  16 oz. can pineapple chunks, juice reserved 
  1½ lb. sirloin steak, cut into 1½ inch cubes 
  2 red bell peppers, cut into chunks 
  2 medium onions, cut into wedges

In large resealable plastic food storage bag, combine 1/2 cup marinade and 1 Tbls. pineapple juice; mix well. Add steak, peppers and onions; seal bag. Marinate in refrigerator at least 30 minutes. Remove steak and vegetables; discard used marinade. Alternately thread steak, vegetables and pineapple onto skewers. Grill or broil 10 to 15 minutes or until desired doneness, turning once and basting often with additional 1/2 cup marinade. Do not baste during last 5 minutes of cooking. Discard any remaining marinade. (Can nuke or boil - kills raw germies - for a dipper.)

Jar Recipes
                            
Reese's Peanut Butter Cups Cookie Mix

3/4 cup sugar
1/4 cup packed brown sugar
1¾ cups flour mixed with 1 tsp. baking powder and 1/2 tsp. baking soda (or try self-rising flour)
8 large Reese's peanut butter cups candies cut into 1/2 inch pieces, wrapped in plastic, or why not foil?

Layer ingredients in jar in order given. Press each layer firmly in place before adding next ingredient.

Recipe to attach to jar: Remove candies from jar and set aside.  Empty cookie mix in large mixing bowl; stir to combine. Add 1/2 cup softened butter, 1 egg slightly beaten and 1 tsp. vanilla; mix until completely blended. Stir in candies. Roll dough into walnut-sized balls. Place 2 inches apart on a lightly greased cookie sheet. Bake at 375º for 12 to 14 minutes or until edges are lightly browned. Cool 5 minutes on baking sheet. Remove to wire racks to cool completely.  Yield:  2½ dozen.
                            
Trail Cookie Mix

1/2 cup packed brown sugar
1/2 cup sugar
3/4 cup wheat germ
1/3 cup quick oats
1 cup raisins
1/3 cup packed flaked coconut
1/2 cup chopped pecans
3/4 cup flour mixed with 1 tsp. baking powder

Layer ingredients in jar in order given. Press each layer firmly in place before adding next ingredient.

Recipe to attach to jar: Exactly as above

There are so many ways to decorate these jars. Use your own ideas and seal with love and a bow.

~~~

I believe the only time the world beats a path to my door is when I'm in the bathroom.

 I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.

I put instant coffee in a microwave, and almost went back in time.

~~~

In the summer of 1900, sugar cost four cents a pound, eggs were 14 cents a dozen and coffee cost 15 cents a pound.

Most women washed their hair only once a month and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.

~~~

Keeping Foods Fresh

Fruits: Sprinkle sliced fruits with lemon juice.

Keep sugar soft: Place a slice of bread in the container and cover tightly.

Keep sugar from lumping: Place a couple of salt crackers in the container and cover tightly.

Keep brown sugar soft: Place a slice of apple in the container and cover tightly.

If brown sugar is hard: Place in 200° oven until dry and crumbly. Powder it in an electric blender or use a mortar and pestle.

Dried out, leftover cheese: Don't throw it away! Store in freezer. Frozen, it will crumble easily. Slice it thin without thawing to use in recipes calling for grated cheese. If cheese is covered with mold, wipe it off with vinegar-soaked paper towels. Scrape off heavy mold with knife. Cheese flavor isn't affected. Cover tightly with plastic wrap.

Dried out coconut: Put coconut in a strainer over a steaming pot of water for a few minutes.

Dry, granulated honey: Place honey container in a pan of heated water.

Slightly stale bread: Sprinkle bread with water or milk; wrap in aluminum foil. Bake at 350° about 8 minutes. If hard-crusted, open foil for 3 - 5 minutes more.

Forrest Gump is wrong, life is not like a box of chocolates, it's like a jar of jalapenos. You never know when it's going to burn your a$$.

Probably looks like I used all of Kathleen's material. Felt rotten leaving her out last page. This is but a miniscule sampling.

~~~

For the Best Beef ever!

1 beef brisket
1 can Coke
1 bottle chili sauce (Heinz etc.)
1 pkg. dry onion soup

Mix the Coke, sauce and soup in a covered Dutch oven. Put in the brisket and spoon sauce over the top, bake covered at 350° for 4 hours. Remove brisket, pour sauce in bowl and refrigerate till next day. When ready to serve, carve meat across the grain, remove fat from the top of sauce and spoon over meat. Heat in microwave just till warm.

~~~

Mid-life is when you go to the doctor and you realize you are now so old, you have to pay someone to look at you naked

The good news about mid-life is that the glass is still half-full. Of course, the bad news is that it won't be long before your teeth are floating in it

Mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wingspans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag

Mid-life has hit you when you stand naked in front of a mirror and can see your rear end without turning around

You know you are getting old when you go for a mammogram and you realize it's the only time someone will ask you to appear topless on film.

You know you've crossed the mid-life threshold when you're in the grocery store and you hear a Muzak version of "Stairway to Heaven" in the produce department

Mid-life is when you bounce (a lot), but you don't bounce back. It's more like splat!

Mid-life brings the wisdom that life throws you curves and that you're now sitting on your biggest ones.

It's very hard to "get jiggy with it" in mid-life. Jiggley, yes - jiggy, no.

Mid-life is when your 1970s Body-by-Jake now includes Legs-by-Rand McNally (more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of the state of Wisconsin).

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen, honey, even the Roman Empire fell, and those things will too!"

Mid-life can bring out your angry, bitter side. You look at your latte-swilling, beeper-wearing, know-it-all teenager and think, "For this I have stretch marks?"

Mid-life is when you start to repeat yourself and your chin follows suit.

Mid-life is when you realize that if you were a dog, you'd need a control top flea collar

Mid-life is when your memory really starts to go. The only thing you still retain is water.

You become more reflective in mid-life. You start pondering the "big" questions - what is life, why am I here, how much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

~~~

* Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change ready.

* Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

* There can't be a crisis today, my schedule is already full.

* I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.

* Did you ever stop to think ... and forget to start again?

* A conclusion is simply the place where you got tired of thinking.

* I don't have a solution, but I admire the problem.

* Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out.

* If at first you do succeed, try not to look astonished!

~~~

The above from The Funnie Express/MicHappy's MicRecipes

Subscribe to The Funnies and MicRecipes TheFunnieExpress@aol.com

~~~

What Makes the Editor Tick

A note to SCC readers from Jim - an excellent expression of exactly how I feel. I couldn't do what I do without input.

Today's "Letters to the Editor" is just but one example of what inspires this editor to do the best job that he possibly can.

Publishing daily is not an easy task when it comes to maintaining a lively, fresh approach to SCC. There are days when it is all I can do to force an issue. Just when it seems that my enthusiasm has reached bottom, something happens to revitalize my energy.

"Letters to the Editor" is a well that I drink from as if it were the fountain of an editor's stamina. George contributed a controversial editorial of his personal views regarding the use of time line descriptions/acronyms in history. DecemberJo responded with her thoughts regarding George's letter. Ed Howell wrote a neat piece about the 30s that appeared yesterday. Hanger chipped in with one of his many 30s recollections. Gert responded to my pet rock weather forecast.

Subscriber interaction is the fulcrum that launches the boat that floats this editor's imagination and inspiration to produce the best ever-changing newsletter. You make me feel often as if I am the editor of a huge periodical, actually I am. I'm the editor of the Senior Citizens Community Newsletter. Yet, at the same time I am a small part of a wonderful family.

SCC is a paid subscription letter ($3.99 per year). Wide variety of content, including easily understandable computer tips from da Mouse. Request a sample copy: JellyPubCo@aol.com

More from SCC ...

One evening a man was very impressed with the meat entree his wife had served. "What did you marinate this in?" he asked.

His wife immediately went into a long explanation about how much she loved him and how life wouldn't be the same without him, etc.

Eventually, his puzzled expression made her interrupt her answer with a question of her own, "What did you ask me?"

She chuckled at his answer and explained, "I thought you asked me if I would marry you again!"

As she left the room, he called out, "Well, would you marry me again?"

Without hesitation, she replied, "Vinegar and barbecue sauce."

~~~

Keep sponges fresh and germ resistant. Put them in the microwave for one minute or run them through the dishwasher on the top rack.

