I don't have a big ego, I'm waaaay too cool for that.

I am also a graphics packrat, which slows loading time - file your nails or dust the mouse, I think you'll find the wait worthwhile.

Introducing a new feature,

Rumor Central

or

Lulliloo* to you

it's

Bright Spots Again

from www.TheRealMartha.com 

*lulliloo \lul' ee loo\ (verb): to shout a joyous welcome - OK, so it's a verb, I have just adopted it as a greeting in itself.

I keep findin' goodies, gotta keep makin' pages - enjoy!

I certainly do, have fun that is. And ... since I am in the process of losing my mind altogether, at least I know where I can find the stuff I want to go back to - I think ... that's if I remember what it was I was looking for in the first place.

The majority of my mousemates* seem to be in similar states of cerebral rot - naturally, the hereafter (what am I here after?) has been a recurring conversation theme. "Chanting" works for me - just keep reminding yourself of your current mission along the way and by the time you reach your destination, whoopee! Props are handy too, keep the item scheduled for discussion actually in hand (or on bod). Even if you forget, sooner or later, somebody is bound to notice that you are wearing the dog's collar. Sticky notes may soon be all the fashion too.

*Mousemates and other names for cyber pals neat link, check out Rhymes on English Pronunciation while you're at it.

I do expect to hear about your own forget-not tricks, best make a note right now :)

Another reason for making pages (besides selling my book) is avoiding mailbox clog-ups and explosions caused by forwarding the latest favorites and sending individual reminders to check for additions to Granny Greetings and Skewed Views, both of which are sporting priceless gems from new writers. Now for you new readers, it is customary to send these links to your local print publications with a note that you would appreciate seeing our columns syndicated for those who are not as yet tuned in. It follows, of course, that you will be in line for huge finders fees ;-). Really and truly, Beth and I are getting seriously down to syndication biz with a new site that will be password, subscription accessible only - read 'em now before they disappear. Check out new Classy-fieds, Links I like and more too and send your suggestions or just say boo!
AltMartha@aol.com or TheRealMartha@Mindspring.com

OK, enough from the peri-normal, on with the show ... I have no idea what you may find ahead - been testing a new system.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

This following list of hints (often credited to antagonist nonpareil Stew-rat) has been everywhere to the point of irritation, which is why I've never bothered to use it. However, someone - and I sincerely hope someone else knows who and lets me know so I can add well-deserved, applauded credit - has finally addressed the core issues. Naturally, I couldn't leave well enough alone so ... (remember, it's me in this color).

Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for God's sake, you are probably laying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Cone? Who uses cones? A good and proper pig-out requires a minimum of four scoops or why bother?

To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag.

Instant mashed do not bud.

Use sour cream, cottage or cream cheese instead of milk to disguise instant taste. A hefty blob of mayo works too. You can even mix in a baking dish and sprinkle with sliced almonds - ain't we fancy - heat till lightly browned and call them male potatoes (think about it). MPs are absolutely required at all formal/holiday occasions. They keep warm, no last-minute smashing and the "Gotcha" on new guests is simply irresistible.

Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your batter onto the griddle for perfectly shaped pancakes every time.

Buy the precooked kind you nuke for 30 seconds.

Agreed, in a pinch, but they never seemed to nuke evenly (and even though I hate to get serious here), try making one big one (10-inch sauté pan size) at a time.

To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on the stovetop.

Eat out/take-out.

Disposable pans.

When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

Who follows those cake mix directions anyway? Half the fun of baking is scraping the goods out of the pan with a crowbar.

Bakery.

If you over salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato to absorb the excess.

If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, that's too damn bad. My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I don't care how bad it tastes.

Don't salt the pot in the first place, almost everyone adds it to the plate automatically anyway. Yes I know, now, after years of actually paying attention to blood pressure warnings, the experts changed their minds - what a surprise! It's only a matter of time though before the alarm sounds again, maybe it already has - impossible to keep track.

Place a slice of apple in hardened brown sugar to soften it.

Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?

Keep it in the freezer, it will thaw out soft.

When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out natural sweetness.

The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Ditto

To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

Who cares if they crack, aren't you going to take the shells off anyway?

Doh

Brush beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg white over the crust, I just won't do it.

Pie crust? Separate an egg? I don't think so ...

To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

If you feel bad later, you will know it wasn't fresh.

Raw eggs keep a loooong time and rotten is very obviously rotten once cracked. But while we're on the subject ... how would you like your eggs? It's not a bad idea to qualify that question by adding "in case they should turn out that way." My taste for eggs did not develop until they achieved status on the no-no list. My best advice, since there really is no good way to describe egg-cooking, is to ask the egg-eater to demonstrate a few favorite techniques. Do not, I repeat, do not attempt to read the usual eggspert advice found in all-purpose cookbooks. There is no shorter trip to dementia. From Eggments.

Cure for headaches: cut a lime in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

The only reason this works is because you can't rub a lime on your forehead without getting the juice in your eye. Then the problem isn't the headache anymore, because you are now blind.

Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for use in casseroles and sauces.

Who has leftover wine? Never happens in this house.

Try using latex dishwashing gloves for a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it and you might get to see him in his underwear.

Cans are dreadfully difficult at times too. One might invest in modern convenience but it could be years before a service call was required.

Slice and rub raw potato on food stains on hands.

Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer. Clean a toilet - drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait 20 minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous China. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two tablets.  Drop two tablets into a glass of water and immerse jewelry for two minutes. Fill with a thermos bottle with water, drop in four tablets and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

Put jewelry, vases and thermos in the toilet to solve a whole bunch of problems at once.

LMAO - PMP!

Yee Haw - Progress! Rather than messing around with the usual type of search engine a lot of sites use (mainly because I'm sure I'd never figure out the right installation), it has finally occurred to me the Ctrl-F trick* will work. For instance, on Index pages, if you hit Ctrl key and F at the same time, a search box pops up. Type in beef - recipes with beef in the title will be highlighted on the page. (If it doesn't work the first time, try again, can be cranky.) On individual cooking pages, recipes with any kind of beef ingredient will show up. In this type of search, less info tends to produce the most results. On the other hand, Mex beef would limit results. In the case of Mexican in general, Mex would be the best option to turn up Mex-chicken, pork or whatever Mex-mix. Of course you can always try any of the usual search engines - it's amazing how many people find this place looking for a particular (or peculiar) dish.

*Works on mail, fave places, filing cabinet too.

Another yee haw - recently had an e-mail freeze up - no graphics showing and nothing happened when I hit reply to request a resend. Went to filing cabinet - it was OK.

Dear Tech Support, Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slow down in the performance of flower & jewelry applications that had operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, husband 1.0 un-installed many other valuable programs,such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL 5.0 and NBA 3.0.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs and House-cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do? Desperate

Dear Desperate, First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system. Try to enter the command: C:/ I thoughtyoulovedme and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilty 3.0 and Flowers 7.0 ... but remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create snoringloudly. WAV files.

Do not install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve performance ... I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Lingerie 6.9. Good Luck, Tech Support

A man stopped to pick up roses for his wife. As the clerk was putting the finishing touches on the bouquet, another man burst through the door, breathlessly requesting a dozen red roses.

"I'm sorry," the clerk said. "This man just ordered our last bunch."

The desperate customer turned to the other man, and begged, "May I please have those roses?"

"What happened?" the first man asked. "Did you forget your wedding anniversary?"

"It's even worse than that," the second man confided. "I crashed my wife's hard drive!"

A Lesser-known Psychological Affliction

Barcolepsy: The inability to remain awake for longer than 30 seconds after sitting in the recliner in front of the TV.

A couple were being interviewed on their golden wedding anniversary, "In all that time, did you ever consider a divorce?"

"Oh, no, not divorce, we're too old fashioned for that," one said. "Murder sometimes, but never divorce.

I do have a bunch of cool stuff stashed for holidays and special occasions ... one of these days ... promise.

Ed had an awful day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one. On his way home, he stopped at the supermarket and ordered four catfish, "Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?"

"Why do you want me to throw them at you?"

"Because I want to tell my wife I caught them."