~~~

From Happy Thoughts, a daily G-rated newsletter that features interesting facts and information, jokes, inspirational stories, recipes, fonts, pictures, links, puns, themes, quotes, computer tips and backgrounds. Every day is different in style and content. Jsattele@aol.com

After a day of rippin' all over the 'net, a down-homey dish is down right comforting.

Stewed Potatoes

* potatoes (quantity depending on number of servings wanted). Peel or simply wash according to preference. (I usually peel white potatoes, or simply wash and slice if I'm using red potatoes.) Slice potatoes in 1/4 inch slices.
* onion (medium or large - again depending on number of servings.) Cut in half and slice into 1/4 inch thick half-rings.
* 4 rashers of bacon, cut into 1 inch sections and fried.
* salt, pepper, garlic, and/or seasoned salt to taste

In a heavy pot, fry the bacon until crisp. Toss sliced potatoes and onions together, adding to the pan. (Why mess a bowl, throw directly into the pot.) Add seasonings and water until potatoes and onions are just covered. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat to low until potatoes are just tender.

Serve with cooking liquid in a bowl or use slotted spoon to drain and serve on a plate with meat and vegetables. Good with a little butter melted over the top. Parmesan is tasty too.

If you are watching your cholesterol intake, you can substitute a small amount of seasoned oil (spicy or whatever you prefer) for the bacon, and add some smoke flavored salt.

Optional ingredients:

* When serving you can top with parsley, either chopped fresh or dry flakes.
* If you like a little zip, you can add chopped cilantro rather than the parsley.
* You can prepare with sliced carrots, green peppers, mushrooms, and celery. Prepared this way, it almost makes a vegetarian meal in itself if you omit the bacon.
* You can season with Cayenne Pepper and/or Cajun spices if you like.
* Chopped green chili peppers are good as is green chili hot sauce.

These will keep covered in the refrigerator for a few days. They are great later when fried as an accompaniment to breakfast, etc. Or, you can simply reheat them, but the potatoes do disintegrate a bit unless you've used red potatoes.

These went very nicely with Pork Loaf above - good contrast to the sweet.

~~~

Apples are more efficient at waking you up than caffeine.

If you got it, you don't need a definition ... If you ain't got it, no definition will do. - Louie Armstrong
 
 The 57 on the Heinz ketchup bottle represents the number of varieties of pickles the company once had.

~~~

Frozen Chocolate Banana Treat

1½ cups chocolate wafer cookies crumbs (about 30 wafers)
1/4 cup sugar
3 Tbls. margarine or butter, melted
14 oz. can sweetened condensed milk
2/3 cup chocolate flavor syrup
2 small ripe bananas, smashed
2 cups (1 pint) whipping cream, whipped

Line 9 x 5 loaf pan with aluminum foil, extending foil above sides of pan; butter foil. Combine wafer crumbs, sugar and margarine; press firmly on bottom and halfway up sides of prepared loaf pan. In a large bowl, combine sweetened condensed milk, syrup and bananas; mix well. Fold in whipped cream. Pour into prepared pan; cover. Freeze 6 hours or until firm. To serve, remove from pan; peel off foil. Garnish as desired; slice.

~~~

Snack Attack

Feel guilty when you sneak a snack? Don't - between-meal-munching actually may be good for you.

 A University of Toronto study found that people who ate the equivalent of three meals divided into five or six mini-meals and snacks throughout the day had significantly lower blood cholesterol levels and a lower heart disease risk than people who ate the same amount of food in three sittings.

Snack selection counts, of course, so skip the chips and candy bars, and opt for the healthy stuff, such as fruit and other complex carbs, and lean protein.

 Eating a diverse diet that is low in calories and high in nutrition can make you feel as much as 4 years younger.

~~~

How do you make sure no one steals your bagel? You put lox on it.

What do people from Texas call sushi? Bait.

What vegetable can you throw away the outside, cook the inside, eat the outside, and throw away the inside? Corn.

~~~

Campbell's Shortcut Stroganoff

Prep/cook time: 20 minutes

1 Tbsp. vegetable oil
1 lb. boneless beef sirloin steak strips
10¾ oz. Campbell's Cream of Mushroom or 98% Fat Free Cream of Mushroom Soup
1 can Campbell's Condensed Beef Broth
1 cup water
2 tsp. Worcestershire sauce
3 cups uncooked corkscrew pasta
1/2 cup sour cream

Heat oil in skillet. Add beef and cook until browned and juices evaporate, stirring often. Add soup, broth, water, Worcestershire and pasta. Heat to a boil. Cook over medium heat 15 min. or until done, stirring. Add sour cream. Heat through.

~~~

Vegetable Love

Do you carrot all for me?
My heart beets for you.
With your turnip nose
And your radish face,
You are a peach.
If we cantaloupe,
Lettuce marry.
We make a swell pear!

~~~

Black and White Strawberries

You've probably seen chocolate-dipped fruit in elegant restaurants. This version uses semisweet and white chocolate for a dramatic presentation.

1½ oz. semisweet chocolate chips
1½ tsp. framboise or raspberry liqueur
1/2 oz. white chocolate, chopped, or white chocolate chips
2 cups strawberries, with hulls attached (about 16 berries)

Line an 18-inch baking sheet with wax paper. In small microwavable bowl, combine chips, framboise and 1½ tsp. water; microwave on high 1½ minutes, stirring twice during cooking time. Holding 1 berry by the hull, dip halfway into the melted chocolate; set on wax paper. Repeat procedure with remaining berries and chocolate.

In small microwavable bowl, melt white chocolate in microwave on high power one minute, stirring once. With tines of a fork, drizzle white chocolate over strawberries. Refrigerate until chocolate has hardened. Serve chilled.

Salad Dressing

Diabetic - 1 serving

1/2 cup tomato juice
2 Tbls. lemon juice
1/2 tsp. horseradish
1 Tbls. onion, finely chopped
salt and pepper

Combine ingredients, refrigerate. Shake well before serving.

Let's Ear It for Corn

Here's a kernel of information you'll appreciate: That corn on the cob you're cooking on the barbecue comes with a bushel of health benefits.

For starters, the yellow-hued veggie contains soluble fiber, which helps get rid of artery-clogging cholesterol.

 Corn also is a supreme source of lutein, an antioxidant that may reduce your risk of colon cancer and age-related vision problems. And, as with beans, corn contains an abundance of the B vitamin, foliate, which helps prevent birth defects. Best of all, a single ear of corn contains only 80 calories.

~~~

From TigersRecipes4U@aol.com

Lady Fingers

2 cups unsifted flour
1/2 lb. butter or margarine
1/2 cup granulated sugar
1/2 cup nuts

Put all ingredients in bowl. Mix until mixture holds shape. Shape into pieces about 1/2 inch wide and 1½ inches long. Bake at 325° for 20 minutes or until golden brown. Cool about 2 minutes. Roll in powdered or additional granulated sugar. Yields 3 dozen.

Frozen Orange Juice Cookies

6 oz. can orange juice
1 pkg. vanilla wafers
1 lb. or 2 1/3 cup powdered sugar
1 cup soft butter or 12 oz. margarine
1 1/2 cup fine coconut

Cream butter. Add orange juice (do not dilute), powdered sugar and crushed wafers. Shape into small balls. Roll in fine coconut. Place on waxed paper overnight. Refrigerate or freeze.

More Orange Juice Cookies

1 cup sugar
1 cup Crisco
2 eggs
3 cups flour
1 tsp. baking soda
6 oz. can orange juice

Cream first 2 ingredients together. Add eggs one at a time. Sift flour, add soda and stir into mixture. Add 1/2 can of juice. Drop cookies by tsp. onto a cookie sheet. Brush the top of each with remaining OJ and sugar. Bake at 350° for 10 minutes or until done.

Italian Orange Juice Cookies

1/2 cup shortening, at room temperature
1/2 cup granulated sugar
3 eggs
1 tsp. vanilla
2½ cups all-purpose flour
1 Tbls. baking powder
1/2 cup orange juice
Icing sugar for rolling cookies

Preheat oven to 350°. Lightly grease one or two cookie sheets. Beat shortening with sugar in a large bowl until fluffy. Add eggs, one at a time, mixing well after each addition. Beat in vanilla. In a separate bowl, stir flour with baking powder. Beat in flour mixture, alternating with orange juice in two additions, until a soft dough forms (dough is quite sticky).