"Okay, but I suggest that you take the orange roughy. Your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take orange roughy. She prefers that for supper tonight."

Save closet and pantry space for the things you use most often and consider unconventional storage under beds or behind large pieces of furniture. I have books stacked under the coffee table - setting a new decorating trend ya see, they're not actually holding it up but I have made tables and shelves out of boards and books (packing boxes too, throw on a nice little cloth). Just stashed a new meat grinder in the bread box - can't keep bread in there, I forget about it. Piled paperbacks in a window sill once, also served as a "curtain." An aunt kept her turkey platter under the couch, and my mother hid cookies in the linen closet. If a nosy guest finds peanut butter in the medicine cabinet I just explain it's hereditary.

Homemade Headboard

To create a cute headboard for a child's bed, buy a suitably-sized section of picket fence at any large home improvement store. The pickets come off very easily so you can put them back on at any spacing and height you would like. Sand the rough edges (no points!), paint and decorate; then attach it to the bed frame. Approximate cost $30 compared to $700 at department store.

Fence Art Display

Carry the picket idea a little further around the room for art display. Might even try wood-grained contact paper to cut out posts and pickets. Tape up or nail a string running from one long post to another. Using spring-loaded clothes pins, hang artwork (or any bulletin board type stuff) on the string. Push pins would add color too but only use for older kids.

More on the Wall

Have trouble hanging pictures or shelves with two nail holes in the back? Run a piece of masking tape across the holes. Mark the holes with a pen; peel the tape off, stick loosely to the wall and pound the nails through the pen marks. Also, sewing needles can hold up to 30 pounds - nice to remember when regular nails are a problem. I picked up a neat little crate to use as a shelf for a buck at a garage sale (more about sales below). Forklift type shipping pallets are sometimes in pretty good shape and work well for paperbacks.

It won't be long ...

Three sisters in their 90s all lived together. One day the oldest drew a bath. She put one foot in the water, paused, then called downstairs to her sisters, "Am I getting in the tub or out of the tub?" The middle sister started up the stairs to help, then paused and called back downstairs, "Was I going up or coming down?" The youngest sister, who was sitting at the kitchen table having tea, said, "I guess I'll have to help. I hope I never get that forgetful!" and knocked on wood. She got up then, paused, and called, "I'll come up as soon as I see who's at the door!"

Please note that most of material on these pages is not mine and arrived here without credit. I have taken the liberty of editing in most cases because that's what I do Editing, Etc.. If original authors are/can be identified, I'm always happy to add credit, however, if anyone has a problem with my edits, I'm also happy to delete. Lately I've noticed a lot of my versions being circulated which is cool but it would be nice to include a link back here. It is not, unfortunately in most cases, practical for me to credit individual publication sources because there is so much duplication. Classy-fieds, Links I like and more lists subscribe links to newsletters and e-zines participating in promo exchange. Please let me know about any of your faves or you can send links to editors - thanks.

No sense being pessimistic. It wouldn't work anyway.

Thanks to K9WebWorld@aol.com for graphic - courtesy of Peggy Rose.

Please don't leave your critters alone on the 4th. Normally calm dogs can absolutely freak and do considerable damage to property and possibly injure themselves trying to "escape."

Double check ID tags in case they do manage to run away. Certainly do not leave them outside alone, and absolutely not on a chain. Consider going to another location if you are in a home near fireworks displays or  closing the shades on windows and playing music loud enough to cover the sound. Some behaviorists feel that if you try to soothe them too much you may actually encourage the fearful behavior. Your own actions might make the dog feel there is something wrong. It may be a better idea to play games with them or find some other normal activity that the dog enjoys. Take an early walk, before it is dark, to make sure your dog can relieve itself before the action starts. Some dogs won't go outside when fireworks are going off.

The holiday is full of other potential dangers. On picnics, watch out for bones and foil used to wrap foods. Be sure to have plenty of water available, and a shaded place for your best friend to cool down. Heat can quickly dehydrate them or cause heat stroke. The sun can burn your dog just as easily as it burns you. There are sun screens in some grooming sprays and you can use a child safe block on exposed skin areas. Keep out of eyes. Watch them around water as you would a child. Even experienced swimmers can get exhausted and drown.

Do not even think about leaving a dog in a parked car, even if you plan to be gone just a few minutes. That's all it takes for super-heated air to fry their brains. Dogs do not sweat, their only air conditioning is panting. Be aware that they are plenty of people who will track you down in a store (yes I have) or, in an emergency, not hesitate to break your window (no I haven't had to, yet).

Announcements brought to you by Buster, who fortunately is bothered by almost nothing. Miss Liberty however, who should have been entitled to appreciate her very own holiday, most definitely did not enjoy fireworks. Check out one of my favorite shots of her wearing the stars and stripes, which by coincidence is on a page with a particularly good sentiment that's going around again, Lib Angel. Here's Buster's latest, PetsMart Star. Just sent the following to The Boston Site as an update to his previously featured adoption success story.

I was dead set against even thinking about another dog so soon after losing Lib at almost 14 to liver failure. Certainly not another older dog, not until we were living in a real home (we were on 100 percent travel with job, staying in hotels), not a male and above all not an intact male.

So much for those intentions. Buster belonged to a guy at home base who was too busy chasing women after his divorce to have time for his "best buddy." He felt bad about the ex keeping Buster in the garage because she and the kids didn't have time for him either.

The only thing I knew about Bostons was what they looked like. After checking into everything I could find on the 'net, 8 years old (approximately, still don't know for sure) seemed to be more like a little past middle age than senior citizen. Info from the pros and all the personal site stories/reports convinced me a trial was worth a chance.

It's been almost two and a half years. Buster is as much the gentleman as he was from the first meeting and, at least, twice the clown. He cracks us up just looking at him - those notorious little Boston brain wheels are conspicuous at all times. Life is running basically to his satisfaction now that he's convinced us that he will, in fact, die if his taste-testing duties are not carried out precisely on schedule. He's not a pest, more the sentinel, ever vigilant, faithful the extra crumb will fall.

I tried to tell him it was OK to take a break while I was tearing lettuce once by offering - now all greens sampling is a regular cheap thrill. Fat juicy romaine ribs are a real prize in His Goofiness' estimation - runs off with 'em like they were sirloin!

He "works" every new visitor into immediate enchantment too, be it the "nobody loves me, can't you tell" story for a snuggle or initiation of soccer practice.

Quite possibly the most laid-back dog I've ever known, although sincerely intense during cricket kill season, dental bone/chew hoof disintegration, overall furniture (couch, recliner, bed) warming,

blanket arrangement and attention to outside territorial data processing (champion dirt-kicker too!). He's never barked, one "yowl" is sufficient notice when he means business.

He has enjoyed learning the computer and taking over Miss Liberty's correspondence including her award administration as well as his own. While he is a registered purebred, he is not show quality (according to what we were told). Can't say he was thrilled about his sacrifice, but accepted the reasoning without complaint and heartily supports all spay/neuter education efforts.

There's a bit more snow on the ol' rooftop these days but aside from seeming like he needs an extra stretch to get movin' after a hard snooze, it looks like we'll have several more good years together. I was thinking about just how nice a sleepin' buddy he is too. Once the settling down snorts ease into soft snuffles, it's such a contented sound, it relaxes me.

I also submitted his main pages for the "Too Cute" photo contest. http://www.therealmartha.com/busterpics/index.htm
http://www.therealmartha.com/busterintro/index.htm
http://www.therealmartha.com/toottoot/index.htm

I noticed one mixed rescue posted and put in a request for one who might turn up without a bristle coat. That's our one problem, I'm allergic (almost any short coat gives me hives). I can't cuddle him unless he's wrapped up - I swear he knows it too - slips between the sheets and comforter. I miss having a little girl to fluff and foof too :)

Bottom line - say yes to an older rescue.
Puppies are so cute, but ...

I'm fairly certain graphic above and the following came from K9WebWorld@aol.com (getting better every issue - you're missing great stuff if you have subscribed).