Put icing sugar in a shallow dish. Take about 1 Tbls. cookie dough and roll in icing sugar until it forms a ball and is covered in icing sugar. Don't worry if they aren't perfectly round. Place on prepared cookie sheet. Repeat with remaining dough, spacing about two inches apart. Bake in center of preheated oven for about 15 minutes, or until cookies are light brown on the bottom. Cool on a rack. Store in airtight container for up to four days. Refrigerate or freeze if you want to make them in advance (they actually taste amazing out of the freezer!). A little time-consuming to make, but definitely worth it. Yield: 3 dozen

~~~

Little something different here for

Rexanne's Web Review
Web Sites and Insights

Easier to show than tell ...
                               
Issue #25 August 29, 2000, Online Version

Getting better all the time! (IMHO)

Sponsored by Rexanne.com - Rexanne@rexanne.com

Hey, did anyone else read about the 5-year study that concluded with the benefits of drinking coffee? Seems people who drink coffee are five times less likely to develop Parkinson's disease! Researchers have speculated that the caffeine in coffee offers protection against the destruction of nerve cells in the brain thereby guarding against Parkinson's. Ya know, I carry on about chocolate being good for you, I've gone so far as to insist coffee can't be all bad ... I think we need to enjoy our consumptions. We need to allow ourselves more pleasure in life. Because every five years or so, there's a new study that counters another study! (Ain't that the truth.) Now, all they have to do is come up with research that proves cigarettes cure a myriad of conditions and I'll live happily ever after! ;-)

You all are really getting into the spirit of "feedback" and I love you for it! Lots of reader's comments, input and help this week. Here they are:

~~~

Janet had some very enlightening information regarding our home schooling topic from last week:

"I imagine the reason you didn't get a response (on your request for homeschool info.) is that most homeschool parents are very busy studying, teaching, and (if they have any spare time) catching up on all the other stuff that's going on around the home. I don't homeschool now, but I did, and that was my pattern."

I'm gonna stop my whining! LOL! Thank you for your input Janet.

~~~

Deanna wrote about last week's natural remedies: "I love your page this week, especially the 'Tips/Tricks' Natural Remedies ... must try them to see if they work, but isn't there anything besides oysters for the memory problem?? YUCK!! LOL!"

Oh, my sentiments exactly, Deanna! Oysters make me gag! I'll just continue blaming my memory loss on distractions and my kids! LOL!

~~~

Dennis also liked the natural remedies from last week: "I like onions on just about everything. I also have asthma. Guess my body is pretty smart for telling me this in the form of what I hunger for. When people like my sister would tell me I use too much salt and pepper on things, I'd say: 'my body knows what it wants' ... this is a confirmation! She doesn't like milk but would try to drink it because it's 'good for you' and it turns out that dairy products were causing her migraines. Have to listen to our bodies and next time someone says ice cream isn't good for you, tell them your body needs it. Good issue, thanks ..."

Thank you Dennis! This is good information to pass on.

~~~

And Marsha sent in a link for her herbal remedy page: "The nutritional tips in your last newsletter made me think that I should send you my web page on the Herbal Medicine chest."

Thank you for sharing Marsha!

~~~

Quote of the Week: Neither a lofty degree of intelligence nor imagination nor both together go to the making of genius. Love, love, love, that is the soul of genius. - Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart

~~~

My commentary on the Parenting Topic of the Week ... The best so far. Rexanne has really taken off. I promise you will enjoy her love of life, ingenious and ingenuous style (sometimes controversial), general info, links, tid-bits and what-have-you, be you parent or  kid-allergic. Even her ad commentary is entertaining.

More ... an excerpt

For parents or caretakers, there is a responsibility that goes with the nurturing of such a personality (gifted). These children need to be intellectually stimulated more than average and need greater outlets for their mental creativity. Sometimes, parents of these kids are hard-pressed to keep up, either financially or intellectually. The more parents and caretakers can offer these remarkable young ones, the greater their chance of reaching their potential as outstanding individuals in our society.

Let's explore what the 'net has to offer in articles and information on the gifted ones ...

Link 1 will explain the early signs of giftedness:
http://familyeducation.com/article/0,1120,1-7971,00.html

Link 2 is a comprehensive explanation of giftedness in children and why our public schools need continued funding for gifted programs:
http://www.nagc.org/ParentInfo/index.html

Link 3 is a wonderful article on parenting your gifted child:
http://www.nagc.org/Publications/Parenting/Smutney.htm

Link 4 will explain how to discipline a gifted child without losing the battle to someone smarter than you! LOL! Read on:
http://www.nagc.org/Publications/Parenting/discipline.html

Have an opinion about this topic or a story to share? Please send it: Rexanne@rexanne.com

~~~

Food and Cooking Site of the Week: 2 Grumpy Guys in the Kitchen

Meet Lee and Don, two grumpy guys who cook. I think, to understand this site and my fascination with it, you need to visit the "about us" page before you become lost in the plethora of recipes they've compiled for our extreme pleasure.

Don and Lee have recipes for everything from Aunt Matilda's Baked Knephla and Papaya Salad to Veal Shanks with Cherries and Tabouleh. Whoa ... who's gonna make that?! LOL! If you do, let us all know, please!

Ladies, the recipes here are "guy tested." So, if you're looking to impress the men in your life, this would be a good place to search for guys-will-love-it recipes. My male readers will feel right at home in the kitchen after taking a tour of Two Grumpy Guys. Might want to impress the ladies in your lives by tying on an apron men! ;-)

Enjoy this culinary adventure through Don and Lee's pages!

Don't forget, while all my contributors run my ad blurb, Rexanne and I are in touch every day - she always has the latest on what's what and new around here for announcement. Subscribe for reliable notification, you can't count on me. Altho, the experiment with self-addressed Es is working pretty well. See details bottom of page. Still ... better to be sure ... subscribe: subscribe-rwr@rexanne.com

~~~

The RWR Tip of the Week happened to be a recipe.

Edible Play Dough

1 cup peanut butter
1 cup corn syrup
1¼ cup powdered sugar
1¼ cup powdered milk

Mix ingredients to get a good consistency for modeling. Kids could create something and then eat it.

Sounds positively delicious, Kat ... LOL! The kids will love it. Thank you!

~~~

Freebie of the Week: Presentation Folder

Designed by Nicky, who is so sure you'll love these folders, he (or she!) is giving away samples just to get you hooked. ;-)

These are super for school projects, business presentations, investment data and any other use you can think of. You can see the actual folder you'll be getting on the home page of this site.

Thank you, Nicky!

~~~

Weekly Time Waster - Because life is supposed to be fun!

Online Bowling

If it's hard for you to imagine bowling online, you'll come away from this site with a changed point of view! Too fun!

Brunswick has created an online bowling game almost as good as the real thing. You won't have the benefit of physical exercise, but you will be able to throw a hook, Brooklyn or whatever you want with your choice of ball. There's also the added reality of slick lanes and you will get "tapped" with those nasty splits just like in a real bowling alley!

~~~

Featured Home Page of the Week: Creation

This page is so awesome, I had to share it with you all as the home page of the week, even though it really is a presentation designed for children.

The music, graphics and message here are exceptionally beautiful and inspiring. Yes, it is a "religious" page. Mind you, I would never preach my religion or, more appropriately, my spiritual philosophy in this newsletter. But I feel this page transcends much of the differences in our spiritual beliefs and just offers a lovely, touching rendition of Creation.

I think you'll enjoy the majesty of this page. :-)

Like I said, try it, you'll like it - subscribe to RWR today ...

Mother Necessity Inventions and Fixes

I am not one to drop everything and run to the store when surely something around here will work.

Have a wooden piggy welcome sign that never has hung straight because of the tooth-type hanger placement. Off just enuf to be irritating - I cut two half-inch pieces of magnetic tape strip and stuck on the back of the high side - exactly the right, light weight to balance.

Submit your Thunk-'em-ups - do it now before you forget ...

TheRealMartha@Mindspring.com

My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it's gone.

More Tips

Use a plate or platter as a cutting board. Much more sanitary than wood albeit a little hard on knives - buy sets of cheapies to be pitched whenever. Handy to have extras for opening packages, odd jobs, etc.