Slave Pledge

I will not bathe my master after he bathes himself in the mud puddle.
I will not drag my master from the interesting sniffing spots.
I will not complain "My arm is tired" after only throwing the ball 20 times.
I will not confuse my master by throwing snowballs for him to fetch.
I will not ask my master to play fetch with a boomerang.
I will drop whatever I'm doing and take my master out as soon as he asks me to.
I will get rid of those cats.
I will not suggest my master to hurry up already when he's looking for just the right spot to take care of business.
I will not stare while my master is doing his business.
I will never eat until my master has tasted what I have and approved it for me.
I will set up the kiddie pool every day it's hot - even in December.
I will not leave my master at home any time I go in the car.
I will protect my master from that obnoxious little human thing at all times.
I will not have another of those obnoxious little human things.
I will not hide my master's ball in a place where I know he couldn't possibly retrieve it from and then ask him to go get it.
I will not sneak around the backyard wearing funny clothes to test whether my master is a good watchdog.
I will realize that all my guests are really coming to massage, stroke and otherwise honor the master.
I will not cut my master's nails.
I will not take shredded, soggy, yummy tennis balls away from my master.
I will not abandon my master for trivial reasons like "going to work."
I will not wake my master when I come home from work.
My master's desires are always paramount.
My master's wish is my command.
I will not bring home any more cats.
Bad weather is no excuse for not walking my master.
I will open the back door as soon as my master sits by it.
I will not laugh at my master for being confused over not being able to find the lump of ice that he buried earlier.
I will let my master bring the rear end of a mouse which the cat kindly gave him to chew onto the lounge room carpet.
I will not push my master away when she wants a hug after playing in a mud puddle.
I will give my master chewies that last throughout that stupid kid's entire piano practice.
I will not feed the cat before I feed my master.
I will not enter shows held in horse barns and expect my master to be obedient.
I will not yell at my master for creating "chew toys" from found objects.
I will not run out of treats.
I will make a turkey/stuff a stocking/buy lots of presents for my master.
I will not make my master wear antlers or red hats.
I will not make my master pose for pictures with some fat stranger in a red suit.
I will not tie leftover ribbons and bows all over my master.
I will not use decorations like tinsel that could be dangerous to my master.
I will try much harder to understand my master's language.
I will not chase my master around yelling "Come!" when he is socializing.
I will not ask my master to retire to his crate anymore.
I will try to remember that Give and Leave it are useless requests.
I will never go socializing with other canines without my master.
I will not order my master to get up out of the nice snow when he is obviously making snow angels and conditioning his coat.
I will give up any idea of dieting as it could wreck my master's nice comfy "chair."
I will not come home from work and feel the sofa to see if it is still warm from my master was sleeping "illegally."

More funnies, http://www.geocities.com/bad_pets/BadPets/BadDog.html, Bad Dogs List, includes links

Reasons Shedding is a Good Thing
From the dog's point of view, of course!

Furballs can be gathered up to make life-size imaginary friends.
Easy to leave clear signs about which new furniture you prefer.
Also a great excuse to rub hard, really hard, against that new couch over and over and over.
Love that brushing!
Visitors know right away there is a dog in the house.
People who don't like dogs don't visit anymore.
Lose 10 pounds while not giving up any snacks or doing any exercise.
Your person carries a little bit of you around all day.

Find out what kind of dog you would be, Quiz. I'm a German shepherd. Think I might end up looking like a poodle though, the new gray hair is coming in curly.

Some people try to turn back their odometers ... not me ... I want people to know why I look like this. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads were a bit rocky.

If God had wanted you to have holes in your ears (eyebrows, tongue, etc.) He would have put them there!
from http://www.corsinetMom-isms at Brain Candy

OMG did that one bring up memories. I went round after round with my mother about my ears for years. Finally, for my 15th birthday, she wrote a lovely little card, "You now have my permission to punch two more holes into your beautiful little head." Mad? "Fine, forget about it!" And I did for another 15 years - finally decided it would be appropriate for a job selling commercial beauty products and accessories.

Side note: A while back, a newsletter ran a "What age is OK ... " poll, including various body part options. My answer, "Other than ears, never! Piercings are nothing but horrendously ugly (trashy too, no apologies) and can be extremely dangerous (infections, particularly in the belly button region, may become life-threatening). I don't recall exactly what my mother's reasoning was. Her ears weren't pierced, that may have been all there was to it. All I knew was cool-deprivation (missing out on the groovy beaded that were only for pierced, those little screw jobbies didn't cut it). Ah, the good old days ... ironically, I never did get into any buying frenzy - not all that crazy about most jewelry anyway. Call me an old fuddy-duddy, I truly fail to see rings/hoops/chains sticking out of/dangling from a face as attractive.

As for the rest of today's so-called erotic accoutrements, puh-leeeze ... gawd, it was all I could do not to laugh at one guy's come-hither fondling of his nipple ring a few years ago (and he was at least 20 years my junior). Had a helluva time getting rid of him, kept finding his way back to my door from a neighbor's apartment. I did have to give him an A for effort. It was about 5 am before he finally gave up, their keg musta died. (One last bias ... tattoo: permanent proof of temporary insanity.)

A Little Experiment

Name the five wealthiest people in the world.
Name the last five Heisman trophy winners.
Name the last five winners of the Miss America contest.
Name 10 people who have won the Nobel or Pulitzer prize.
Name the last half dozen Academy Award winners for best actor and actress.
Name the last decade's worth of World Series winners.

How did you do? The point is, none of us remembers the headliners of yesterday. These are no second-rate achievers. They're the best in their fields. But the applause dies. Awards tarnish. Achievements are forgotten. Accolades and certificates are buried with their owners. Now try this ...

List a few school teachers and five other people who have taught you something worthwhile since.
Name three friends who have helped you through a difficult time.
Think of a few people who have made you feel appreciated and special.
Think of five people you enjoy spending time with.
Name a half dozen heroes whose stories have inspired you.

The lesson? The people who make a difference in your life aren't the ones with the most credentials, the most money, or the most awards. They're the ones who care. When you have a chance, pass this on to people who've made a difference in your life. I just did.

Bring cookies too!

This is a great little no-bake recipe, you can mess around with it any way you want too - from Lighthouse Angel e-zine, Grannichip@aol.com

2 cups sugar (brown or white or combo)
1/2 cup milk (powdered OK)
1/3 cup cocoa (or chocolate sauce)
1/4 lb. margarine (butter better)
1/2 cup peanut butter
3 cup quick oats
1 tsp. vanilla

Mix ingredients, except peanut butter, oats and vanilla in a large saucepan; cook over medium heat for 1 to 2 minutes just until smooth. Remove from heat; add peanut butter, oats and vanilla. Add extra oats if mixture isn't very firm. I'm gonna try Rice Krispies and chocolate chips next time (Bubba requested). Drop by teaspoons on wax paper. Let cool. Yield: 3 dozen.

I have been forgetting to run this, it's courtesy of Tami who is the daughter of and graphic artist for TexasJayne@aol.com - check newsletter info on Classy-fieds, Links I like and more.

Keep the ingredients on hand (cream cheese in the freezer) for an instant, guaranteed razzle dazzle.

Building Your Intuition Muscle
by Mershon Bell

Intuition - we all have it. However, some of us rely on it and use the muscle more than others. In this complex world we live in, it is more and more relevant to rely on our intuition. And frankly, it is one of the "benefits" women bring to the marketplace.

This isn't to say that men don't have a sense of intuition. They certainly do. But society has frequently succeeded in training them to rely solely on external empirical information when making important decisions. And, when we don't use our intuitive muscle it atrophies and we deny ourselves a powerful conduit to an internal source of infinite information and wisdom.

Wise women (crones*) tend to be particularly recognized and sought out for their intuitive powers. Why? Because they aren't afraid to be wrong. They are no longer keeping score (or as Wayne Dwyer says, "no longer seeking and connected to the good opinions of others"). They can blurt out when they see, feel, "intuit" without worrying about the effect. And, the effect may be dramatic. Even if they are "wrong" the person to whom the intuition has been directed is now free to say, "No, that's not it, this is it!" A channel is opened.

Intuition is a powerful tool used by coaches. I tell my clients, "I am going to throw a lot of spaghetti against the wall. Let's see what sticks." In other words, I'm going to blurt out my intuitive hits in service of you, my client, and see what works and what doesn't. It's messy, it's playful, it's powerful, it's risky and it helps to change lives!

Where do you access your intuition? Is it in your body? Is it a visual image? Notice where it is coming from and how it communicates to you. Intuiting isn't ponderous. It's instantaneous. Thinking takes time, intuition just happens.

As you use your intuitive muscle, it will become more accessible and more powerful. I like to think that it is God using me to reach another (or myself). It is being open to the spirit, allowing yourself to be a conduit (the size of a straw or the size of a sewer pipe) for the helpful information the universe has available. There is so much more than "thinking power"!

As you come to trust your intuition, you'll likely realize that intuition provides you with the most pragmatic and direct information available. With intuition you're using all of your senses and all of your awareness.

Challenge: Notice what comes to the surface (in your head, heart, gut, feet) as you talk to a friend or family member. Take the risk to say, "I have a hunch that ...". Be unattached to the result. Do it in service to them.

"You never find yourself until you face the truth." - Pearl Bailey

*"What it Means to be a Crone" http://mershonbell.com/Tips/croning.htm

Mershon Bell is a certified personal/professional coach and certified teleclass leader. Visit www.mershonbell.com   for coaching tips, teleclass info, and to subscribe to the Business Woman's Advantage newsletter.

Article found in "The Mirror" e-zine, Rick Beneteau, publisher/editor, http://www.themirrorezine.com

This too :)

"I don't have an hourglass figure. I have an hour and a half, a little too much time on my ass."

Thanks to Rexanne, http://www.rexanne.com "Parenting, Holidays, Humor, Family, Fun!"
Rexanne's Web Review, "Web Sites and Insights" http://www.rexanne.com/rwr-archives.html

Heels make your calves look sexy

A young boy was looking through the family album and asked his mother, "Who's this guy on the beach with you, with all the muscles and curly hair?"

"That's your father."

"Then who's that old baldheaded fat man who lives with us now?"

How to Turn a Recipe into Low-fat
found in Hillbilly Corn Recipes from AngelSftEyz@aol.com, source: eHow.com

Flag all high-fat ingredients in the original recipe.
Make a list of low-fat products that can be substituted for all of the flagged ingredients.
Replace whole eggs with egg substitute products. One egg is equivalent to 1/4 cup of egg substitute.
In sweet baked goods, substitute applesauce or puréed fruit for oils, butter or margarine. As a general rule, you can use a cup of applesauce or fruit for every cup of oil or butter.
Use skim or 2 percent milk in place of whole milk.
Replace regular sour cream or mayonnaise with fat-free or low-fat versions, or use yogurt.
Use ground turkey instead of ground beef, or try extra-lean ground beef.
Remove the skin from poultry, either before cooking or after cooking, depending on the method (a chicken roasted without its skin, for example, would dry out, but skinless chicken can be braised to no ill effect).
Use cooking spray to coat pans instead of butter or olive oil. Add a little water if foods start to stick.
Learn where added fat is important and where it's not so important. For example, there's seldom a difference in onions sautéed in one tablespoon of oil or onions sautéed in two or three tablespoons of oil.

Tips: When replacing fatty ingredients in recipes, start slowly. Replace a portion of the products at first to determine if the flavor and consistency remain intact. In baked goods, especially, a small amount of fat is necessary for texture. Non-fat muffins, for example, tend to be gummy, but muffins with a small amount of fat (perhaps two tablespoons), have a much better texture.

Simply reducing fatty ingredients can have a wonderful effect, especially when combined with some zesty seasonings. Instead of two cups of mild Cheddar in a cheese sauce, for example, try one cup of sharp Cheddar plus some dry or prepared mustard for kick. Or take out a third of the cheese in your next lasagna and see what happens. Remember that eating too little fat is as unhealthy as eating too much. On average, you should be getting 20 to 30 percent of your calories from fat.

Calculate Your Weight on Other Worlds See y'all on Pluto.

Celebration Cake

1 box super moist cake mix
1 can of mandarin oranges with juice
1/3 cup apple sauce
1/2 cup Eggbeaters or 2 eggs

Mix together, bake 30 minutes at 350°

Topping
8 oz. Cool Whip
8 oz. can crushed pineapple and juice
1 box of sugar free, fat free instant pudding

Let sit overnight after frosting - only 2 points per serving size on box of cake mix - from Weight Watchers.

Use an empty tissue box for nonbreakable disposal of light bulbs if you happen to be saving the sleeves for craft projects or whatever - they're good packing material too.

Once is not enough, recycle!

I'm a little late with the next one - save it for next year. Actually I was planning on sending cards to my single friends until I found it. I do not know how women do it all alone.

My Mom

Some people may think it's silly that I am wishing Mom a happy Father's Day, but I don't think it's silly at all. There was no man in our family, you took the whole load on your shoulders. You handled it all.

Not only did you feed me, clothe me and keep a roof over my head, you loved me and were there for me - not just because you had to be, you wanted to be. You wanted to take part in my life. I know how hard you had to work to supply me with all the things you did.

You always put a hot meal on our table, helped me with my homework, and still had time to mend my favorite jeans. You've been my mother, my father, my teacher, my confessor, and most of all, my best friend.

That's why, on this Father's Day, I'm honoring you, Mom. Because to me, you are everything rolled into one unbelievable woman.

Not forgetting the guys here, the reverse is also true. Another neat idea is sending a card to parents on their kid's birthdays - guaranteed big hit with moms- and dads-in-law.

Meet my godfilly

I'm still not exactly sure how I came by this honor, however, pics arriving in the mail are certainly a day-maker. Little Miss Docket would not have been if not for Helen's daughter Beth - read on.

"A couple of years ago, while Beth was working for the vet, he purchased a 'lot' of horses. These horses were pretty much the bottom of the barrel, destined for glue, sadly. The vet, has a rodeo company, no I don't like it, but ya know. Anyway, in the lot, was one filly Beth felt bad for, as she would keep her head down all the time, seeming to have just given up the fight. She was underweight, mangy looking and generally pathetic. Beth feed her daily, gave her treats, brushed her, bathed her, and gave her the will to believe she had a reason to live. When the vet decided to sell the lot, Beth begged to be allowed to buy Elli. She was named by Beth for the lot identification, 'L-E.' The vet gave in to Beth's pleading and flat gave her the filly. Beth called her husband and he immediately came and picked up Elli. A few days later, Beth called her husband from work, telling him she 'had a feeling,' and would he look on the filly's lip. He did, and lo and behold, there it was, a tattoo. Beth took the number from her husband and immediately got on the phone to the Jockey Club. Within 24 hours, came a fax from the club, 'Beth, Meet Sadie J!' Sadie is a thoroughbred. Her lineage is as follows;

Bold Ruler, who sired Secretariat
Miss Disco
War Admiral, who sired Man o War
Native Dancer
Nasrullah, and the list goes on ...

"Needless to say, the vet turned green, literally. Beth was able to track down the breeder, who has since retired, but remembered Sadie J from his horse farm in Maryland. Beth was able to get Sadie's papers, after the Jockey Club came to inspect the horse, to prove she was who Beth reported her to be. Sadie J ran her maiden race under the breeder, and suffered a hairline fracture, hence, I'm going to assume, is the reason why she was in the lot that was purchased by the vet in the first place. We will never know how many times Sadie was passed around, nor will we ever know what her life was like all that time before, but she is fine now, spoiled and at nine years of age, has her own baby to care for and love, little Miss. Docket~! The name of the foal was always going to be 'Doc's Mistake.' Beth bred Sadie to Siberian Tiger, who is out of Medowlake Siberian Storm."

Papa

Look at those eyelashes - and unusual markings: blaze, star and snip.

What to do with those legs???

I feel good!

Oh yeah, a video camera, how about a close up, hmmm?

'Bout ready for the Derby!

Stay tuned there'll be more ...

"You know, dear, I can write my name in the dust on the mantel."

"Well, darling, that's why I married a college graduate."