Bubba and I never can seem to get together over a catalog. Now that we're finally back in a real home, all that wonderful junk mail is stuffing the box. The Harriet Carter catalog always did have stuff you can live without but dang some of it is sure handy. I decided to mark a few things with a rating system (could really use, helpful, nice to have, just for fun, etc.). Now, Bubba can order the stuff and surprise me. Guys, try it with your tool, sports and auto catalogs too. Your sweeties will appreciate it.

Thanks to whoever ran the "chalk line stops ants" thing - it does. Never lived long once they got inside - sure is nice not having to clean up the stiffs. Had to put the line outside on the concrete floor in the breezeway - wouldn't stick to linoleum. As I was drawing it, two of the little buggers turned away - haven't had one inside since.

Try rubbing a cut lemon over a coffee or tea stain on your counter.

Try a coupla shots of red wine vinegar in chicken salad ... ooh-ooh, zipper-roo.

Try using one less can water to dilute concentrated juice.

We don't drink coffee or hot tea, so the cups that came with a new set of dishes would just be in the way if I didn't use them for juice. I imagine that would make kids feel very grown-up.

I need a work table and extra book storage/display space. Been checking the sales for cheap wood shelving. Will have a piece of plywood cut to specifications to fit shelves used for support to take full advantage of limited area. The unit in the corner will be a tall one - on the open end, a shorty.

  I keep a small porcelain jar full of talcum powder in my window sill behind the kitchen sink. When grease splatters miss my apron and land on my good clothes, I pat a little talc on the spot. After a while the talc has soaked up the grease and makes a little bit of "dough." I just pull it off and Ta da! No stain. Adapted from gawd-only-knows-which newsletter.

My short term memory may be shot ... but it makes it easier to have a clear conscience.

Recyclers

Need ideas (other than baked goods cooling rack) for a forsaken refrigerator shelf. It was here - doesn't belong to this fridge. Free cookbook in the deal :) and for any other NOOMs (new ones on me).

Check out The Frugal Life. This page is devoted to uses for TP and paper towel rolls. Storing panty hose in TPs is one of the best ideas. I keep my produce, bread and other plastic bags (even "clean" zippers) in a PT roll (don't forget foil and waxed paper rolls too). Turn bags inside out and hang on a clip (on fridge door) if wet. Wrap potential stinkers and sugary containers before tossing.

Every week there's a new item up for suggestions at Frugal Life, check them all ('specially if you're a pack rat like me!) as well as the rest of the site for general money-saving strategies.

Speaking of pack-rattyness ...

Can't stand to throw out good denim, love the different shades of fade mixed together. These are two quilts made from out-of-service jeans (holes in the knees, not good enuf to give to Goodwill). I did have to buy a little fabric, mostly remnants tho.

Cut circles using a dessert size plate for the big one and a plastic bowl for the other template. The circles turn into hexagons by whip or blanket stitching the sides together in sections, raw side up. I used leftover embroidery floss, lotsa colors. Very cool effect. Every time they're washed the fraying looks even better too. Hope I've made the instructions clear, if not, please ask. You could dress them up by stitching a pattern, or maybe flowers, too.

I've also made tote bags, place mats, potholders, hot pads and coasters out of denim - millions of ways to recycle.

Now don't go telling the whole world about this. Hours of intense comtemplation preceded the decision to blow my reputation. One of my personalities do dig that handicrafty domesticity.

Show off your creations (not necessarily denim) and pics if you have 'em. Please be specific in subject line - I'm watchin' downloads very carefully.

AltMartha@aol.com

~~~

Peevers

Bubba did the shopping so this one's his fault. Let it serve as a warning. Really look at what's in a bag of lettuce. A bag that was labeled Romaine mix, and now I forget the exact wording to the effect it was loaded with Romaine, had exactly one Romaine leaf.

Always inspect spinach in a bag carefully too, shake it around. I've had (Bubba boo-boo again) baby spinach that looked like it was ready for Social Security.

~~~

From MommieMail@aol.com, a list of Moms, those pregnant and those trying to conceive. Each day a single BCC mail is sent to the group that contains: News from other members, questions, advice, tips, freebies, jokes, stories, poems and recalls. "This is a very friendly group come join us."

Tips

When I make deviled eggs, I find it much easier to place the yolks and mayonnaise and whatever seasoning you like in a ziploc bag and mush it all together. It's easier to break up the yolks and then you can snip off the corner of the bag and use it as a pastry bag to fill your eggs - No waste! It works great.

Fix those spoils in the kitchen ...

Some of these have run on previous pages - some waaaay back, however, always good to have reminders.
 
 If a soup or stew is too salty, add raw cut potatoes. Discard them after they have cooked - they will have absorbed the salt.
 
 If a soup or stew is too sweet, add salt. If a main dish or vegetable is too sweet, add a tsp. of cider vinegar.
 
 Can't remember if an egg is fresh or hard boiled? Just spin the egg. If it wobbles, it's raw. If it spins easily, it's hard boiled.
 
 A fresh egg will sink in water, a stale one will float. (An easy way to remember is as they age, the insides shrink, developing air space.)

An egg white is easiest to beat at room temperature. Take the egg out of the refrigerator about 1/2 hour before using.

For light, fluffy scrambled eggs, add a little water while beating the eggs. Add vinegar to the water when boiling eggs. It acts like a seal.
 
 To avoid 'onion eyes' peel under cold water or refrigerate (or  freeze) before chopping.
 
 To perk up soggy lettuce, add lemon juice to a bowl of cold water and soak lettuce for an hour in the refrigerator.

When cooking carrots, peas, beets or corn, add a small amount of sugar to the water to keep the flavor. To keep sweet corn yellow, add one tsp. lemon juice to the cooking water about a minute before taking off the stove. Never salt the water you cook corn in. It will only toughen the corn. (Lots of people recommend adding sugar.)
 
 Store celery and lettuce in paper bags, not plastic. Leave the outside leaves and stalks alone until ready to use.
 
 Sunlight doesn't ripen tomatoes, warmth does. Store tomatoes with stems pointed down and they will stay fresher longer.
 
 Meat loaf will not stick if you place a slice of bacon on the bottom of the pan.
 
 To soften rock-hard brown sugar, add a slice of soft bread to the package and close the bag tightly. In a few hours the sugar will be soft again.
 
 Place green fruits in a perforated plastic bag. The holes will allow air to circulate while retaining the ethylene gas that fruits produce during ripening.
 
 Remove fat from soups and stews by dropping ice cubes into the pot. The fat will cling to the cubes as you stir. Take out the cubes before they melt. Or you can also wrap the ice cubes in cheesecloth or paper towel and skim over the top of the pot. Fat also clings to lettuce leaves.
 
 Poke a hole in the middle of hamburger patties while shaping them. The burgers will cook faster and the holes disappear when done.
 
 For fluffier, whiter rice, add one tsp. of lemon juice per liter (quart) of water. To add extra flavor and nutrition to rice, cook it in liquid reserved from cooking vegetables.
 
 Marshmallows won't dry out when frozen.
 
 If your stew is slightly burnt, milk will take the burnt taste out.
 
 The best way to thaw fish is in milk. The milk draws out the frozen taste and gives the fish a fresh flavor. Try freezing it in milk in first place.