Love that one ... I do not consider dust a major health hazard. A former boyfriend once informed me that he had removed about a pound from my TV screen. I said thanks, knock yourself out any ol' time ;-) Ever helpful tho, had I known that coffee filters were recommended for such tasks (no lint), I'd have gift wrapped a box for him.

As promised above, more garagin' ...

Bifold closet doors, which remove easily, can be placed across the backs of chairs for instant tables. Idea found in the Dollar Stretcher, subscribe@stretcher.com or visit http://www.stretcher.com/menu/topic.htm

Include a coupon with your ad - something like: Save $1 on every $15 spent when you present this ad. Yard salers are bargain hunters by nature, so a coupon will make them want to shop with you even more and because they have the ad with them, they will know exactly how to get to your sale. From Heart & Home newsletter - Homesteading, Gardening, & Frugal Living Ideas Galore! LittleCountryVillage.com - subscribe by sending a blank email to: frugal_living-subscribe@listbot.com

Also from H & H, a recipe to help your skin feel cool, while offering a sweet fragrance as well. Mix until well blended: 1 1/2 T. ground cinnamon and 1/2 cup cornstarch. Sprinkle from a spice or cheese shaker.

Also from editor Pearl, after I mentioned my treasure digging on the new property where a house was bulldozed into a ravine years ago, "Why don't you save all the shards of glass/pottery/tiles/etc. and make a mosaic? You could use it for a table top - a flower pot - artful edging around a mirror - stepping stones in your garden - etc." That's creative!

I'm too cheap to throw anything away so I fully intend to find a use for everything I dig up. Right now I'm making very attractive (if I do say so myself) fabric covers for a variety of jars to hold my crop of fabric flowers. Most are strips of selvage edges gathered with a running stitch, a few have petals that were the leftover pieces from cutting circles for the last quilt.

This is a regular full bed size, it's folded over the back of the couch. The "hump" is where the corner is folded to front to show edges, detail below.

Cut circles (I used a dessert plate as template to get four or five to a "fat quarter"). Use either all new or all old fabric - unequal shrinkage could cause puckers. Turn edges under about one eighth inch using a running stitch, pull thread to gather, secure knot, turn right side out. Attach as you go along with cording or yard knotted several times. Make any size you want. This one has about 375 pieces, took about six months to complete.

The stems are wooden dowels, bamboo skewers, lollipop and Popsicle sticks. Most have buttons for centers, which brings up the next subject ... if you happen to spot some at a sale, especially the old wooden ones, if you don't want them yourself, send to me - I'll get a book out shortly as a thank you. I'm having a blast with all the leftover crafty stuff I'm finding - even started a new "group" on aol to show off pics. If you'd like to join and post your own contributions, let me know, I'll send an invite.

One of the "tips" in the original of the funny I used earlier advised feeding the garbage disposal instead of spraying plastic containers with veggie oil to prevent discoloration from tomato sauce. Blasphemous! If you have even just a smidge of leftover spaghetti and sauce (too much to give to the dog but not enough to constitute lunch)(granted this is a rare occurrence but these inspirations have to come from someplace), throw in a couple of marinated, sun-dried tomatoes, sliced black olives, garlic shoots, onion, whatever trigs your tripper. Cover with a handful of shredded mozzarella.

Have to show this off too, another uncommon happening. Usually I'm too impatient to wait for the perfect shade of gold, was distracted unloading the dishwasher. Bubba's all-time fave - fried skinless, boneless, chicken breast chunks. I do tend to get carried away with my experiments and forget the good ol' standbys. Shake in plain flour (or cornmeal, oatmeal, cracker and/or unsweetened cereal crumbs) seasoned with a little garlic powder, maybe a few parsley flakes. Transfer to a plate (lid to this skillet fits nicely for keeping warm), then add a hunk of butter and sizzle around with leftover flour mix ; add a can of evaporated milk - gravy's a done deal, crunchies and lumps jes the way all true Bubbas like 'em.

Bubba Haikus

Beauty
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mud flaps

Remorse
A painful sadness
Can't fit big screen TV through
Double-wide's front door

Deprived
In Wal-Mart toy aisle
Wailing boy wants wrestling doll
Mama whups his ass

Options
Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can get on
Disability

Blaze
Distant siren screams
Dumb-ass Verne's been playing with
Gasoline again

A New Moon
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs

Exuberance
Joyous, playful, bright
Trailer park girl rolls in puddle
Of old motor oil

Alone
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files for
Restraining order

Offerings
Tonight we hunger
Grandma sent grocery money
To Jimmy Swaggart

Drama
Set the VCR
Dukes of Hazzard Marathon
At 9 O'clock

No Signal
White noise, buzzing static
Call Earl; satellite dish
needs new descrambler

Impounded
Sixty-five dollars
And cyclone fence keeps me from
My El Camino

Gathering
In early morning mist
Mama searches Circle K for
Moon Pies and Red Man

Emergency barbecue brush: paper towel held in tongs

Clean grills using half an onion like a scouring pad.

Grilling Fruit

Don't overlook fruit when planning your outdoor menu. The combination of the smoky taste and sweet flavors can be very pleasant. The dark grill marks also make for a great presentation. Cook very briefly, add to salads (pears or mangos), pizzas (pineapple), and desserts (bananas or peaches).

Caesar Potato Salad

2 pounds red potatoes
1 cup Caesar dressing
1/4 cup Parmesan, grated
salt and pepper to taste

Boil the potatoes until just soft. Cool and cut into 1/4-inch slices. Toss in the dressing (use a quality store-bought brand) and cheese. Serve chilled. From Kitchen Happenings, Skysbrte@aol.com

Cherry S'mores

graham cracker squares
chocolate bars, divided into 4 pieces
maraschino cherries, chopped
large marshmallows

Place four graham crackers on a microwaveable plate. Top each with a piece of chocolate, a spoonful of cherries and a marshmallow. Microwave on high for 10 to 15 seconds. Top each with a remaining cracker; let stand 30 seconds to cool. (Or, do it the old-fashioned way, toast marshmallows on sticks over the campfire.)

OOOps, it's too late for the 4th, hurry though, you need my secret beans recipe for the rest of the summer bring-somethings. You'll never know if it's you or the beans they want but you'll never lack invitations. Order book

The latest in manly apron slogans ...

God of Fire
The next person to fake an Aussie accent gets thrown on the barbie
Compliment me on the lawn too
I81B4U
Trust me; it tastes just like chicken
I hunt, therefore I grill
Have you met my gatherer?
King Tongs
Hail to the Chef
No Fat, No Cal, No Way
Will Cook for Sex
Garlic: It's Chic to Reek
Real Men Fry Turkeys
Conoser - Conisur - Connotsur - WINO
My Other Apron is a Versace
I Have the Body of a God ... Buddha

Unsolicited Consumer Report

Ro-Tel has a new tomato/cilantro combo offering. Absolutely killer addition to my ongoing hash brown pizza experimentation, but you must also try with Steakums covered in outrageous amounts of onions, garlic and mozzarella cheese on Italian bread.

~ Rumor Central ~ Hot Stuff ~ Handle with Care

Rumor: Machete wielding wild woman is loose on the streets of Dallas, cops do nothing.

Fact: The machete is the latest publicity gimmick in one woman's crusade for spay/neuter education. The Neutress of the Night a.k.a. Kathleen "Kat" Chaplin is wildy dedicated to a deadly serious cause, "It’s unconscionable for so much death to result from so preventable a problem." Chaplin was the featured Unsung Hero in the April issue of CatFancy magazine. In a word, the Neutress will stop at nothing to get her point across. Go get 'em Kat! Find link to article and more great critter news including spay/neuter education promotion ideas and material, plus a terrific line of fun fundraising products, http://meowsville.com/index.html. Don't miss the Catabunga toys, also for small dogs.

Rumor: The "Black Rose" is alive and delivering portents of doom and destruction.

Fact: A black rose service was delivering bouquets of dead roses for a variety of occasions a few years back on the west coast (to the best of my recollection). Didn't hear much more after the first gush of publicity but that was enough to get me started on a custom order delivery service, including a third party (anonymous) option. "Necessary, naughty or nice, every message has a price." While I've never accepted raunchy or misrepresentation, there are numerous valid reasons to provide such a service. In today's world, creativity, caution and safeguards are quite useful, often mandatory and available on the receiving end too. Whatever you have in mind is most likely arrangeable, just ask. More info, Third Party Relay. All communications are completely confidential. Proof of ID is required.

Sharing the Mail

Hi Martha, Here is a new quote of mine for your wonderful web site. In Love & Joy, Mike http://www.pointoflife.com

"To have hope, one must first be a believer - To be a believer, one must first have doubt - To have no doubt of the truth, one has no need of hope or belief." Michael Levy

Project Joy is the beginning of a series of books to celebrate the human spirit, featuring the work of Larry Jaffe, Michael Levy and 20 guest writers. Project Joy invites submissions of stories, poetry and essays that reflect the depth and scope of human experience, in particular the element of joy. The first book in the series will be published fall 2001. For complete submission guidelines, write joy@poetix.net.

I think you and I would get along just fine. You seem like my kind of people. However, my first recipe, and you have me a little conflubberated (love that word). The pear bake recipe says mix large can fruit, 3 Tbls. flour, 3/4 cup sugar and 3 tsp. juice. Pour over fruit in pan. Do you drain the fruit and put it in the pan, or is there more fruit from somewhere? Is the juice the reserved juice from the drained fruit? If I understand this correctly I'm assuming I drain the fruit, reserving juice. Put drained fruit in pan, and mix the sugar, flour, and 3 or more tsp. of reserved juice to make a heavy syrup, and then pour this over the fruit. Sounds delicious, and I can't wait to try it! Thanks for making cooking sound a little relaxed, and actually fun for a change! Sincerely, Stephanie Van Syckel

Dang, had to go back to the source it'd been so long since I'd made that. Stephanie had it right, the only thing I could tell her to detangle my instructions (might need more juice) was maybe there was more from the can in the original recipe using pineapple.

I hope I am not an unwelcome intruder into your very witty web site. You see, I am (ugh!) a vegetarian. Being one does not mean there is no sense of humor or love of dangerous living, and you would be surprised at how many recipes in your diary (haven't gotten to all the rest yet) can be altered very easily to fit we weird ones who can't face a face in our food. You are bookmarked all over the place and I have passed your site on to two others, so far. Do keep up the good work as a sense of humor is worth, ahem, a Queen's ransom!

I did invite conversion suggestions - stand by! As anyone who has been hangin' with me for a while knows, I need my beef, however, I will take the occasional walk on the wild side. Have to admit veggie burgers aren't bad at all, try topping with veggie cream cheese.

"You're good, sweetheart; very, very good!" - Bogart said that in an old movie! I found you when I asked Jeeves, how to make/fix gravy. Yes I know how, but do enjoy trying/learning new stuff! I use black coffee to make gravy - sometimes add some Texas Red vino - real good with pork loin. You also have a delightful sense of humor! Adios for now, Dan Jones

P.S. Know where the expression, "groovy" came from? People like Louie, Ella, Artie (Shaw), etc. ... when referring to a tune (record with grooves in it) that they liked said, 'That is really groovy!!!!' Now you know and you owe it all to Dan Jones

My my, little coincidence there, intended or not, the red-eye (redneck gravy) coffee reference. Had to ask Dan if he knew that gravy was redneck for groovy. I like to spread these nuggets whenever I can, Bubbaese is a fine language. Beth is crusading to save Yiddish, we might decide to take "Fun with Yid and Dang" on the road - watch your local listings.

http://www.rootsweb.com/~genepool/amerispeak/index.htm - Amerispeak, ancestors' expressions and more

Two Too Trues

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until they speak.

Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

Two True Relate-ables

In the 1950s, bathing suits designed for women with mature figures were boned, trussed and reinforced - not so much sewn as engineered, built to "hold back and uplift" and they did a good job.

Today's stretch fabrics are designed for the prepubescent girl with a figure carved from a potato chip. The mature woman has a choice - she can either "front up" at the maternity department and try on a floral suit with a skirt, coming away looking like a hippopotamus who escaped from Disney's Fantasia ... or she can wander around trying to make a sensible choice from what amounts to a designer range of fluorescent rubber bands.

What choice did I have? I wandered around, made my sensible choice and entered the chamber of horrors known as the fitting room. The first thing I noticed was the extraordinary tensile strength of the stretch material. The Lycra used in bathing costumes was developed, I believe, by NASA to launch small rockets from a slingshot, which give the added bonus that if you manage to actually squeeze yourself into one, you are protected from shark attacks. Any shark taking a swipe at your passing midriff would immediately suffer whiplash.

I fought my way in, but as I twanged the shoulder strap in place, I gasped in horror - my bosoms had disappeared! I found one cowering under my left armpit and eventually located the other flattened beside my seventh rib. The problem is that modern bathing suits have no bra cups. The mature woman must wear her bosom spread across her chest like a speed hump. I realigned my speed hump and lurched toward the mirror to take a full view assessment.

The bathing suit fit all right, but unfortunately, it only fit those bits of me willing to stay inside it. The rest of me oozed out rebelliously from top, bottom and sides. I looked like a lump of Playdough wearing undersized cling wrap.

As I tried to work out where all those extra bits had come from, the prepubescent sales girl popped her head through the curtains, "Oh there you are!" she said, admiring the bathing suit. I replied that I wasn't so sure and asked what else she had to show me.

I tried on a cream crinkled one that made me look like a lump of masking tape, and a floral two piece which gave the appearance of an oversized napkin in a serviette ring.

I struggled into a pair of leopard skin bathers with ragged frill and came out looking like Tarzan's Jane pregnant with triplets and having a rough day.

I tried on a black number with a midriff and looked like a jellyfish in mourning.

A bright pink set had such a high cut leg I thought I would have to wax my eyebrows.

Finally, I found a suit that fit ... a two piece affair with shorts style bottom and a loose blouse-type top. It was cheap, comfortable, and bulge-friendly, so I bought it.

When I got home, I read the label, "Material may become transparent in water." I'm determined to wear it anyway ... I'll just have to learn to do the breaststroke in the sand.

Shortly after I had the above ready to go, the following arrived - couldn't decide which one to eliminate, so ...

Un-Suitable

"Can I help you?" asks the salesgirl.

"Not unless you're Mother Nature."

"Oh, I see," she nods sympathetically. "The bathing suits are over there."

"Thank you," I mumble and walk towards the rack.

"One or two piece?"

"Four." I hold a suit, marked with my size, against me. "Either this is mismarked or someone was kidding, I need a swimsuit that says 'washing machine' not 'sex machine,' something that's a cross between Wonder Bra, corset and camouflage."

"Speedo or OP?" "Bikini or French cut?"

"How about 'Mother of Two' - something the color of spit up, with an elastic tummy, detachable long skirt (that doubles as a canopy or burp cloth), waterproof pockets for snacks and diapers, sippy cup holders on either hip, and 'No Whining' printed in red letters across the front?"

"Well," she stammers, handing me a bright colored one piece that reminded me of the Brazilian flag, another made out of Barnum and Bailey's circus tent, and a bikini that would strangle a Chihuahua. I grunted, groaned, pushed and tucked. One hour and two hernias later I found a suit that fit, let me breathe, and would've looked great - without my body in it. As I looked in the full-length mirror at my post-partum tummy and legs that had more stretch marks than the San Andreas Fault, I noticed my children making funny faces.

"You look like Barbie," said my daughter.

"Barbie," echoed my son.

I smiled and realized that my children didn't see my faults. My blemishes weren't deformities, they were birthmarks, and my varicose veins were Purple Hearts in the battle of reproduction. "I'll take it!" I cried from inside the dressing room. I didn't look younger or thinner. I looked like what I was - the mother of two. And it suited me just fine.

Know Yo' Spuds

Stores used to have just two bins of potatoes. One held all-purpose potatoes, used mostly for boiling. The other was heaped with baking potatoes, often called Idahoes. Then spuds became the fashionable favorite of chefs. Menus soon featured boutique or designer potatoes, like the long, curved Russian Banana, finger-shaped Ruby Crescent and the startling Purple Peruvian. Naturally, stores, including some supermarkets, are following suit, offering fancy and heirloom potatoes at two or three dollars a pound.