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag.

~~~

Mom's Brownies

Remove Teddy bear from oven and preheat to 375°. Remove Teddy bear and tell Jr. "No, no." Melt 1 cup margarine in saucepan. Add margarine to 2 cups sugar. Take shortening can away from Jr. and clean cupboards. Measure 1/3 cup cocoa. Take shortening can away from Jr. again and bathe cat. Apply antiseptic and bandages to scratches sustained while removing shortening from cat's tail. Assemble 4 eggs, 2 tsp. vanilla, and 1½ cups sifted flour.

Take smoldering Teddy bear from oven and open all doors and windows for ventilation. Take telephone away from Billy and assure party on the line the call was a mistake. Call operator and attempt to have direct dialed long distance call removed from bill. Measure 1 tsp. salt, 1/2 cup nuts and beat all ingredients well. Let cat out of refrigerator. Pour mixture into well-greased 9 x 13 pan. Bake 25 minutes. Rescue cat and take razor away from Billy. Explain to kids that you have no idea if shaved cats will sunburn. Throw cat outside while he's still able to run away.

Frosting

Mix the following in saucepan: 1 cup sugar, 1 oz. unsweetened chocolate, 1/4 cup margarine. Take the darn Teddy bear out of the @#$% broiler and throw it away; far away. Answer the door and meekly explain to nice policeman that you didn't know Jr. had slipped out of the house and was heading for the street. Put Jr. in playpen.

Add 1/3 cup milk and dash of salt and boil, stirring constantly for 2 minutes. Answer door and apologize to neighbor for Billy having stuck a garden hose in man's front door mail slot. Promise to pay for ruined carpet. Tie Billy to clothesline. Remove burned brownies from oven.

No wonder I like dogs better than kids!

Have you ever wished for a dog that was already trained and needed a good home? You may consider contacting your local police department to see if they have a canine unit. Usually a dog or two in every training class that just are not cut out for the work. Usually these dogs will make fine pets, just not good police dogs. Many times the police department will put your name on a waiting list for one of these dogs or a retiring police dog.

 Puppy's Prayer
 
 Now I lay me down to sleep,
 The king-size bed is soft and deep,
 I sleep right in the center groove.
 My human being can hardly move!
 I've trapped her legs, she's tucked in tight
 And here is where I pass the night
 No one disturbs me or dares intrude
 Till morning comes and "I want food!"
 I sneak up slowly to begin
 My nibbles on my human's chin.
 She wakes up quickly,
 I have sharp teeth-
 I'm a puppy, don't you see?
 For the morning's here
 And it's time to play
 I always seem to get my way.
 So thank you Lord for giving me
 This human person that I see.
 The one who hugs and holds me tight
 And shares her bed with me at night!

Author unknown

From The PUBlication newsletter, subscribe at LadeLade@aol.com. Find more PUB below critter links list.

~~~

Ed loved taking Rusty the dog for his evening walk and was proud when his son, Little Johnny, began asking to go along on Rusty's evening walks. Little Johnny was an observant and curious child and one evening asked his father, "Daddy, why does Rusty always sniff that phone pole when we take him for his walk?"

How does one explain the way animals mark their territory to a 6 year old? Stalling for time Ed asked, "What do you think he's doing Johnny?" Little Johnny frowned in concentration, then brightened and said, "I know!  I Know! He's checking his P-Mail!"

Critter Links

Dogs Help Us Eat Better

Just My Dog

A must-read, (s)he's not just a dog.

 The Boston Tooter

Dog's Eye View hosted by Miss Liberty, M.E. (Mutt Extraordinaire)

Puppies are so Cute, But ...

Includes Spay/Neuter Myth Busting article, both written by Miss Liberty - please print copies for distribution.

"Old dogs, like old shoes, are comfortable. They might be a bit out of shape and a little worn around the edges, but they fit well." - Bonnie Wilcox 'Old Dogs, Old Friends'

The International Courtesy Whiz Exchange

The Ultimate Style

Whizzin' on a Cloud (A tribute to Miss Liberty)

Stuff that'll Really Get Ya

Lotsa Libbys

Do You Know a Libby?

Fave Sites

  Loads of critter links, includes Lib's Paws and Claws on the Keyboard award and winners.

 da Dude Award
The Boston Tooter's You Dude a Great Page and winners.

Caricatures by Rina
A friend's page that I "host" - excellent pet caricatures.

  Buster's Party

A kitty shower, featuring Kitty Litter Cake.

Happy 4th from Miss Liberty

Includes Kitty Litter Cake recipe.

~~~

More PUB

LadeLade@aol.com

Whenever I purchase a box of S.O.S Pads, I immediately take a pair of scissors and cut each pad into halves. After years of having to throw away rusted and unused, smelly pads, I finally decided that this would be much more economical. And now a box of S.O.S pads lasts me indefinitely! In fact, I have noticed that the scissors get sharpened this way!

Opening brand new jars can be a feat in itself. Instead of banging a jar of jam, pickles, etc., with a knife until it loosens up, I reach into the drawer and pull out the handy nutcracker. It adjusts to the size of the jar and I simply give it a good twist and off pops the lid!

~~~

Beer Batter for Fish

Recipe #1
Start with one cup flour, 1/2 tsp. salt, and flat beer. If the beer is not flat, open it and put it in the fridge until it flattens somewhat. Make a very thin batter, the consistency of pancake batter. You can salt the fish instead of adding salt to the batter if you wish. Dip fish in batter and deep fry.

Recipe #2
1 cup all-purpose flour
3 Tbls. cornstarch
1 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. paprika (optional)
1 cup beer
1 Tbls. vegetable oil

In a medium bowl, mix dry ingredients. Blend in beer and vegetable oil until smooth. Dip fish into batter and deep fry.

The Clothesline

A clothesline was a news forecast
To neighbors passing by.
There were no secrets you could keep
When clothes were hung to dry.

It also was a friendly link
For neighbors always knew
If company had stopped on by
To spend a night or two.

For then you'd see the fancy sheets
and towels on the line;
You'd see the comp'ny tablecloths
With intricate design.

The line announced a baby's birth
To folks who lived inside
As brand new infant clothes were hung
So carefully with pride.

The ages of the children could
So readily be known
By watching how the sizes changed
You'd know how much they'd grown.

It also told when illness struck,
As extra sheets were hung;
Then nightclothes, and a bathrobe, too,
Haphazardly were strung.

It said, "Gone on vacation now"
When lines hung limp and bare.
It told, "We're back!" when full lines sagged
With not an inch to spare.

New folks in town were scorned upon
If wash was dingy gray,
As neighbors raised their brows, and looked
Disgustedly away.

But clotheslines now are of the past
For dryers make work less.
Now what goes on inside a home
Is anybody's guess

I really miss that way of life.
It was a friendly sign
When neighbors knew each other best
By what hung on the line!

Marilyn Walker 

~~~

Vintage ad personalities adopted

"Betty Boop's half twin-sisters - unlike their glamorous sibling, who went on to a racy life of fame and innuendo, Kwik and Eezy toiled in the scullery department. Perhaps they chose their stage names in hopes of drawing on Betty's salacious appeal; it now seems a little cheap and desperate. But they are hard workers, tireless and cheerful." - Lileks

Had to have these girls, part of a most engaging collection of orphans - check them all out - what a time trip.

The Orphanage of Cast-off Mascots

~~~

From Jeanie (and my reply, always fun to read other people's mail.)

First - I love your website!  

Thanks - have just visited you. What a treat! We are soul sisters girl. Have had the hots for Tommy Lee Jones for years. Lonesome Dove is one of my all time faves. Read the book first, have read it gawd knows how many times since. Funny thing, I got into the whole thing because of TLJ, then fell in love with Augustus. Tommy Lee was killer in the movie tho, no doubt and everything else he's ever done. Great to know it's on DVD now - guess where I'll be going tomaro (~.*)

I've only started to delve into it but I'm looking forward to discovering all of the neat things you have to offer. It's easy to get sidetracked on your page - you've got such great links.

So I'm told ... double-edged sword I guess.

 I'd like my page Dining with the Sopranos to be considered as a "Less-than-Fivers" candidate, and I'd love to use your icon. I have icons to indicate recipes using number of ingredients.

Very cool. Take your pick of LTF Tags, I also have the Right Royal Piggin' Awards.

 My latest idea is a Web page of 5- and/or 4-ingredient or less recipes that might be interesting for Tony Soprano's teenage kids to make. I'm going to introduce this page soon. (It's up - terrific too.)

Also very cool, more LTFs will make the world a better place!
 
 I have some humor on the page, as well, including a story about Martha Stewart

In my humble opinion, you should be writing professionally - hilarious.
 
 I think you'd have to be a fan of the 'Sopranos' show to understand all of the references in this.

I know of the show but have never watched, I will now.

  I also wrote a story about Martha Stewart on another one of my pages, Tommy Lee Jones - An Homage. Again, I think you'd have to know a lot about Tommy Lee Jones' films to understand all of the references. It was a lot of fun to write these stories.

 I want to order a cookbook soon, and maybe get one for my daughters. Meantime, here's my favorite easy recipe:
 
 My Favorite Stir Fry
 
 meat (beef, chicken, pork, or shrimp)
 2 packets Ramen Noodles (same flavor as the meat)
 1 bag frozen mixed vegetables of your choice
 soy sauce

 Slice meat thinly, or chop. Place vegetables in 2 qt. saucepan with a little water. Bring to a boil. Break Ramen Noodles into small pieces and put in pot with vegetables. Cover, remove from heat and set aside. In a wok or large, heavy skillet with a lid, stir fry meat until done. Drain any remaining water from vegetables and noodles. Add contents of seasoning packets from the Ramen Noodles and stir  well. Mix well with meat. Season with soy sauce. Add the stir-fry sauce of your choice if desired. To vary the recipe, use leftover rice instead of noodles. My children loved this dish and still talk about it, although they are now grown.
 
 Here's another 4-ingredient favorite:
 
 Baked Chicken
 
 1 cup packaged bread crumbs
 1 pkg. dried onion soup mix
 1/2 cup mayonnaise
 2 or 3 boneless skinless chicken breasts, halved
 
 Combine bread crumbs and soup mix in a plastic bag. Brush chicken liberally all over with mayonnaise. Place chicken, one piece at a time, in bag and shake to coat well. Arrange on a rack in a broiler pan. Bake at 425° for about 30 minutes, or until tender.
 
 And here's a helpful hint:
 
 Keep frozen chopped onions, green peppers and mushrooms handy in your freezer. So many recipes call for just a small amount of onions or green peppers. Using the frozen variety, I don't waste ingredients. And it's great to have the frozen mushrooms on hand to add to a variety of dishes. Yeah, yeah - they always say 'fresh' is better. But I don't always have the time and, frankly, I'd rather make a 'homemade' dish using these frozen shortcuts than thawing out a TV dinner.

Fresh ain't better unless ya picked it yourself - got proof all over the place.

Jeanie's place is spectacular - movie stills and all. There are too many sections and features to mention individually, just go there. Recipes alone are worth the trip. You can even bestow upon them a 1 - 5 tomatoes rating.

~~~

You're funny! I'm not. I'm not Martha either. Mary Jane

~~~

I wrote to Gary Foreman, a former purchasing manager, who currently edits the Dollar Stretcher website after he ran an article from Kaylin Cherry of Real Recipes for Real People.

As far as stretching a buck goes, I believe, for beginners anyway, it's better to spend a few cents more on packaged products to guarantee results than to waste money throwing out a from-scratch disaster.

Do you have something that shows how some basic packaged products can actually save money? That would be great for our audience.

Nothing specific at present, it's more a general "rule" than anything. For instance, why try spaghetti sauce - way too easy to mess up spices and ruin beyond repair - when there are so many excellent varieties available in jars.

Outcome: I need to get an article together, your ideas would be most appreciated too. NOOM/free cookbook deal applies.

~~~

Editor Crazy Martha of Hillbilly Cornbread has been a bit under the weather. Need some good thoughts going her way. Subscribe to Pen Pal Ads, Recalls, Butterbean Jean's Samples and Freebie links, Puter and Garden Tips: HilbilCorn@aol.com. Subscribe to separate recipe list: AngelSftEyz@aol.com

~~~

Fancy-schmanchys from DragonsKitchen@aol.com Not to worry, detailed instructions all around.

Traverse City Cherry Duck Breasts

1/2 cup dried tart cherries
1 slice whole-grain bread
2 oz. thinly sliced prosciutto
2 Tbls. finely sliced fresh basil leaves or 2 tsp. prepared pesto
salt and freshly ground black pepper
4 small duck breasts (each 5 to 6 oz. for a total weight of 1 2/3 to 1 3/4 lb.)

Preheat the oven to 450°. In a small saucepan, bring 1/2 cup water to a boil over high heat. Add the 1/2 cup cherries, turn off the heat, and let plump for 2 to 3 minutes. Tear bread into pieces and put in food processor; process to fine crumbs. Finely dice the prosciutto. Slice enough fresh basil leaves to measure 2 Tbls. In a bowl, combine the bread crumbs, prosciutto and basil. Drain the cherries, reserving the water. Add the cherries to the bread mixture. Add enough of the soaking water (about 1 to 2 Tbls.) so the stuffing stays together. Mix well, then season with salt and pepper. With a small knife, score the skin of each duck breast in a crosshatch pattern. Do not cut the meat, only the skin. (This allows the fat from the skin to render off.) Lay each breast on the counter, skin side down. Insert a small knife positioned parallel to the work surface into the breast on one side to make a pocket. Don't cut the breast all the way through, just an opening on the thick side of the breast, halfway through. Make pockets in the remaining breasts in the same manner. Stuff each pocket with one fourth of the stuffing, pressing the opening to close.

Heat a heavy 9- or 10-inch sauté pan over high heat. Lay the breasts, skin side down, in the pan and cook until the skin is browned, about 4 minutes. Flip the breasts and cook about 1 to 2 minutes. Transfer to a baking dish and place in the hot oven. (Do not wash out the sauté pan; you will use it for the pan sauce.) Roast the breasts 6 to 8 minutes. (They should be medium-rare to medium when they come out of the oven.) Let stand and slice right before serving. Arrange the slices on four dinner plates. Spoon the cherry pan sauce (below) over the duck.

Cherry Pan Sauce

1/2 cup dried tart cherries
1 cup balsamic vinegar
salt and freshly ground black pepper

Drain all but 1 Tbls. fat from the pan used for the duck. Heat over high heat. Add the cherries and cook for 20 to 30 seconds. Add the vinegar and bring to a boil. Boil over high heat until reduced by almost half and slightly thickened, about 5 to 7 minutes. Add salt and pepper to taste. Keep warm, covered.

FYI - Duck breasts come in different sizes. For this menu you need pieces that weigh about 5 to 6 oz. each - they cook more quickly. Choose breasts with the skin on, but have your butcher trim off any excess skin.

Duck is best served medium-rare or medium. (Salmonella is not a problem with duck.) It has the hearty, luscious flavor of beef. As the meat itself is fairly low in fat, when duck is overcooked, the meat tends to resemble the texture of shoe leather.

Dried tart cherries (from Traverse City, Michigan) have a mysterious and delightful flavor-enhancing quality. They make a great snack, are perfect for using in desserts, and shine with meats - like duck - and vegetables too.

Slow-Scrambled Eggs on a Bed of Roasted Tomatoes

few pounds of plum tomatoes
thyme
coarse salt
couple onions
half dozen garlic cloves
cup or so of chicken stock
couple Tbls. tomato paste
olive oil
about a dozen eggs
butter
salt and pepper

Turn oven to 350° degrees. Peel the tomatoes by scoring the skin on their ends with a little "X,"and then plunging into boiling water for 30 seconds or so, until you see the skin begin to lift. Remove from hot water and plunge in ice water to cool. Then drain and remove the peels. Slice in half, squeeze out the seeds. Put the halves on a rack (with their cores facing up). Sprinkle generously with salt and thyme. Put in oven until they begin to shrivel. It will take at least one hour, maybe more.

Meanwhile, chop the onion and garlic. Start sautéing over low heat in a bit of olive oil. Keep sautéing until onions turn a nice golden color. Stir the tomato paste into the onion and garlic mixture. When the tomatoes are done, add most of them to the mixture. You want to save just enough to put one or two halves on top of each plate. Add chicken broth and simmer, stirring, until the tomatoes have dissolved into the mixture. Adjust the texture with more chicken stock, so it's not at all soupy, but not too dense.

Now scramble the eggs: Melt some butter in a pan over very low heat. Whisk the eggs with a few Tbls. tomato-onion mixture. Pour them into the butter and begin stirring gently. The heat should be so low that the eggs will seem as though they're not even cooking; but  then, after about 10 minutes, they'll suddenly start to thicken. Take off the heat the moment they become thick and creamy and curdy, the texture of very thick pancake batter. If you're feeling indulgent, stir in some extra virgin olive oil. Spoon a pillow of tomato-onion mixture on each plate and spoon eggs on top. Top with a tomato chunk or two.

Henry Clay's Southern Style Mint Julep

(Courtesy of Jim Hewes, bartender at the Willard Hotel in Washington, DC)

6 - 8 mint leaves
one tsp. sugar
bourbon
spring water

lemon and powdered sugar for garnish

Place leaves, sugar and a small measure of bourbon in a crystal tumbler. Gently muddle with a spoon. Fill glass with freshly cracked ice and vigorously stir. Refill with more ice. Add equal measures of bourbon and spring water to fill glass. Place a sprig of fresh mint on top, zest with a twist of lemon and dust with powdered sugar.