On a more down-to-earth level, thanks to this passion for potatoes, the average supermarket now carries five or six kinds, including:

- Red Bliss, the red-skinned old standby for boiling and potato salad;
- White Rose or other white-skinned, white-fleshed, all-purpose potato;
- Russet, the long, flat, oval baking potato, also good for making light, fluffy mashed potatoes;
- Yukon Gold or Yellow Finn, yellow-fleshed potatoes with a buttery taste that are equally good for boiling, mashing, roasting and salads;
- Creamers, small, velvety-fleshed potatoes for boiling and roasting; and
- Sweet potatoes, the bright orange-fleshed potatoes we usually call yams.

Around this time of year, "new potatoes" also start appearing. Usually, they are red- or white-skinned and two inches or less in size. To truly be new, they should be not only small but just harvested, too. You can tell if they are by looking at their skin.

Young, recently dug-up potatoes have a thin, almost translucent skin. When boiled, steamed or roasted, this delicate covering seems to "pop" when you bite into the potato. Inside, the flesh is moist. It may even taste a bit sweet. When steamed or boiled, drain, then return to hot, dry pot and shake to roll them around with just enough sweet butter to make a glistening coat.

Thanks to whoever wrote this, can't find whatever clue I may have left myself (so much for the new system) but had to include it - best easy all-around tatertorial I've seen. Another spiffy thing to try is "seething" - lightly coat or spray a non-stick skillet with veggie oil, add a generous sprinkling of salt, then the taters. Leave heat on very low, lid on - give the pan a good shake every 10 minutes or so but don't peek. Allow at least an hour, depending  on spud size, could take as long as another half hour.

Introducing a new critter feature ...

Guest Chefs

Thanks to Gypsy and Tesla for the inspiration

I made Shepherd's Pie the other night and both my dogs were entranced by the activity. It reminded me that I had once talked food with my older dog and she had subsequently explained to a group of her cyber-friends (if you have to ask you definitely don't want to know...) how Shepherd's Pie is made, from her perspective.

Sheepieherd's Pie for two from Tesla's point of view

1/2 lb. ground beef (apparently humans need it all, 'cause she made sure none of it fell so I could taste it raw...)
1/2 big onion, chopped up so well Mom was in tears
3 or more cloves garlic, chopped up the same, only Dad always says it needs more
1/2 (there's a lot of halves in this one, aren't there?) of a small package of frozen mixed vegetables
2 cups (or more) mushed potatoes
1 Tbls. or so each of the stinky stuff in the round bottle (Worcestershire sauce) and the stinky stuff in the square bottle (Heinz 57 sauce)
salt and pepper
1/2 (of course) cup cheese, shredded
Oil for greasing frying pan if needed

Heat up the pan and add the oil. Tell the dog to get out of the kitchen. Put the onions and garlic in the pan and smush them around until they get soft. Put them into a greased baking dish. Put the ground beef in the pan, being extra careful to be sure none falls to Tesla level (dogs should never give up hope, however.) Smush it around until it's all browned, still being careful to avoid feeding any to the deserving and loyal dog. Tell the dog to get out of the kitchen! (Dogs should, of course, deal with this request as it deserves.) Drain the ground beef, reserving a little of the drippings to pour over the dry food in the dog's dinner bowl. Mush the onions, garlic, ground beef, vegetables, sauces, and salt and pepper together in the baking dish. Mix the mushed potatoes with the cheese. This time you can let a little of the cheese fall, unless Dad is around. The minute the dog has gobbled up the cheese, tell her to get out of the kitchen. Put the mushed potatoes on top of the rest of the stuff in the baking dish, pretending it's a pie crust kind of thing. Put the dish in the oven at 350 F (I was never good at math so I don't know what that would be for the British dogs.) Leave it there for about twenty minutes to (you guessed it) 1/2 hour, or until it's so hot it's scary and no dog would want to lick that plate just then. Then turn on the broiler part of the oven and broil the pie until the potatoes on top turn brown. Then pull it out of the oven very carefully (Mom uses this stuff that turns her hands green and hides her fingers) and serve a big piece of it to Dad, a big piece of it to Mom, and let the little piece that's left cool so the dog can steal it later. By now Dad is probably in the kitchen hoping dinner will be soon, so yell at the dog to get out of the kitchen. Then yell at her to get away from the table. Dogs, ignore all this yelling. It's somehow connected to the sauces and has nothing to do with you personally.

After we requested permission, "Oh, Tesla is sooooo flattered. She gets way too little attention now that she has an adopted baby brother whom she really doesn't like. Faraday, of course, has his own favorite recipes, but as he is substantially smaller and much bouncier, his commentary will be quite different. Right now, it's along the lines of 'Mommy sez I gots ta eat yucky kibble now. I duzint like dat kibble. I likes peepul food an I iz gonna steel sum frum my unkil Billy rite now!'"

Meet Tesla, http://www.angelfire.com/co2/Tesla, http://www.angelfire.com/co2/Tesla/teslapaper.jpg and learn about the Tibetan Terrier Intelligence Agency, http://www.ajints.org. You may have to click off "welcome to page" when you get to Tesla's links, or try again - Angelfire is a pain.

Gourmess Vegetable Salad (for man and beast) and Kong Stuffer
It's Doberly delicious!

In large pot bring an inch of water to boil (about 2 cups), add 2 lbs. frozen mixed vegetables, 2 lbs. of green beans and 1 clove garlic (optional). Let boil, high heat, about 10 minutes, until just cooked. don't let this stuff boil dry! Remove from heat and let cool. Give 1 cup to dog with breakfast, refrigerate the rest.

When cold, begin salad. To vegetables add some cold chopped chicken, chopped hard boiled eggs, a couple of spoonfuls of cottage cheese and a glop of yogurt. If you don't have any chicken, no meat is okay, just use more cottage cheese. Throw in a few small cubes of cheese.

Take out 1 cup or whatever for Kong portion,(s) retain the remainder for humans. Add chopped onion and a glop of mayo to taste. Serve on lettuce or salad greens.

Mix Kong portion with 1 jar of meat or vegetables baby food, stuff Kong(s) then insert baby carrot into center.

Fun and food for the whole family! Bone Happytreat, Auntie Dobe R. Mann

Courtesy of Michigan Doberman Rescue and Referral from "Tattle Tails" newsletter. "Chef Dober" and his "Doberly delicious recipes" went on from the newsletter to become the trademark for the Good Dog! Bakeshop. His Chefness graces business cards, flyers, and a sign. The shop, owned by Diane Adams, is found in the Farmer's Market in Flint, Michigan, and features fantastic treats for dogs to go nuts for. All kinds of flavors, with no preservatives, chemicals, salt, sugar or enhancers. All baked by Adams and taste tested by her two Dobies and kids, and made with human grade food fresh from the supermarket. Her customers truly, "will work for treats." Follow Chef Dober's adventures with the rest of the gang at Dober'Toons.

For the Birds

"She was not quite what you would call refined. She was not quite what you would call unrefined. She was the kind of person that keeps a parrot," Mark Twain

Vona's Veggie Mash

Vona freezes it for her fids. Grind and mix carrots, broccoli, parsley, red sweet peppers, hot pepper flakes, rolled oats, unsweetened shredded coconut, nutritional yeast, sometimes a banana or apple (no skin or seeds), sweet potato (raw or cooked - cooked tends to spoil the mix faster) plus any other veggie they like. Freeze in ice cubes and take out what you'll use up in about three days and keep it in the fridge. Then mix with a little seed (they eat it while digging for seeds). It is something you can change or add to as it suits you and your fids. Sometimes they get fresh frozen peas warmed and thawed by running hot water over them. They love peas and peel them like any seed!