Baked Pears with Irish Mist

4 dessert pears
1/4 stick butter
3 Tbls. brown sugar
juice of 1 orange
2 ½ Tbls. Irish Mist liqueur
2 ½ Tbls. cream

Peel, core and halve pears. Place flat side down in a shallow casserole. Melt butter and sugar in orange juice over very low heat. Add Irish Mist. Pour over pears and bake at 400° for 20 - 25 minutes, basting with liquid and turning pears over once or twice. Remove from oven. Pour the cream over the pears and serve at once.

Apricot Palatschinken
From chef and author Wolfgang Puck

Palatschinken translates as "pancakes with filling." The recipe for apricot crepes is very easy to follow. Send your taste buds on a European vacation!

Ingredients for the crepe

1 egg
1 tsp. sugar
pinch of salt
1/2 cup plus 2 Tbls. all-purpose flour
3 Tbls. melted butter
2/3 cup milk
1 Tbls. butter (save for frying pan)

In a small stainless steel mixing bowl, whisk together the ingredients in the order given above, creating a smooth batter. Put the batter through a strainer to get rid of any lumps. Cover it with plastic and let it rest in the refrigerator for one hour. If you prefer, prepare the batter a day ahead of time. Remove the batter from the refrigerator and stir. Brush a 12-inch nonstick frying pan with butter and put it on a low to medium heat. Ladle approximately 1 oz. of the batter into the pan, twirling by hand in a circular motion to create a very thin crepe. Cook until golden, approximately 1 minute on each side.

Ingredients for the apricot compote

1 lb. apricots (about 6 medium) sliced in eighths
1/2 cup sugar
2 tsp. vanilla extract
4 Tbls. orange juice
1 Tbls. lemon juice

In a medium saucepan, combine orange juice, lemon juice, sugar and 2 tsp. vanilla extract. Bring to a boil. Add all of the apricots. Cook for 2 to 3 minutes.

Presentation: Put 2 Tbls. of the apricot preserves into a crepe. Roll or fold it in half twice to make a quarter. Dust the crepe with powdered sugar.
Recipe copyright ©2000 by Wolfgang Puck

Spicy Peaches

1 can peach halves
1/2 tsp. cinnamon
dash cloves
dash nutmeg

Combine peaches, syrup and spices. Bring to boil. Cover and simmer 10 minutes.

Pommes de Terre a l'Huile
(Potatoes in Oil)
from The Hemingway Cookbook by Craig Boreth.

1 lb. potatoes
6 Tbls. very fine olive oil
2 cloves garlic
salt and pepper
2 Tbls. dry white wine
2 Tbls. red wine vinegar
1 Tbls. beef broth

Wash and peel the potatoes. Place in a saucepan with enough cold salted water to cover. Bring to a boil and cook until tender, about 20 minutes. Drain and cut into slices as soon as they're cool enough to handle. Put the sliced potatoes into a medium bowl and toss gently with the olive oil, garlic and salt and pepper to taste. In a small saucepan, heat the wine, vinegar, and broth until hot. Pour over the potatoes and toss gently. Be sure to include plenty of bread for mopping up the sauce.

Stir Fried Corn Cobs, Snow Peas and Cucumbers

Feel free to experiment with different vegetables in this dish. Water chestnuts, fresh asparagus or baby bok choy are just a few possible additions.

2 Tbls. (30 ml) peanut or vegetable oil
1 tsp. (5 ml) sesame oil
2 cloves garlic, finely chopped
1/2 tsp. (2 ml) fresh ginger, finely chopped
15 oz. (440 g) can young corn cobs, drained
8 oz (250 g) snow peas
1 medium cucumber, peeled and thinly sliced
salt and freshly ground pepper to taste
1 Tbls. (15 ml) sesame seeds, lightly toasted

Heat the vegetable oil and sesame oil in a skillet over high heat. Add the garlic and ginger and stir for 5 seconds. Add the corn cobs and snow peas and cook for 1 minute, stirring constantly. Add the cucumbers and cook an additional 2 minutes, stirring constantly. Serve immediately, garnished with toasted sesame seeds.
Bon appetit from the Chef and staff at World Wide Recipes

Wisconsin Potato Cheese Soup
From The Peach Tree Kountry Kitchen in Boerne, Texas

2 Tbls. butter
1/3 cup chopped celery
1/3 cup chopped onion
4 cup diced, peeled potatoes
3 cup chicken broth
2 cup milk
1½ cup shredded cheddar cheese

In a large saucepan, melt butter over medium heat. Sauté celery and onion until tender. Add potatoes and broth. Cover and simmer until potatoes are tender, about 12 minutes. In batches, puree potato mixture. Return to saucepan. Stir in milk and seasonings. Add the cheese by the handfuls. Heat only until cheese is melted.

Italian Baked Chicken
From The Peach Tree Kountry Kitchen

1/4 cup diced onions
1/2 cup butter
1/2 cup Italian salad dressing
1/4 cup lemon juice
1/4 cup teriyaki marinade and sauce
2 cloves garlic, crushed
2 whole chicken breasts, split
salt and pepper
rice (Basmati if possible)

Combine first 6 ingredients in medium sauce pan. (I leave out the butter. Also we like the sauce so much over rice, we triple these ingredients.) Cook over medium heat until butter melts. I sear the chicken before putting it into the dish - helps to seal in the juices. Place chicken in a 12 x 8 x 2-inch baking dish. Sprinkle with salt and pepper. (We don't do this step.) Pour sauce over chicken. Bake uncovered at 325°  for 1 hour or until tender. Make rice before the hour is up. This is our favorite recipe. We even had it at out wedding reception.

Three little pigs went to a restaurant for dinner. The waiter asked if they would like something to drink.

The first piggy said, "I would like a Dr. Pepper." The second piggy said, "I would like a glass of tea," and the third piggy said, "I would like a glass of water."

 When the waiter brought the drinks, he asked if they were ready to   order. The first piggy said,would like a hamburger." The second piggy said, "I would like a steak," and the third piggy said, "I would like a glass of water."

When the piggies were finished eating, the waiter asked if they would like some dessert. The first piggy said, "I would like a hot fudge sundae." The second piggy said, "I would like a banana split," and the third piggy said, "I would like a glass of water."

When the piggies were finished with dessert, the waiter brought their check. Before he left the table, he asked the third little piggy why he ordered only water.
 
   No groans please ...
 
Scroll down ...
 
  A little farther ...

Do you really want to know?

OK ...

You have been warned ...

"Well, someone has to go wee wee all the way home."

My apologies to AllyKhatt@aol.com and TexasJayne@aol.com - their material is locked up. I have a rather peculiar system, however it was working so well, I killed originals before publishing this time. Write for samples, both newsletters have a good variety to offer.

~~~

A new contributor asked exactly what kind of recipes I wanted. I try to go for the unusual. Nonetheless the classics like the tuna thing (previous page) are every bit as important. Especially for beginners - it's a "belonging" or something. I remember feeling that anyway. If someone says ... Hmmm, that old tuna casserole would hit the spot ... you got it covered.

People pretty much know what I want so that cuts down a lot of excess. My sticky wicket is what I find while cruising. Can't resist :) You should see the stack of recipes I have waiting to try - never in a million years will they all happen. Not if I was feeding every branch of the service. Bubba even occasionally complains it's too much variety. He's no fun anyway, was afraid of that pork loaf. Didn't even try to bite him when he was shootin' it either. Wouldn't begin to consider a cold corn, bean, cucumber, onion, red wine vinegar and sugar amalgamation till I'd tried a bite. Wasn't bad actually, altho nothing to get excited about. Have to remind him all the time I haven't poisoned him ... yet.

You do have my solemn vow never to find a recipe here that calls for eggs separated. And you may have noticed I don't list number of servings. I try to be realistic. Who are you feeding after all? Tiny Tim or Big John?

Or OMG - what if it's these guys ...

What fuels the comedic mind?

An indepth interview with the staff of the

http://The-Comedy-Zone.com

Bill (Head Humorologist): Pizza and nachos are my favorite, but  I guess it depends on the comedy content. For writing and providing copy, just about anything that will fit on the desk and not make a mess out of the keyboard. For standup, anything that avoids flatulence ... unless that's part of the act.

Rod (Accounting and Analysis - Dead): <no comment>

Smiley (Content Coordinator): Never really thought about it. I usually just grab the scraps on the floor.

Manly Man: Beer and anything that lends itself to uninterrupted viewing of ESPN. I try to avoid oily foods, since it can cause problems with gripping my power tools.

Pizza and nachos ... sounds like take-out. My readers want to know what cooks. Every guy I've ever known has had a specialty. When you're alone and/or for a date.

Bill: Pizza ... and not take out! I make it from scratch ... dough, baking stone, shredded cheese .. all that stuff. The biggest challenge is getting a perfect dough. I do like to experiment as well and will whip open a cookbook and try something new. Meatloaf has me stumped. I can never get it to keep from falling apart.

Rod: <no comment>

Smiley: Cartoon characters don't cook! Jeez!

Manly: I don't view cooking as very manly ... that's something best left to the weaker sex.

What kind of food did you like as kids - the brain cell formative years, or of course in your cases, the malformative.

Bill: This will probably gross most folks out, but fried, whole belly clams were my favorite ... not those strips you get in the freezer. It's something that you don't see on menus outside of New England. Now I live in Florida and they're almost impossible to find down south.

Rod: <gurgle>

Smiley: In my younger days ... you know, when I was a T-shirt icon, you'd usually find me hanging around McDonalds. Their fries are pretty addictive. As I've gotten older, Burger King seems to taste better and gives me less indigestion.

Manly: Meat and potatoes.

What's the weirdest combo you ever concocted?

Bill: Hmmm ... that's a tough one. I used to make some weird energy drinks out of raw eggs and orange juice in a blender. Makes me sick thinking about that one ... next subject.

Rod: <zzzzzzz>

Smiley: Can I use a life-line on this one?

Manly: Well, one day I was trying to pour a patio and I just couldn't get the mix right. A bit too lumpy and I was concerned on how well it would set. So I went down to the local home improvement store and ... errr ... Oh, sorry. You meant food, huh?

It can't be all pizza and nachos, and is that at work or home?

Bill: Both! Seriously, the wife and I switch off on making dinner. Italian is her specialty and I always grab grill duty for steaks and burgers. We usually try for at least one night out for dinner ... oh ... about once every two weeks.

Rod: <no comment>

Smiley: <left to use the bathroom>

Manly: Hey, if it goes with beer, I'll order it.  

Usual midnight munchie?

Bill: Not much. After I hit my mid-thirties, midnight has become pretty much an unreachable hour. If I actually stay up that late, I might grab some popcorn while watching a movie.

Rod: <gurgle>

Smiley: If it's in the fridge ... fair game. Those little Red Baron pizzas are a favorite. Need to cut down on those, though. They really put on the inches!

Manly: I'm not late up myself since I like to get an early morning start to check on what new items arrive at the home improvement store.

Breakfast? Don't say cold pizza!

Bill: I'm not a big breakfast eater. If anything, it's usually peanut butter on toast. Some Sundays we'll run off to the local diner and grab eggs and such.

Rod: <no comment>

Smiley: And what's wrong with cold pizza?!!

Manly: There's nothing like breakfast steak and some eggs. Besides keeping the testosterone levels up, a hardy breakfast is ... well, just manly!

Favorite ice cream topping? Flavor ice cream too.

Bill: I really love peanut butter and chocolate on a sundae. Vanilla is about all I eat.

Rod: <no comment>

Smiley: Chocolate sprinkles. Great stuff, especially on chocolate ice cream. Hey, like you got any? This interview is making me hungry.

Manly: Nuts. I really like my nuts.

What do the ladies in your lives like to cook for you?

Bill: Like I said earlier, my wife does a great job with Italian stuff. Her lasagna is a real favorite.

Rod: <no comment>

Smiley:  I'm kind of between relationships right now. Can we ... like ... talk about something else? <sniff>

Manly: There are so many ... hmmm? Let me think ....

Ever been asked to "bring something" for a family or office gathering? Are you allowed at the holiday table?

Bill: No, I'd think they'd probably be scared of what might show up!
 
Rod: <no comment>

Smiley: I don't have any family ... well, there's Happy ... but we're estranged ... dammit ... this whole interview is getting me really depressed!

Manly: I don't think I've ever been asked to bring anything to a gathering ... but I always have my toolbox in the trunk. 

What's the strangest utensil (or vessel) you've ever used for cooking or eating?

Bill: Hmmm ... guess a pocket knife. When I was in the military, and we'd go out into the field, the damn plastic "silverware" was usually missing.

Rod: <gurgle>

Smiley: <left the room>

Manly: <left looking for Smiley>
 
Do you normally have to wash just your shirt or the whole ensemble after a meal? Damage done during cooking or eating?

Bill: I'm a neat eater, but a messy cook.  My wife is always giving me a hard time that the kitchen resembles a major disaster area after one of my sessions. I just can't get into the habit of cleaning as I go.

Rod: <no comment>

Smiley: <still missing>

Manly: <adjusting the toaster>

Worst kitchen havoc?

Bill: Not while cooking! It was when the garbage disposal got clogged. My wife had placed potato peelings in it and we had to practically take the whole sink apart. Luckily it was after dinner ... not a pretty sight!

Rod: <no comment>

Smiley: <back in room ... sniffling>

Manly: I could have fixed that in no time flat.  Last time I was at the local home improvement store I saw a replacement unit you might want to consider.  It was ...
 
Please identify the weapons employed during the last food fight?

Bill: Now that's off the wall. Only thing I can think of is the cake at our wedding.

Rod: <no comment>

Smiley: Sure, now we're into violence ... as if the world doesn't have enough! Can we go?

Manly: <smacks Smiley>

Any fond memories of service food? Some guys actually like SOS*.

Bill: Not really. As soon as you walked down the serving line and saw the hot dogs ... yuk! I always tried to sneak to the club or grab something off-base. Now they say Navy food is the best ... I was in the Air Force and that I'm told ranks second. Would hate to think how the grunts in the Army and Marines make out.

Rod: <no comment>

Smiley: Make love not war!

Manly: Mmmm ... SOS! ... now there's a treat!!
 
Ever cooked/eaten anything resembling a dog "package"? Describe.

Bill:  Don't think so ... what the heck is that?

Rod: <gurgle>

Smiley: I think she means something like road kill, pinhead!

Manly: <decks Smiley>
 
Endangered species?

Bill:  Yea ... Smiley is one.

Rod: <continues decomposing>

Smiley: <flees room>

Manly: <adjusts tool belt>

Thanks guys, this has truly been enlightening. Smiley will be OK, won't he? I hope ...

~~~

*SOS: Butter and flour in a pan to make rue. Add that Velveeta pretend cheese to desired consistency and that really scary bottled meat stuff in a jar (Armour dried slices). Serve over buttered white toast. (Brad's Mother's recipe.) He loved that SOS! I never made it, she did once when she was here. I was never so thirsty in my life as after eating it but it was pretty tasty, in a decadent sort of way! - Rexanne

Bubba likes it on potatoes too. {AF (APOI) BTW, Bill.} I add milk (evap. is best) to flour and butter to manufacture white gravy, no Velveeta. 

#

There you have it, up close and personal with gen-U-wine 'net stars. Watch for more pro parley in coming pages. Reader input is encouraged - what do you want to know, about whom?

New!

More Web Celeb Interviews

Here's an idea, take your secret dreams of an investigative-reporting career and go get 'em. Stalk to the very end of the universe, down and dirty. You have my blessing.

#

That'll do it for now  - OOOps almost forgot to show ya this from the latest CZ newsletter ...

Martha of AltMartha's Recipes - A ways back,
she went out on a limb and actually asked us
to review her site. We found a delicious
little site that throws in a dash of humor
with each recipe.

Blushed me ;-)

Roses to y'all for being such good sports.

~~~

Something a little different than my usual ...

Bright Spots

Lotsa funnies, 'toons, signs, stuff to think about, etc.

Go back to: Still More Summer CatchAll

Index of the Whole Shebang and Graphics Credits

Don't forget to transmit that blank E, "Send the new page" in the subject line.

TheRealMartha@Mindspring.com

Should you care to leave a public autograph, occasionally the

Guestbook

is found in working order.

~~~

Not sure when I'll be back ... still anticipating the worst ... between infectious agitation and corporate asinity, who knows. I may be headed for an unintended intermission.