Nutriberries
Improves diet in 7 days, from Alicia McWalters, nutritionist
http://www.parrothouse.com/7daydiet.html

1 cup dried fruit
2 Tbls. coconut
1/2 cup uncooked oatmeal
1/2 cup raisins
1/4 cup seeds and/or crushed nuts
2 Tbls. peanut butter
1 Tbls. honey or molasses

Blend all the dry ingredients in a food processor until chopped finely. Place mixture into a bowl , add peanut butter and honey or molasses. Mix very well (it's sticky). Roll mixture into small 1/2 ball and place on a cookie sheet. Bake at 325° for about 20 minutes. Cool and serve.

Thanks to Rose, http://parrot8.tripod.com/fids.htm, Rose's Digital Images for sharing the bird contributions.

Rose likes to play with graphics :) Recognize Lib?

More great recipes

http://www.divorcekit.com/petfood.htm
Bird, cat and dog recipes (have no idea why on the divorce part of URL title)

http://www.fuzzyfaces.com/lrecipe2.html

http://www.emerge.net.au/~hollow/dreasy.htm
I don't go along with using bacon though, or any pork for that matter. Almost lost my Yorkie after Grandpa "treated" him to a ribs feast. Very scary, he was at the vet for four days.

http://www.sugarbear.net/CookieJar.htm
Sugar Bear, Twinkie, and Huny B Bear's Cookie Jar (recent winners of the coveted Libby Award for Paws on the Keyboard and Buster's da Dude Award)

Ooh, ooh, lookee here, even gooder than an award ... I didn't send a book either :) I am not above that sort of bribery though - all ya gotta do is ask.

If you have just stepped on something and danced around in pain until you slipped on a magazine, it might be time to pick up again. Hold on, before taking any rash measures, familarize yourself with the following tips and important information.

Vacuuming too often weakens carpet fibers.

Dust bunnies are unable to evolve into full potential if disturbed. Rename the area under the couch "The Galapagos Islands" and claim an ecological exemption.

Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 5 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs artfully draped over lampshades reduce glare, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If your husband points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look affronted and exclaim, "What? And spoil the mood?"

In a pinch, you can always claim that the haphazard tower of unread magazines and newspapers next to your chair provides the valuable Feng Shui aspect of a tiger, thereby reducing your vulnerability.

Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand sewn play animals for underprivileged children.

Scribble lightly over a dirty wall with an assortment of crayons, and try to muster a glint of tears as you say, "Junior did this the week before that unspeakable accident, I haven't had the heart to clean it."

Mix 1/4 cup pine scented cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Throw yourself onto the couch, and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

"The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner." - Roseanne

Chocolate is a Vegetable

How's that? Chocolate is derived from cocoa beans. Bean = vegetable; sugar is derived from either sugar cane or sugar beets. Both are plants; plants = vegetable. Thus, chocolate is a vegetable. To go one step further, chocolate candy bars also contain milk, which is dairy, qualifying candy bars are health food. Pertinent reminder: chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit - eat as many as you want. Side note: "Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two but can't remember what they are." Attributed to Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show.

Equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate= balanced diet.

In cases of the above type newsflashes, I do feel compelled to send special alerts. Rewards make these little extra efforts worthwhile, "Oh thank God!," "Works for me," "My sentiments exactly," "Wonderful news, made my day after eating a homemade chocolate sundae with brownie for dinner and feeling a little guilty thinking it isn't good for me. Now I feel so much better, I may just go eat another one."

In all respects,

my dear friends ;)

No-cal sweetie to send

Special thanks to AllyKhatt@aol.com for the wreath - one of the prettiest graphics I've ever seen. It was intended to be personalized with a name but I'm always bugging her with other requests and she doesn't seem to mind. Never fails to come up with some of the best and a little bit of this, that and the other to enjoy in Ally's Alley e-zine, including links like: http://www.dianaskitchen.com/page/skillet.htm - quick skillet recipes for main and side dishes and desserts (perfect for keeping the heat down during the summer). From the same issue, excellent advice and a very generous offer, "Hoaxes are making the rounds again. Any e-mail that encourages you to 'send this to all your friends' is a red flag that screams verify its authenticity before you circulate it. If you are unsure, send it to me and I will check it out and get back to you, or here are a couple links for your personal use."
Stiller Research Virus Hoax News - http://www.stiller.com/hoaxes.htm
McAfee.com - Virus Information Library - Virus Hoaxes - http://vil.mcafee.com/hoax.asp 

The perfect shade of devilment - wish I could take the credit :)

Preapproved letters in your snail mail for everything from credit cards to second mortgages usually include postage paid return envelopes. Have a little fun, redistribute junk in those envelopes. Send the  local chimney cleaner ad, coupla pizza coupons - whatever - to a national bank or insurance company. If nothing else, return a blank application. It won't do any good of course, but you get a teeny bit of satisfaction knowing the pesty sender had to pay twice.

Hard to predict what the effect on mail service may be, rates'll be going up anyway. Breaks my heart thinking of all that suffering over losses to e-trash. This doesn't do any good either, but again, forwarding to service provider does feel like doing something. I can't ever remember if it's TOS Spam or TOS Email1 (depending on origin) for aol - put both in a group folder in address book.

Of course I delete obvious junk - hard to tell sometimes though. An unknown address or odd subject line might be a reader question or tip which means I need to open almost everything. Thanks to a virus a few months ago, I do know to be careful (more like paranoid). Amazing that aol can't at least catch the ones using aol in the return address. Seems like I get a new "Please click here for information regarding your AOL account" or "Below is the result of your feedback form" every day.

Ode to a Bathrobe

It's old - I should throw it away.
It's frayed at the edges - I should throw it away.
It's raggedy - I should throw it away.
It's torn - I should throw it away.
It's faded - I should throw it away.
It has holes - I should throw it away.
Why don't you throw it away?
I'm wearing it.

Not sure how long it'll be before I'll have a new page up - syndication biz is taking a lot of time. Keep sending in your goodies, they'll keep. TheRealMartha@Mindspring.com and/or AltMartha@aol.com

Mouse by Ally

Future Bright Spots will be incorporated into my new project: Opinions and ideas, mine and from others, that everyone can use to get involved, make a difference and lighten the load; includes links, household tips, easy recipes and a little humor along the way. Animal issues also addressed - they know something isn't right, try to be tuned in and extra attentive to their feelings. The WA effort is intended to help us all cope. As we get back to "normal," so will our best friends.

The*Whispering*Activist

That's whispering as in no need for screaming, offering suggestions everyone can use to get involved and make a difference. Whiners, agitators and crybabies accomplish exactly nothing worthwhile.

http://www.therealmartha.com/WAwelcomeintro/index.htm
Whispering Activist intro
http://www.therealmartha.com/flagmore/index.htm
THE Flag
http://www.therealmartha.com/WhisperActive/index.htm
The Whispering Activist 9/15 (copy of original mailer)

Main WAR (Whispering Activist Record) Index
http://www.therealmartha.com/WAR/index.htm

Back to: More Brights and Goodies

Want to be notified when new pages are added? SendNewPage@aol.com (include which pages or subject - general, critters, recipes - in subject line).

Watch out below - semi-naughties or at the very least something to offend everyone.

Survivor III

On a group of beautiful deserted islands in the middle of the South Pacific, the following people are stranded, one group to each island:

* two Italian men and one Italian woman
* two French men and one French woman
* two German men and one German woman
* two Greek men and one Greek woman
* two English men and one English woman
* two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
* two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
* two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
* two American men and one American woman
* two Irish men and one Irish woman

One month later on these idyllic islands, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man in a fight for the Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a menage-a-trois.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.

The two Bulgarian men took one long look at the endless ocean and another long look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming.

The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.

The two Chinese men have set up a pharmacy/liquor store/restaurant/laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.

The two American men are contemplating how long it would take them to die if they tried to swim hundreds of miles to civilization, because the American woman keeps on talking about the true nature of feminism, the necessity of the equal division of household chores, how sand gets in her crotch on the beach, how palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how her relationship with her mother is improving.

The two Irish men divided the island into North and South and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets sort of foggy after the first few liters of coconut whiskey. But they're satisfied because at least the English aren't having any fun.

http://www.therealmartha.com/stress/index.htm ~ lots more funnies and a few legit exercises for stress relief

There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.